The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 69: What Else Should I Be, All Apologies
Recently I decided that I may have acted badly during the months of January through April. Lots of stressful stuff was happening and I was, at times, not handling things well. So the universe gave me some signs and one night, rather late, I started writing apology e-mails. What got me there and what I learned is the focus of this blog. But first………….
My WTF of the week is the commercials that are really porn-oriented. And by this I mean they are filled with overt sexual overtones. The KY ads are just plain stupid and it worries me that the implication is that couples need all these aids to make time for sex. There is a thing called skill. My guess is that men who are not getting much come up with these gems. Then there are the commercials that are filled with sexual innuendo. My favorite of the moment is the Liquid Plummer Double Penetration commercial. Please tell me you have seen this one where the two buff men pose on either side of a woman and there is a line that says something about a long snake penetrating deeply. The narrator has a deep Barry White voice and there is some sexy music (the type you may put on for an evening of fun at home) in the background. OMG these ad men are watching too much adult programming. Or maybe I am wrong and women are coming up with these commercials (doubtful).
This week I can’t get enough of memory foam mattresses. While shopping for a mattress for my daughter, I was tempted to try out the memory foam mattresses. Soon I was lying on every memory foam mattress there was. Like Goldilocks I had to try them all and decide if it was too soft or too hard or just right. I decided the firm Temperpedic memory foam is the best mattress ever. When I tried it out it automatically conformed to my body. I did not want to get up, ever and I thought how do people get out of bed every day if this is the bed on which they are sleeping. I would be in the bed floating on a foamy cushion of total comfort as much as possible. It reminded me how inferior my current mattress is and how could I have wasted so much of my life sleeping on a bed without this memory foam. I was blown away by the cost, however which quickly ended my hopes and dreams for being able to sleep on the memory foam mattress. Basically, they are the price of a used car or a really nice vacation. So I developed a theory of why people with money are successful and can be even more successful, it is because they can afford a memory foam mattress and are getting the benefits of much better sleep. With quality sleep, they are more energetic and their minds are sharper and process things more efficiently and they are generally in a better mood. The rest of us mere mortals don’t stand a chance, unless we can finance one of these mattresses and pay on it for years to ensure a quality sleep experience. One day, one day, it will be mine.
So the universe recently gave me a few signs that maybe I was not being my best self the first quarter of the year. I had a string of events pile up that were out of my control and as a result was under a great deal of stress. Sometimes, I do well under stress and sometimes I hit the wall. At some point I must have hit the wall because I noticed I was holding onto a lot of anger and negative energy. I have done the work to get that all cleared out and am in a better place. But in looking back, which I admit to not doing so much, I realized I may have been a difficult person with which to engage. Let’s just say I was being a little bitchy at times. So, one night it came upon me that there were a handful of people that had disappeared from my life and I decided the bitchy thing may have been the reason why. I felt a need to apologize so I began writing apology e-mails. I felt lighter and better when I did this and I hoped I had mended some bridges.
Interestingly enough, only one of the people to whom I apologized actually had a problem with something I did. The rest were surprised that I felt the need to apologize and said I had done nothing to hurt or offend them and did not need to apologize. This was news to me. Maybe I can hold things back and fake it better than I thought; maybe I am not so bitchy after all. The act of sending the apologies, whether they needed to be said or not, was the important thing to me. What I realized is that I really do not want to do anything to offend or hurt people in any way. And I strive to be a good person. I work on forgiveness all the time and I think I hope that others can forgive me and also be honest enough to tell me when I have done something to upset them. This open communication is important and I don’t think you can have authentic relationships without it.
So, in the final analysis I come back to my desire to live authentically and to have authentic relationships with people who also live authentically. It is a theme that keeps repeating and getting more important as I get older. I am learning I have little tolerance for BS or drama, even though it sometimes lands in my lap. I have learned to try and self-monitor, admit when I am angry or sad or resentful and own those feelings and most importantly, have enough respect for people and friendships so as to not damage them by my behavior. And if I can do that, and apologize when I need or (or even when I don’t) I am doing right by myself.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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