The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl: Volume 87: About the Dying and the Loving
In this last month I have experienced the processes of dying and of loving. What I have found is that the work of both is the same. That work is the letting go of fear, the forgiving and the moving forward. In the process of my grandmother’s death I played the role of family member, of observer, of external, a supporter in the process of dying. In the role of loving I am the participant, figuring out how to be in relationship with another. What I have learned about loving and leaving and how I plan on growing as a result of both is the focus of this blog.
My grandmother died about a month ago and she fought death in the end. Fought like an 80-pound pugilist with the tenacity of her immigrant ancestry. She fought when she needed to give in, while her limbs turned blue, her lungs filled with fluid and her heart beat slower and slower. She knew she was dying and she was afraid. She called out to her husband and her parents to help her as she floated in that world between life and death. The hospice workers told us, the family, to start telling her it was OK to die and that all was forgiven and everything was alright. I worked with my Reiki master to help me find the words my grandmother needed to hear to be released. I could do that one thing. I could speak those words.
She would not let go, not move forward. And in the end as her body shut down and the pain and suffocating started, it was imperative that her soul leave its physical form. A form now failing, a painful trap, an unwilling life partner. So every day, a few times a day, I began to say the words. I said words of forgiveness, of letting go of fear and of moving on. I gave her permission to leave, said it was time for her to go to God and be with her loved ones and they were waiting for her. I said that all was forgiven ad there was no pain. I said that she was loved and that we would be OK. I said where she was going would be peaceful and beautiful. I made it a promised land so she would cross into it. I said there is nothing to fear, all is well and all is forgiven over and over again. I said the words love and let go over and over again. The first time I said them I curled up in a ball and did the ugly cry. The second time I cried silently while I said the words. And by the third time I was powerful in the message. Because I was letting go of my fear, embracing my grief and moving forward with my letting go of her.
The first time I said the words she responded as best she could and formed the words “I love you.” The second time there was silence, but I knew she was listening. Then the third time and times after there was the shallow rapid breathing that is the body beginning to die. And the last time I spoke the words what I heard was the most horrible sound I have ever heard; the death rattle. That sound. The fluid in the lungs deep guttural mucus filled sound that precedes the dying. A sound that sounds painful but is actually the absence of pain and of consciousness, the last stages before the physical body dies. That sound changes you.
In the dying I learned everyone experiences death differently, everyone reacts differently. And all those reactions are legitimate and OK. My reaction was relief, rejoicing and the realization I do not fear death. I am sound and firm in my belief that we are spiritual beings on a human journey and that the body is our vessel for one part of that journey. The next part is equally and maybe even more wondrous. And to get there, to move to that place, is to be able to let go of fear, to let go of the past, your past self, your shell, and to forgive. It is forgiveness, the forgiving of both others and of who and what we were that really frees us to leave this plane and go on to the next. And what I know, with certainty, is when the time comes for me, I can do that.
In the past month I have also been in a process of loving, of trying to build a relationship. And in that process I am learning that forgiveness, letting go of fear and the ability to step forward are, as with dying, the things that allow you to love. Love is something I have written about quite a bit. In my book I call the chapter on love, “They say that love is blind, but what if you are too?” My track record in relationships is not one to model. Me, in romantic relationships, as a partner, is a work in progress.
The forgiving I have to do is forgiving myself for all the past mistakes I have made, but also for forgetting myself. What this means is that when I am in a romantic relationship I tend to lose a part of my focus, of my energy and sometimes I give up little pieces of me. I forget, sometimes, to ask the question of am I getting what I want and in the end your fulfillment is why you are in relationship. But in my role as giver and healer, I continue the asking of are you Ok in this, or with this or hell, with me. And that, as I have now discovered is because I lead with my masculine energy and I don’t trust my feminine self. And she is who shows up in romantic relationships.
All that has made me successful feels masculine and I look to that energy to compete in the world. I tend to date guys who are in touch with their feminine side. I have dated several guys who turned out to be gay or bisexual or wore makeup of who were just straight up momma’s boys. So, in past relationships I have been the male in some respects. I am cut off from my feminine side when I get into a relationship because I don’t really like or know that side of me. And maybe I see the feminine as weak and vulnerable. And embracing that vulnerability is now part of my work in figuring out how to be my feminine self without being the labels I have put on that side--weak doormat or evil temptress. And I call myself a feminist, shame on me.
I have to forgive my own view of the feminine side of myself and the fact that my female models have not been the best. And I have to learn to be able to step forward by stepping into that role, letting down that wall and being in a place where I can be whole, courageous, and creative and still be in a relationship. Lastly I have to let go of the fear of being hurt. That almost instantaneous protective reaction that stems from childhood pain, from abandonment, and leads to the question of is this all worth it. In the end the growth that can happen, the work and healing that can be done in a relationship is always worth it. And that is what I am embracing, that I will let go of the fear of being hurt in order to try to be open to love. And it feels scary bad at first, but is beginning to feel scary good.
In loving, in living and in dying the lessons to be learned are to let go of fear, to step forward and to forgive. Words so easy to say, so easy to think about, but so hard to do. It is our constant work; my constant work. I think about the years of growing it has taken to just identify the fears, know what I have to forgive and know what and how I put up the barricades that keep me from stepping forward. But I have done that work, that heavy lifting.
So now, in my middle age, in my grown up adult relationship with a really masculine guy, I have another opportunity to heal. I finally have a vision of what it is supposed to look like, the work I am supposed to do, the things I am supposed to learn. Much of that work is in forgiving the parts of me that lead me to give away my power, are afraid of the feminine and feel not good enough. Then these aspects of me can be integrated into my larger Self, the bigger me that is whole, confident, creative and powerful. And I can see it and smell it and taste it. I will learn how to be the best parts of my feminine side and find models of the feminine as powerful. The Magdalene. If I get it right, when I get it right, I will do some healing for myself and even more healing for others. And in the end it will be in my last relationship, the one that lasts. Until the time when the process of dying brings everything full circle. In the leaving and the parting the circle of forgiving and letting go of fear and being able to move forward and into the beyond starts all over again.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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