The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 72: Kicking Fear in the Ass
As I thought about ending the blog and what I would write in these last 4 entries, I began to reflect on how I had changed in the two years since my accident and the key things on which I am working to live a fuller life. I came up with four key themes and each blog will address one of those and how I have changed. The four things on which I have progressed, and on which I continue to work are getting rid of fear, letting go and not worrying about the outcomes, trusting in God and the Universe and living my unlived life by letting my inner voice guide me. In this blog I talk about how my ways of facing my fears has evolved and how the fears have abated. But first……………
My WTF of the week is the attire that is now worn when going out on the town, to places like bars and clubs. I am talking specifically about what women are wearing, are actually, not wearing. When I was out this weekend I realized I did not get the memo about barely covering your butt and boobs and wearing super high heels. Basically, what I call streetwalker wear, which I guess is the new chic. I saw so many short skirts and dresses and kept wondering how they even slightly bend over without showing the goods. I mean, what happens if you drop something. Actually everything is so tight they really can’t bend over anyway (well not until way later in the evening). There were also many low, barely there tops. I thought why go through the trouble, just get some of those round Band-Aids and you are good to go. Women of all shapes and sizes (and ages) were stuffed and I do mean stuffed into these unattractive outfits. These are the moments in life when I am glad to be visually impaired. I have figured out why I do not get approached when I go out-I am wearing too much clothing (damn my self-respect). So I thought, I could have just put on a little bandeau top and also put one around the bottom to cover the privates (barely). A Bandeau is basically a tube top gathered in the middle. I came up with a saying “Bandeau, Bandeau, and I’m ready to go”. Which then brings me to…..
This week I can’t get enough of the fact that much too early in the morning (let’s just say about 2:30 am) I wrote a song that went with the above saying. I would normally not suggest songwriting at this time of night because the lyrics were a little crazy and really explicit (as they should be). Of course it is a rap song and it is not done yet. I envision it in the satire of the Andy Samberg songs on SNL, although nothing can ever, ever touch D**k in a Box. But in a way it could also become a huge hit (not). Disclaimer: if you are easily offended, skip to the more mature sections of the blog. Also note there are even more explicit lyrics that I am not including here. All opinions expressed are solely that of the author. This song is in no way indicative of the other songs I have written, really and truly.
With my side boob rocking and my booty hanging low
Bandeau, Bandeau and I'm ready to go
With my high heels clicking like a streetwalkin' ho
Bandeau, Bandeau and I'm ready to go
Push it up, pull it in, I don't need to hit the gym
Bandeau, bandeau and I'm ready to go
You can grope me, grind me, get on up behind me
No please, I'm a tease; I don’t get down on my knees
No card, no cash, drinking all night for free
Bandeau, Bandeau and I’m ready to go
So the fact that I put my rap in this blog demonstrates that I have worked very hard these past two years to overcome fear. I had fears of failure, fears about how I was perceived and especially, fears about abandonment. I felt a need to be in control and when I felt out of control my fears made me physically ill. I had begun facing my fears before the accident, after failed relationships and the birth of my child. I think in some ways having a child can make you really scared, but also causes you to try and get a hold of those feelings. Then the accident happened; an event so random and so out of my control. Then the financial burden and custody battle that happened immediately after, coupled with not knowing how much sight I would have, converged into a list of unbelievable unknowns and uncertainties. These took me to a place, really a decision point, where I could give up, lie down and end it all, or I could let go and realize that nothing was in my control and I had everything to lose, but nothing to fear. I did the latter.
The core of my fears stemmed from something with which we all struggle-the feeling we may be unlovable and if people really knew us and really saw us they would not like us and would leave. I had that fear, in spades. It caused me to feel insecure in relationships and lonely and scared when not in relationships. I can say that almost all of that is gone. To choose to live in a new way and figure out how to accept my disabled self, I had to really love myself. And in doing that and realizing that I was a loveable person who deserved to have a loving partner, I felt good in the spaces, the long spaces now, where I am alone. And being alone is now confortable because I always have me and always have my connection to God. In truth I can never be abandoned.
I also felt a fear of failure and somewhat of disappointing others and lived my life as sort of a perfectionist. The need for control stemmed from a need not to fail and to do the best. That is also mostly, if not all, gone. The accident got rid if much of that. In that second where my life changed, I realized there is nothing in life in your control and you NEVER know what will happen next. And in my lack of ability or in my different ability there was absolutely no way to be perfect, so I gave up trying to be. There was and only has been a way to figure out how to do things the only way I can, and sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed, but I always try and my attempts are creative at their best and pathetic at their worst. It is in the trying that I find joy and a sense of accomplishment.
Am I fearless now---no, and I never will be, but I do not face the overwhelming fear that blocked me from living my life in the ways I wanted. I think about, but do not fear, not being able to find a stable loving partner, given my life. I have the natural fears and worries that go along with being a parent. I think about finances and how I will make it. But I know that I have everything I need, all the tools, all the gifts, to be able to be successful and the power to look for the clues that lead me to define what success means to me. Because of the accident and the resulting physical state of blindness, I have more sight and vision about the way the world works through the realization that nothing is in my control, I have strength and power, I am loveable and deserving of love, and I have what I need to succeed. Those are things I did not see before I became visually impaired. Most importantly I have learned that the statement “there is nothing to fear but fear itself” is one of the truest things I know.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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