The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 27
This week I am going deep and writing about something I have not really talked about in my blog. You see, in July 2010 I had two traumatic events happen that forever altered my life. One was my accident and loss of vision, which has somewhat been the focus of my writing. The other was that three weeks before my accident I broke up with the person that I loved deeply. You would think that the loss of my vision would be the more traumatic of the two and you would be wrong. It was the loss of my love that has been the hardest from which to recover. And in this blog I will try to explain why.
I was with my boyfriend for 23 months. On the day we decided to split he told me he was half in and half out of the relationship and that he did not think he could ever love me. I told him that was not good enough for me and left. In those 23 months we actually had a great relationship and I, for the first time in my life, decided to go all in and fully love someone. When I decided to do that, a few months into our relationship I had no clue that I had chosen to love a man who would never commit to me or love me back. There was no way I could have known that. So you could say that when we broke up I finally saw the truth about the fact we had no future. I woke up and saw the light, and three weeks later I was, ironically, blinded.
I decided to write about this after I ran into him this past weekend. Even though we live about 10 blocks from each other, I had managed to not run into him for exactly 7 months. But at the park, at this Easter egg hunt, with our children there, I could not avoid him, and really did not want to. So, I approached him and we talked. What I immediately knew was that my feelings had not changed. When we talked it was as if nothing else was going on, like I was in a bubble. Every neuron was firing and I could even sense when he was near me when we were separated–chemistry, electricity, energy, whatever it is, it is powerful. To me the nervousness I felt in the pit of my stomach and the feeling all my hairs were standing up is a testament to how much I love him-a fact that will not change. It is what it is, even though I may love another or several others in the future. But our story is over. I saw him at a park and I may or may never see him again. Nothing has changed, because we do not want the same things. He does not love me or have room for me in his life and I am looking for something better than that. And we cannot be friends, because too much has happened between us and we cannot hold tight enough boundaries to not have a physical relationship.
All those feelings of love are tied into feelings of loss now and are impossible to separate. They are a mass of powerful emotions. In the grieving of the loss of him I have shed lots of tears. After seeing him I went home and cried. Many have asked the question –is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? My answer is yes. To truly and fully love takes a huge amount of risk because you never know the outcome. But to say that you have felt and can feel that kind of love is worth all the risk. Especially when you manage to love and not lose yourself in the process. In that love I had many moments of bliss, unadulterated joy and unforgettable memories and I would not trade those for anything. And time is healing my wounds. I knew that the other day when I was able to be around him and carry on a normal conversation and not have a breakdown (the I need to get in the bed kind) afterward.
The loss of that relationship- of the person I loved has been harder than the loss of my vision because it is a situation I cannot control. I have the capability and capacity to take the actions I need to adapt to my visual impairment and I do that on my own terms. I am somewhat in control of the outcome. In the relationship I was not in control of how he felt about me and cannot change him or the fact he cannot love me. And that is what makes it hard-the great romantic tragedy. That two people with tons of chemistry, things in common and caring who really saw and knew each other and who had a wonderful time together will never be together.
What I have worked on and realized is that, even though I got burned, I am still open to love and want that as part of my life. I, unlike him, am not willing to live out my days alone without a partner. This does not mean I am desperate and need someone. I am in a place of choice where I am choosing to be open to finding a loving partner and companion. And I will not settle. But to find that is not easy and I find myself being more cautious and less excited about new people. I am interested more in finding a person to relax and have a good time with, than looking for a person with which to share a lifetime. So, almost 10 months later maybe I am not ready for big love or a serious commitment, but I hold on to hope that life is still full of surprises and maybe someone will surprise me.
I am one of the many who have suffered through a breakup. Who hasn’t? The key to moving on is to let go of the anger or resentment, take the time to grieve the loss, and leave the baggage of the old relationship behind. And in meeting new people keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your head clear. And remember that the other person is lucky to be with you and you deserve to be loved.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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