The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 74: Are You There God, It’s Me, Beth
My last four blogs are focused on how I have changed in the two years since my accident and the key things on which I am working to live a fuller life. In the past two weeks I have talked about getting rid of fear, and letting go and not worrying about the outcomes. In this, my second to last blog, I am going to focus on my process of learning to trust in God and the Universe. This has not been an easy task, because the Universe keeps kicking my butt. But I have learned to look beyond that to what is ultimately important. But first…………………..
My WTF of the week is SC Governor Haley’s vetoes of critical programs and services. Once again, I am embarrassed to say I live in this state and appalled at its politics. Here are some of the (I believe it was 81 items) she vetoed. What this says to me is that we do not care about educating our children, protecting our vulnerable populations or our environment, or moving into the 21st century. Now it is time for our legislators to override these vetoes. And I know this sounds passé, but this is neither a Republican issue nor a Democrat issue, they are human issues.
$10.1 million to support teacher pay raises
$1.9 million for the Arts Commission
$500,000 in Arts Commission grants
$1.5 million for technology for the Judicial Department
$1.2 million toward boosting enrollment at the Governor's School of Science & Math
$454,000 for SC Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
$428,000 for Sea Grant Consortium
$250,000 for Charles Lea Center for the disabled
This week I can’t get enough of rediscovering things you have not watched in years. After a night of singing Nirvana songs (as you know I have a PA system and wireless mike, so there are many home Karaoke nights) I decided to go on YouTube and watch the 1993 Nirvana Unplugged and then watched some interviews with Kurt and the whole band. I had not watched that Unplugged in over 10 years and I was again completely mesmerized by the brilliance, beauty and pain of it. And the last interviews with Kurt are hard to watch. He looks lost to the world-a 27 year old that is completely spent. But, there is something to learn in it and something to marvel in at the same time. Then I watched the Shirley Temple movie “Heidi”. Everyone in my generation has seen Heidi multiple times because it used to come on after the Super Bowl every year. But I had not watched it since childhood, and I saw it in a whole new way. Heidi is totally philosophical and has better life lessons than most self-help books. It deals with fear, loss, change, the need for a place to be safe, spirituality, etc. And I still could not get through it without crying. I advise you to watch Heidi as an adult. There are tons of great take aways.
One of the hardest things I have been working on is in trusting in the Universe and God. This means so many things. It means I believe that God has a plan for me; it means that everything is going to work out according to this plan; it means there is something to learn in everything that happens and that everything happens for a reason. These words are easy to say, but much harder to believe in and live by. Mostly, because I am not sure what God’s plan for me is and most of the time I think the Universe is just trying to see how much I can take.
I can honestly say God and I were not on the best terms after the accident. I was not sure why I was handed this fate or dealt with a series of truly life changing, heartbreaking events. But then I started asking the question I continue to ask today, “In my blindness, what am I supposed to see?” And it was the asking of that question that caused me to begin to pay attention to the Universe and not try to control it. Like an investigative reporter, I began questioning, why, how and what. Sometimes you get answers, sometimes you don’t. But the important thing is to ask them and to be present enough to look for the answers. So how does this paying attention translate into what I do and how I live every day. What it means is that I am more tuned into my inner voice, more present in the moment, more aware about what is going on around me, more interested in reality and not illusions, and more concerned with authenticity and deep conversations. I am also more open to learning and exploring outside of my comfort zone (which is now a huge zone).
The second step in my journey was learning to trust in God and the universe. I truly believe and always have, that I am here for a reason and that I can and have impacted the world. But I also used to believe in two things which I now believe are ridiculous, bad luck and deserving something. Being raised Latin means you hear a lot about bad luck and evil spirits (and the need for all sorts of things to ward them off). I used to think I had a ton of bad luck because crazy, bad things were always happening to me. And I used to believe that God was playing a huge joke on me and that the goal was to pull the rug out from under me whenever I felt stable. Now I think this is all untrue. What has happened to me, all the lows and highs, are part of the plan for me and in those times I was supposed to be learning and growing; gaming strength, insight and a little bit of wisdom. Mostly so I could handle the next thing that came along. And that is why I could handle the change in my vision and could move forward so quickly; my life had prepared me to do this. And I did not deserve what happened to me and no longer think people deserve what they get or “what goes around comes around”. What I know is that bad things happen to good people and what it boils down to is not putting negative energy out into the Universe.
My life continues to prepare me for whatever is next. Sometimes I get annoyed at God because I have no partner, or because my business is not doing well (like everyone else’s) or because I just can’t seem to catch a break. But in the end I know that this is all happening for a reason and as part of God's plan. So instead of being mad all the time or feeling I deserve something more or comparing my life to other’s (always a bad idea), I have decided to trust that she/he and not I know what’s up. Every day I repeat the affirmations “I trust in God”, “God has given me everything I need” and I ask for the vision and strength to carry out God’s plan for me. It and I am still a work in progress, but the change has been powerful and positive.
Next week, in my final blog, I talk about how I am finally living my “unlived” life and my hopes for the future.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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