December 14, 2011-Volume 53: Can You Really Go Home?

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 53: Can You Really Go Home?

The week after Christmas I will be travelling to Tampa for the first time in over 4 years. During the past years my family has been coming to Columbia to visit and then the accident happened and travelling became harder, so I just never made it home.  I have mixed feelings about going home because this is the first time I will see my high school friends since the accident, and the first time I will see my grandmother in a nursing home.  That leaves me both excited and scared and that is the focus of the blog.  But first…………

My WTF of the week is the amount of time it is taking for my daughter to paint her ceramic gifts.  We have been to the pottery painting place three times and she is still not finished.  When did she get so meticulous? Last year we knocked out the painting in one trip.  This time she is taking 45 minutes per item and we had 10 items to paint.  She also refuses to let me help her in any way, so my job is to sit with her and help her keep on task.   She carefully makes color decisions and changes brushes often. She also insists on painting the entire item, even the bottom that will not show.  We are off to the pottery place one last time to finish the items. I am kind of sick of going there and to top it off last month we decided to have her birthday party there, so we will be back in three weeks for more ceramic painting. Whoopee!

This week I can’t get enough of once again trying new things.  I found someone who will give me individual lessons in jazz and will start that after the holidays.  Love jazz hands and would like to learn a number from one of my favorite movies “All That Jazz”.  And I am also getting hair extensions in January.  Not the clip in kind I have now, but the individual strands that last 4 to 6 months. I am really excited about having long hair although I am not used to it and may not be saying that very long.  Knowing me, most days I will find ways to put it up in a ponytail or some other twist thing. But there will be those times when I will make the effort to style it.  I am a huge fan of hot curlers and will be trying those out. It is so 1970’s, but who doesn’t love hot steamy curlers that sometimes burn your head. Lastly I will start my training to do a sprint triathlon which means getting back in the pool once or twice a week.  I have been talking about it all year and will finally take the plunge after the holidays.

This Christmas will be different for me.  It is the first time in 43 years I will not have Christmas Eve dinner with my family, and the first time I will not have my daughter with me.  Christmas Eve is bigger than Christmas day for our family so it will feel strange fir it to be just my boyfriend and me together that night. We have not decided what we will do or how to create something different. I am trying to view it as an opportunity to try something new, but at the same time I would like to eat the traditional Christmas Eve meal. Just need to muster up the energy to cook it.

On the flip side I will be going to Tampa the day after Christmas, the first time I have been in Tampa during the Holidays since 2004.  The trip will be filled with events and firsts. It will be the first time I have seen my grandmother in a nursing home. Because I have been at a distance it has been easier for me to deal with this because it is somewhat peripheral. But when I see her there I am not sure how I will react, how sad I will be, or how much I wish things would not have turned out that way.  And I know I have guilt for not trying to get home sooner.  But I know if my life was different and if I could have driven, I would have gotten there. But that is not my life so it is what it is. It will also be the first time my father, family members and friends will meet my boyfriend. I have given him the skinny on my family and will be doing more prep before the trip.  But how much can you really prepare people to meet your family. And of course your perceptions are tainted with memories of past visits home and are not really objective.

There will be celebrations too.  My niece, who eloped in Vegas last year, is having a vow ceremony. My dad is also coming down for the event, which is a rare time that my parents and extended family are all in one place. I think the last time that happened was after my accident and I have written about how swimmingly that all went. My high school friends are having a party while I am home and I will get to see them for the first time in four years.  They have been my friends for 30 years and I am thrilled to see them and their families. At the same time they are seeing the visually impaired Beth for the first time.  I am afraid of both my reaction and their reactions. Will there be awkwardness, will there be tears or will we just all be happy and gossiping as usual.  I really have no idea how I will feel until I walk through the door of the party and then I will deal with my emotions in that moment and with theirs as they come.  My hope is that they see that I am the same person, just differently abled and somewhat stronger.

Going home, when you have not been there in a while feels challenging and exciting at the same time. Coming home as a visually impaired person who will be seeing familiar places and people, but with new eyes is scary, but interesting at the same time. It is the mix of the emotions and the unpredictability of how I and others will react that has me on somewhat shaky ground.  But it is good to be on that type of ground so that you learn how to react in the moment to stabilize yourself. And that is what I will do.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock