June 29, 2011-Volume 34: The Euthanasia Blog

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 34: The Euthanasia Blog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=uAn5-GIv1zQ

During my recent vacation I met my boyfriend’s mother, who ended up in the hospital the week we were there.  She is suffering from advanced dementia.  My grandmother is also struggling with dementia and I know so many people who have family members with Alzheimer’s or dementia.  As we live longer it is inevitable that our brains will stop functioning before our bodies.  To me this is a tragedy and it makes me think about quality of life in the long term.  Is it not quantity but quality that we want and when the quality goes, isn’t it time for us to go.  That is the focus of the blog.  But first…………….

My WTF of the week is our condo at the beach last week.  It was as narrow as a single wide and the kitchen was actually in what appeared to be the hallway.  The living/dining room was tiny and for some reason they had portioned off a part of the space to squeeze in another single bed and dresser.  You could barely move around in one of the bathrooms and the balcony was so small that it only fit two small chairs and a tiny table.  When two thin people are struggling to both sit on the balcony there is a problem. The only saving grace was that the bedroom was a decent size and I retreated to it often to escape the feeling of claustrophobia. And it is not like we did not look up reviews and pictures of the resort beforehand- we did.  I am guessing the pictures online were of other units or maybe another resort. The other funny thing is because all the buildings were facing sideways and there were numerous ones, we kept getting lost.  The first day two smart people could not figure out how to get to the beach and the second day we actually took the boardwalk to the wrong hotel.  I am sure if my vision was normal I could have figured it out.  What I have learned is that a visually impaired person paired with a person with no sense of direction equals getting lost a lot.   

This week I can’t get enough of my new sunglasses.  For a person who has retinal damage and a blown pupil the proper sunglasses are really important.  I learned this the hard way.  After my cheap self lost my first $50 pair of polarized shatterproof glasses (of course shatterproof is a must for a person with my luck) I decided to buy a cheaper pair at the Walgreens. The problem was they did not keep out the side rays and were already scratching.  The first day on the beach we took a long walk and sat around a little and I got a massive headache. I thought it was from hunger or not enough fluid, but eating and drinking did not help.  That is when I realized that it was from light.  You would think by now I would realize that having a blown pupil is an issue when in intense sun and glare.  It is like having your eyes dilated all the time.  So, off we went to a surf shop where my not so cheap boyfriend wanted me to try on good glasses and refused to tell me the price (because he paid for them).  I ended up with a nice pair and they make a ton of difference- no more headaches.  This is a good thing for me and for him too.

As I interact with people suffering from dementia and witness the loss of both long and short term memory and the suffering of the people who love them, I think about the fact that losing my ability to think and my memories scares me more than anything else. It is like the people are gone, but still here.  So there is sadness, but you cannot grieve.  Instead you look for glimmers and glimpses of the person you loved, moments where they show their personality. And you hang on to hope when they remember something, anything and fear for the day when they no longer remember you.  And there is the guilt that comes from hoping that they won’t linger long in this state because it feels like you wish them dead and that means you are facing the reality they are not coming back.  For me, the hardest thing is the anger, and sadness that comes out in the moments of lucidity. In those moments they ask to die or for you to kill them and they express the misery of knowing that their brain is not working.  After that is the fear when they no longer know where they are, or what day it is or where the rooms in their house are.  The entire familiar becomes unfamiliar and it is the unfamiliar that is scary, so everything is scary.

If and when I get to this point, I no longer want to live.  Not because I am a coward, but because what makes me is gone and I would not want those around me to be in a state of perpetual sadness and delayed grieving.  So, that is why the living will is important. So that you can state that no unnecessary means are used to save you.  As my dad says, just tattoo DNR on my chest.  But I don’t think that is enough.  Why can’t our living wills say that when we lose our minds or most of our functions and have no quality of life we would like to be “made confortable” and by that I mean euthanized.  Why do I have to make a pact with my boyfriend that if we get that way we promise to kill each other and make it look like an accident (preferably pillow suffocation). But why should we have to risk arrest to do something that is humane, legal in other countries and that we do to animals all the time. If I request to die when I am in a certain state, why can’t that request be granted?  This way I am not begging people to kill me when I am lucid, because I know that it can and will happen.  As we live longer and longer we assume our quality of life is also getting better, but I am not so sure. I know that I would rather live less years if in those years I have some degree of health and ability to think and remember my life.  I know that in the cycle of life we start out in diapers eating mushy foods and babbling and maybe we are meant to go out that way.  I say hell no to that- get the pillow. 

And to those who have a loved one who is among the living, but in essence is gone-my thoughts are with you. What you face is almost unbearable. So we all do the best we can.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

June 15, 2011: Volume 33-The L Word

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl–Volume 33: The L-Word

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sg5FgSCDC_8&feature=player_detailpage

This week I am going to talk about how I found love on EHarmony. So yes I do owe them a huge apology. I am excited and somewhat awestruck that I found my life partner at the point when I threw up my hands and gave up.  I have learned much already from the new relationship and that is my focus this week.  But First…………………

My WTF of the week is the pain that I endured while ripping the hairs off my legs with my new epilator.  Not that I was not warned. As you know pain meds and alcohol were suggested, but not used. I even decided, before proceeding, that I would not need the ice pack provided. And I was horribly wrong. The epilator was worse that a bikini wax by far because it never seemed to end. As it ripped out each hair it felt as if I was being stuck by pins, over and over in multiple places. I tried to use deep breathing and all my other natural child birth methods to get through the experience, but I found myself having to take breaks every 10 minutes or so. Plus, because I could not see the hair I was pulling out, I had to go by feel and go over the same area multiple times. By the time I started the second leg I had resorted to the ice pack, but it did not help much. Needless to say my plans for using this on the underarms has been put on permanent hold.  They have a head for sensitive areas and show it being used on the underarms and bikini area in the instruction book, but I really don’t see how anyone could inflict that much pain on themselves. I think it would be wise for our government to use these devices as a mechanism for torture. There is no way any secrets would be kept once you got near a sensitive part with the device, and on a man this means anywhere. When they get a taste of what the epilator can do, they know they won’t stand a chance. But since I am a trooper, I will be using it again because I know the first time is the most painful and I strive to have my leg hair grow in thinner and silkier so that I will only use the torture device every three weeks. Beauty is pain.

This week I can’t get enough of tandem biking.  My new boyfriend was nice enough to track down a super cool racing tandem bike for us to ride.  This works because he supplies the vision and all I have to do is pedal and enjoy the ride. After about an hour of practicing the whole taking off and getting in sync, the next day we decided to take it on the road.  The next thing I knew we were riding 20 miles down country roads and taking some hills at over 20 miles per hour. The tandem bike is slower going uphill, but faster going down. Although I was saddle sore because of the narrow bike seat and a little burned on my back because I failed to use sunscreen, it was all worth the thrill of being on the bike on the road again. I felt pretty close to normal.  Our goal is to get up to an average speed of 20 MPH over 40 miles so we can ride with his bike club.  And at the rate we are going that should only be a month or two away.

So, I must cop to the fact that I met my new boyfriend on EHarmony (formerly known as EHellmony). He was the last guy that I decided to go on a date with before I asked it to send no more matches and cancel my subscription.  I am so glad I went on that date, because I met someone who had everything I was looking for. And I knew it right away.  We talked on the phone 3 times before the date for several hours at a time so by the first date I knew I really liked him. One date and one weekend later I was in a monogamous relationship and happy as a clam.  I think we could be one of those couples on the EHarmony commercial. Go figure.

I wonder why, at that point in which I gave up and decided to stop dating that it was the point in which the person I had been waiting for showed up.  I know I am not the only one that has that story to tell.  What has been interesting is how much I have had to work on being in a relationship where someone wants to take care of me and feels the same way about me as I feel about them. Caring, mutual respect and reciprocity seem like something that should have been in every relationship, but I am not sure it was in any of mine. I was used to being the one taking care of the other person and making the plans, and now I am with someone who is also a caretaker who likes to make the plans.  It is so wonderful and so foreign at the same time, and we are both working on letting ourselves be taken care of.

I was asked how it felt to finally be in a relationship with someone who could be my life partner, a relationship that I deserve. All I could do was cry. Because the answer is a mix of gratitude, wonder and at the same time a fear that you could possibly mess this up.  My boyfriend described it perfectly as seeing an oasis in the desert and, at first, wondering if it is a mirage. Then when you get up close and realize it is the water you have been wanting, you can’t seem to stop drinking it and at the same time you want to make sure that water does not go away so that you are thirsty again. 

In one of my recent blogs I talked about the importance of finding a person to share your life story with and to experience your life. Now that I have that I feel a little less unsure about my future, more calm and steady and more hopeful about what is in store for me and for us. I think I learned that there are people out there for us and that we do not have to settle. Being open to love and willing to date eventually lead to a loving relationship. If it worked for me, then it can work for anyone. So keep your eyes, ears and heart open and trust that you will find the right person, one day.

The blog will be on hiatus next week because I am on vacation!

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

June 1, 2011: Volume 31-The Birthday Blog

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 31

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=f2iWYE3Zbcc

I am calling this the birthday blog because my birthday is in a few days and getting another year older always makes me think about the process of aging and how I have changed and grown wiser.  So this week I am going to focus on some of the important things I have learned and ways I have changed in my 40’s. But first…………………..

My WTF of the week is the fact that I injured my neck while playing Cornhole.  Admittedly, before I went to the party where the game was being played I was thinking that cornhole was something else entirely.  For those of you who have not played it you throw these sacks filled with popcorn kernels at a slanted board with a hole on it.  The object of the game is to score points by getting your bag in the hole or getting it on the slanted board. I did pretty well for someone who is visually impaired because I kept adjusting the angle of the throw.  But somehow the repeated underhand throwing caused a severe pain on the right side of my neck and I can barely turn it or look upward. So be careful when engaging in cornholing, a seemingly innocuous but potentially injury causing game.   

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I am going to get to cross off an item that almost made my bucket list. I am going to do a pole dancing class for six weeks over the summer.  Now I need to say that this is not a stripper training class, but an actual fitness class at a gym where I will be wearing workout clothes, not a costume. I am so excited about the class because it is a fantastic core workout and just one more thing I have in my repertoire.  I wish I would have taken the class earlier because while I was in Charlotte over the past weekend I happened upon the North Carolina Pole Dancing Championships.  Although, as a learned later the women had super long hair and bot much of a costume and the way that they were drumming up audience members was to walk around to bars in the area and flash people New Orleans Mardi Gras style.  So, in the end I don’t think this is a contest I would have entered because I am not much of a flasher. 

As I turn another year older and move headlong into middle age, I have realized that like a fine wine, I have grown better with age. There are so many ways I have matured.  I decided to put some of those ways in list form below.

1)    I care less and less about what other people think about me.  I have learned the point is to stay true to myself and what I believe and to act with honesty and integrity. I really cannot control how other people respond to me, so I don’t think much about it.

2)    I like myself more and am more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t obsess about my weight or even put on makeup every day and most days when I look in the mirror I like what I see.  Admittedly I can’t see myself all that well now, but I liked what I saw before I lost my vision and I still do.

3)    I can be happy alone and really enjoy my time alone more than I used to.  I now cherish having times for quiet and relaxation and just doing the couch potato sessions.

4)    I am more patient and lose my temper less often.  With the exception of my PMDD days, I am mostly calm and can let things roll off my back.  Gone are the days of being angry about the little things. I am not saying that I am not assertive when I need to be because I am, but I don’t get into yelling matches with, let’s just say a clerk at a fast food restaurant who gave me the wrong change and called me a liar.  And I have less people on my “sh*t list”.

5)    I have learned to focus my energy on people, places and things that make me happy and not waste it on things that don’t give back. Sure there are things I must do and people with whom I have to deal that are tedious, but I know enough to limit those. I am more selective about where I put my time and energy and don’t try to do everything well or be all things to all people because I have learned doing that will just cause major stress.

6)    I take more risks and have found that learning new skills is becoming more important than learning new information.  Maybe my brain is just getting full, but as I have gotten older my focus has shifted from learning about new things in an intellectual sense to learning how to do new things, like belly dancing, interior design, rock climbing, kayaking, and riding a bike. All these things I have learned in the last few years and they bring ne joy.  I still like learning new information and to expand my base of knowledge but it is taking a backseat to the experience of things.

7)     I find humor in more things.  So many things are just plain funny. I think the reason is because I am more of an observer of what is going on around me and less in my head. And I find that when you are an observer there are many things to find the humor in.

8)    I have learned that you don’t necessarily have to like the people in your family, but you have to love and forgive them when you can.

9)    I have learned to let go of the past and to focus on what is ahead of me. I don’t replay things in my head or obsess much about what I should have done or said. I know that the past is the past and my job is to learn from past experiences, not dwell on them. I know that I have the power to create the future I want and at the same time recognize that you never really have control over what happens in your life.

10)  I place less importance on being independent and realize the need for being part of a group and being connected to others.  I know that I really can’t do it all on my own and that relying on others is not a weakness, but a strength.

There are other ways I have changed, but the ones above are the most important.  And I do not feel old in any way. I have the energy I had in my 30’s and maybe even 20’s. I think I am still cool because I keep up with fashion and design and the latest bands (although I could be fooling myself). So if 40 is the new 30, then I am good for the next seven years. I may be more freaked out when I hit 50, but so far aging has been an OK process.  So here is to another year older.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

may 25, 2011:The Bucket List

The Adventures of the Blind/ Low Vision/ Visually Impaired Girl- Volume 30: The Bucket List

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLSaRKhv7nQ&feature=player_detailpage

This week, amid the recent talk about the end of the world, I began to think about what items were on my bucket list the things I would like to do, see and experience before the end of my life. And although I am sure that the list will change, I found that being visually impaired did not really have that much impact on that list.  But first……………

My WTF of the week is people who think it is OK to let their child or adolescent have Botox/other injectables or even plastic surgery.  The “Toddlers in Tiaras” moms and, on occasion, dads, are using these methods to make their children more “beautiful”.  I am sure everyone has heard of the Botox mom who gave her 8 year old injections to make her look better and also said she was not the only one doing it.  Then there are the teenage girls getting lipo and boob jobs.  Here is my question, what doctors or other health professionals are allowing this to happen.  Doctors block families from removing life support and override other decisions in order to aggressively save lives, but they will go along with a mom who is allowing her 14 year old to have lipo and breast augmentation. I did not even think your boobs had grown to their full size by then, so why would you mess with them.  I know bullying is an issue and I was bullied for being a fat kid, but is that really a valid reason to get a nose job as a teen. And I don’t at all buy it when the parents say they are just doing it to make their child happy because it is what she wants.  I wanted a pony and a 68 Mustang convertible and a Barbie Dream house and I did not get those and was not scarred by it. What if your kid wanted some drugs to make them happier, would these parents go out and get an 8 ball for their teen. I think not. Why are we teaching our children to be focused on outer beauty and to gain  their self-worth from that beauty and that what we look like, our God given looks, are not OK and are just not good enough.  What a fantastic way to screw your child up for a lifetime.

This week I can’t get enough of my new device with vibrating rotating heads.  And, no, it is not what you think.  It is an epilator. An epilator is a device that kind of looks like an electric razor but actually has rotating heads that rip out your hair like tweezers.  So instead of shaving your legs you are, in fact, tweezing your legs. What this means is that your hair grows back in two weeks instead of two days and is finer over time. I was turned on to the epilator by the esthetician who does waxing at my salon, although she called it a dilipidator. So I did my research and price comparison and ended up with a Braun unit.  For a hairy Sicilian like me who has to shave every other day the thought of not shaving for two weeks is like a small miracle and greatly outweighs the pain involved with ripping the hairs out. I have not tried it yet, as I am growing out my leg hairs to the length required for the epilator to rip them out, but I have heard pain is involved. A telling fact is that my Braun came with an ice pack. The esthetician said it would be helpful to have a drink and a painkiller before using it, but since I don’t drink and pain killers don’t work on me I will use the ice pack and go for it. I will let you know how bad the pain is and how long I remain without hair on my legs. And if it is not that painful I am doing the underarm area!

As soon as I found out the world was going to end (of course nothing happened) I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do before I die.  I reserve the right to change my list, but for now, here are some of the items:

1)    Places to see—Italy, Easter Island, and The Galapagos. Australia and New Zealand, Stonehenge and maybe the Great Pyramid. I also would like to go to Rio during Carnival and dance on a float.

2)    I want to climb up a mountain, even a small one.

3)    I want to jump off a cliff into the ocean, not dive headfirst. Just jump.

4)    I want to be able to play the drums really well.

5)    I want to have my own radio or TV show or special. With Oprah off network TV there is avoid!

6)    I want to act and sing and dance in a play.

7)    I want to run a half marathon.

Admittedly there was one about being able to do a specific move on a stripper pole (for fitness purposes only) but that seemed a little too risqué for the list.  It goes without saying that you want all my family and friends to be happy and I want my daughter to grow up to be a happy stable and contributing member of society and to be there to see that, but that is more of an if you could wave a magic wand list.  I will say there are a few things I may add when I get new retinas and those will be learning to snow ski, doing a triathlon and driving a race car. 

Making the bucket list also made me think about why we have these lists in the first place. For me, it is about living life fully and about having something to look forward to and to strive for.  It gives me hope that I can accomplish things and engage in activities that inspire me and fill me with awe and wonder. And it reminds me that there is not a timeline or an age limit on challenging myself and taking some risks.  To me, the bucket list adds spice to what could be a bland life. So I recommend making one and then setting out to do some of the things, if not all, on your list.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

May 11, 2011 Blog 29:What's up with people

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 29

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RqJGq2V9f-A

This week I am going to focus on how my perceptions about people have changed since my accident and what I have learned about how to protect myself and what I want in relationships.  But first……………..

My WTF of the week is I am beginning to think that there are a very few healthy, stable, mature and relationship-ready men out there in the dating pool.  In general the man pool is a dirty and somewhat treacherous place where there should be signs that say “swim at your own risk” and “no lifeguard on duty”.  I also think it is a kiddie pool, which can also get dirty and scary. I have no time to teach swimming lessons, nor will I be swimming in the lady pool.  I think I will be hanging out by the side of the pool, sipping a cool beverage waiting to see who is smart enough to also get out of the pool to sit at the side and relax.  

This week I can’t get enough of the Housewives of New York City. It is just superior to the other Housewives shows.  There are so many things to love about it.  One of my favorite scenes so far this season was the conversation at Cindy’s spa, where they do waxing and laser with a focus on the area “downtown”, as Sonya puts it. The Countess seems unwilling to discuss the landscaping issue, but most will give their opinions on going completely bare or still having the “runway” (because fashions change).  But then Countess Luann goes for the laser treatment and comes out and announces she is completely bare.  Her reason: because you must try new things when people give you a gift, darling.  I must say that landscaping is not an issue women, at least the ones I know, talk about and I am so glad I have no idea what is going on “downtown” with my friends. But if I were inclined to have that discussion, I would want it to sound as classy as the one on the NYC Housewives. I also can’t get enough of the gift my daughter gave me for Mother’s Day. My five year old embroidered a panel and used fabric and sewed me a bag, which I am now using as my purse.  And if you say she sewed or stitched the embroidered part, she will correct you by saying, “that is not sewing, it is embroidery”. She was so proud of her work and I must say it was the best gift I have ever received.  She has declared that her next project is to knit a scarf.

Lately I have been reflecting on how my thoughts about people have changed since my accident.  I have written before about the transition from being a very independent person to one that must ask for help to get basic things like grocery shopping done.  Asking for help, as I have said before, is not easy and in that process I have learned who are givers and the ways in which specific people can help in specific ways that feel comfortable for them.  But having to ask for help and rely on others has also made me realize that many people don’t have the time, energy or inclination to be of help and that has made me feel a bit more pessimistic about the altruistic nature of people.  There have been many articles and books written about the breakdown of our social networks and the independent nature of our society.  “We do it all, everything, on our own, we don’t need anything or anyone” is a line from Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars. But I think most of us are so used to functioning in that society and functioning independently, that we never think about how it affects us.  That is, until we need those networks.  Now that I rely on others and on social support networks to help me I realize how rare they are and that they only tend to exist in our churches.  My most reliable transportation has come from the church group who adopted me. I recently realized that how I have coped with the lack of social support is that I stopped asking for help and started doing one of two things, paying for it or putting on my running shoes.  I have adapted both by being netter at asking for help but also by figuring out ways to not have to.

The lack of social support networks and the cult of individualism also reach into the dating realm.  Everyone seems to be out for themselves with a focus on getting their needs met.  As I have begun dating again there are a few things I have realized and also been told.  One is that I have a positive energy and can lift people up and also a stability that makes people feel safe and secure.  We are told that we get back what we put into the universe, and maybe that is true, but what I have also found is that you can draw people that have a need for what you are putting out there.  Because of my energy and presence and lets just call it passion, I have drawn people who are negative, needy, insecure and at times, immature. And they tend to come to take what they need, ignoring that I need a little help at times, which leaves me drained.  And because I need my energy to deal with the daily challenges I face in my reality, I am not willing to have this happen.  I am also not willing to change who I am. The good thing is that I know when I feel drained it means that I am with people who are wrong for me. I am looking for people who enrich my life. 

I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s (Eat, Pray, Love) new book called “Committed: A Love Story” and she talks about the need for companionship as a way to share your experiences and to weave a shared history with another person.  She calls this a need for private intimacy.  In my singleness and being independent I do much alone, but that essence of having someone beside you to share in your story and to witness you and your life is compelling and I think, necessary in the long term.  It is the question of if a tree falls in the woods when no one is around, does it make a sound? Similarly do the experiences and stories in our life have meaning if they are not witnessed or shared? What I know is that private intimacy and companionship is something I would like to have in my life.  But that means finding someone who can listen to your story, tell theirs openly and be willing to lose a part of their independence to commit to the interwoven nature of creating a shared journey. So I will continue my journey shedding those that are not willing or able to share my story and enrich my life in some way.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

May 4, 2011-Volumn 28:The should I move blog

The Adventures of The Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 28

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=nXcI0G6m-Ew

This week I am going to write about the process I am going through in considering moving to a new city. After 20 years in Columbia, I feel I need a change and it raises the questions of why, what is to be gained and what is to be lost.  Why choose to go through another major life change?  But first………..

My WTF of the week is the fact that I sustained my first injury from running. This is proof that my body is breaking down in my middle age.  I thought I had overstretched my Achilles but realized I just aggravated an old sprain.  So after icing and wrapping it for a few days, I started gradually running on it again with it wrapped and wearing a more supportive shoe.  A week later I was back to running 5 miles with it taped and in my lovely running socks. So maybe it is a little swollen, but it does not hurt, so I will continue running until something else breaks down or I wince in pain. Because that seems to be the smart thing to do, right?

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I am putting myself out there for public consumption.   I finally, with the help of my assistant, wrote to the producers of the Oprah show and OWN to talk about why my story is worthy of some screen time.  If you would like to see me on the OWN, you can also suggest that I would make a good guest on a show. The more e-mails they get about me, the more they will think that my story is newsworthy. I mean how many people kill their retinas with exercise bands.  I may even consider having incentives for people to write in about me. Name your price. I could be on Gayle’s show, but I am thinking it would be cool to be on Dr. Oz. He could do a show on vision, optical health and the fact that macular degeneration, which also causes the retinas to die, is a growing issue because of our aging population or he could talk about wearing eye protection. I have an ulterior motive for being on that show. If I get on there I will personally refute some of the things he said about what happens to women over 40 where in one case a dried out sponge was used as an example. Man, that was scary. I am also looking into getting an agent who could help me get in front of more people to do speaking engagements as a motivational (or just a little hyper) speaker.  I have also decided it would be cool to see if I could model.  I am the sample size for the first time in my life and am tall enough and I have been told there is work for  women in their 40’s, and not just in Depends ads and talking about menopause (hopefully). It will be interesting to see what happens.  I could just be fooling myself with all of this, but it is worth a shot.  And I actually got the modeling idea after seeing that Alex “I found my voice” McCord of the NYC Housewives was starting a modeling career, so I can’t take credit for that brilliant idea.  I also had an idea for a show called “I am blind, what’s your excuse”, but thought people may find that a little offensive.

Lately I have been thinking about making a move from Columbia to Charlotte.  I have been in Columbia for 20 years and really did not mean to be here that long. I thought I was going to be here for graduate school and then move somewhere else. But an internship, a job, a consulting business and relationships kept me here. Over the years many of my friends have left for greener pastures.  At the end of this month two more of my friends are leaving.  As my group of friends here dwindles, I have begun to question why I am still here.  I think the main reason is that I and my daughter have family here and a network of support and friends.  My daughter, however, seems to be resilient when it comes to friends leaving. When I told her one of her best friends was moving, she wanted to know two things, 1) can we visit him and stay overnight with him and his mom and 2) when he was 16 could he drive to Columbia to see her and have a sleepover. I agreed to everything except the sleepover at 16. And she said “OK that is cool”. So, is it cool for me to leave friends and family behind?

In reality, Charlotte is not that far away (about 1.5 hours) so we could have lots of visitors (especially if I move anywhere near the Trader Joe’s). I already have some friends there and can begin to build new support networks. And the timing seems right. My daughter will transition into the first grade and will be changing schools in the fall of 2012 and I had also planned to put my house on the market.  I can do my life coaching business from anywhere and Charlotte is a bigger market for customers and for speaking and modeling if I go that route. There are great schools in the neighborhood  in which I would like to live-two public Montessori’s within walking distance, one in which my friend is the school psychologist.

  

Even though Columbia is slowly becoming a somewhat more interesting place to live (could I have used more qualifiers), it still lacks the metropolitan and cosmopolitan feel that I grew up in and that I long for. I also would love a better transportation system, more choices in live music, art and plays, and a neighborhood where I could walk or run to stores, eating places, etc. given that I cannot drive. Although I can do that somewhat now, there are places in Charlotte that are even more convenient and where there are stores where I can get vintage clothing and indulge my mid-century modern fetish.

So why is the decision to leave so hard and so scary, and does my visual impairment have anything to do with it. It goes without saying it will be difficult to leave family and friends and our support network. Of course, there is the selling of my house in this market or the leasing of it and who really wants to do that. And then packing, which is always a nightmare and even more so now that I can’t see to sort through what stays and what goes. Then I have to make trips back and forth to Charlotte to look for housing and at schools and have to rely on others to make those trips. Then there is the issue of whether I will really be able to judge the adequacy of a new space. Then there is the issue of meeting new people and establishing a support network which includes a network of drivers. Lastly, there is the big issue-I have to get my ex-husband’s permission to cross state lines and may not be able to do that. If I could drive I could live over the state line in SC but that is not a possibility for me because of the lack of public transportation and walkable communities. So, my visual impairment is a very big issue when it comes to my ability to relocate.

But the great thing is I am not moving because I have to, because I am following anyone or because I am unhappy and running away from something. And that actually makes the decision harder. I would be moving to somehow make our quality of life better and if that could really happen is a gamble. So I am pondering this decision slowly and carefully, and it may take more than a year to make it. But that is OK; I am happy where I am right now and have plenty of time to make changes in my life.  As do we all!

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 27, 2011: Volume 27-The Breakup Blog

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 27

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8gBdeTAN4o&feature=player_detailpage

This week I am going deep and writing about something I have not really talked about in my blog.  You see, in July 2010 I had two traumatic events happen that forever altered my life.  One was my accident and loss of vision, which has somewhat been the focus of my writing.  The other was that three weeks before my accident I broke up with the person that I loved deeply.  You would think that the loss of my vision would be the more traumatic of the two and you would be wrong.  It was the loss of my love that has been the hardest from which to recover. And in this blog I will try to explain why.

I was with my boyfriend for 23 months.  On the day we decided to split he told me he was half in and half out of the relationship and that he did not think he could ever love me.  I told him that was not good enough for me and left. In those 23 months we actually had a great relationship and I, for the first time in my life, decided to go all in and fully love someone.  When I decided to do that, a few months into our relationship I had no clue that I had chosen to love a man who would never commit to me or love me back. There was no way I could have known that. So you could say that when we broke up I finally saw the truth about the fact we had no future. I woke up and saw the light, and three weeks later I was, ironically, blinded.

I decided to write about this after I ran into him this past weekend. Even though we live about 10 blocks from each other, I had managed to not run into him for exactly 7 months. But at the park, at this Easter egg hunt, with our children there, I could not avoid him, and really did not want to. So, I approached him and we talked.  What I immediately knew was that my feelings had not changed. When we talked it was as if nothing else was going on, like I was in a bubble.  Every neuron was firing and I could even sense when he was near me when we were separated–chemistry, electricity, energy, whatever it is, it is powerful.  To me the nervousness I felt in the pit of my stomach and the feeling all my hairs were standing up is a testament to how much I love him-a fact that will not change.  It is what it is, even though I may love another or several others in the future.  But our story is over.  I saw him at a park and I may or may never see him again.  Nothing has changed, because we do not want the same things. He does not love me or have room for me in his life and I am looking for something better than that. And we cannot be friends, because too much has happened between us and we cannot hold tight enough boundaries to not have a physical relationship.

All those feelings of love are tied into feelings of loss now and are impossible to separate.  They are a mass of powerful emotions.  In the grieving of the loss of him I have shed lots of tears. After seeing him I went home and cried. Many have asked the question –is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?  My answer is yes. To truly and fully love takes a huge amount of risk because you never know the outcome.  But to say that you have felt and can feel that kind of love is worth all the risk.  Especially when you manage to love and not lose yourself in the process. In that love I had many moments of bliss, unadulterated joy and unforgettable memories and I would not trade those for anything. And time is healing my wounds. I knew that the other day when I was able to be around him and carry on a normal conversation and not have a breakdown (the I need to get in the bed kind) afterward.

The loss of that relationship- of the person I loved has been harder than the loss of my vision because it is a situation I cannot control.  I have the capability and capacity to take the actions I need to adapt to my visual impairment and I do that on my own terms. I am somewhat in control of the outcome.  In the relationship I was not in control of how he felt about me and cannot change him or the fact he cannot love me.  And that is what makes it hard-the great romantic tragedy. That two people with tons of chemistry, things in common and caring who really saw and knew each other and who had a wonderful time together will never be together.          

What I have worked on and realized is that, even though I got burned, I am still open to love and want that as part of my life.  I, unlike him, am not willing to live out my days alone without a partner.  This does not mean I am desperate and need someone. I am in a place of choice where I am choosing to be open to finding a loving partner and companion.  And I will not settle. But to find that is not easy and I find myself being more cautious and less excited about new people. I am interested more in finding a person to relax and have a good time with, than looking for a person with which to share a lifetime.  So, almost 10 months later maybe I am not ready for big love or a serious commitment, but I hold on to hope that life is still full of surprises and maybe someone will surprise me.

I am one of the many who have suffered through a breakup. Who hasn’t? The key to moving on is to let go of the anger or resentment, take the time to grieve the loss, and leave the baggage of the old relationship behind. And in meeting new people keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your head clear. And remember that the other person is lucky to be with you and you deserve to be loved.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock