The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 85: On Being Another Year Older and Maybe Wiser
Another year older next week brings another set of reflections about where I am at this age. This birthday seems like a big one, 45. No more pretending like I am not squarely into middle age and more than half of my life is likely over. I should probably keep my age a secret. I get told I look under 40, so I could keep turning 39. But in reality I am proud of who I am, where I am and how at look. It seems to only get better. That is the focus of the blog.
I am writing this blog early because next week, on my actual birthday, I will be in NYC celebrating. We have no plans except for The National concert the first night we arrive. I did not think at this age I could be so excited about seeing a band, but I am intensely psyched about being able to have that experience and such awesome seats. We have no other plans except to wing it each day, staying in the living room of my best friend and his partner. We call it “doing NYC single moms on a budget” style. I call it spontaneous and fun. Again, this does not at all feel middle-aged., adventuring our way around the city and letting the days and nights unfold. But it seems like me.
I feel beautiful at 45. I feel confident and confortable in my own skin. This week I had a photo shoot to take new head shots. Amy, the hair and makeup person, was there the whole time. Fixing my hair and touching up my makeup. I was in four outfits, two hairstyles and various poses. It felt good to get that kind of attention. I felt like I was on a real model shoot and that any moment Rachel Zoe would swoop in to style me. And it was good knowing Ashley would take incredible pictures to capture me at this point in my life. I felt like I was connecting with the camera, even though I had to guess on the location of it and the lens. I was able to hopefully show my inner glow. I think I have that at this age. That glow that comes from both the knowing and the liking of yourself. And in these moments I feel powerful. And being asked to walk in the celebrity fashion show at ColumbiaStyle Week is just another opportunity to “work it.” I plan to show my edgy style and fierce walk. I work hard on my body, working out 5 days a week. I eat really healthy and I take care of my skin. It does not come naturally. The results are worth all the effort, even though I can't really see my face or body that well. I can feel it and others can see it. That is motivation enough for me.
An additional perk is that I am finally getting some boobs. I had heard about this boob phenomena of women all of a sudden having bigger boobs in their 40’s. Some kind of peri-menopausal perk to make up for the rest of the crap. But I had no hope of it ever happening to me. And I actually didn’t know it was happening until my daughter kept pointing it out. “Mommy, she said, you are finally getting some boobies.” I just never noticed. It is, for me, especially difficult to see going from little to slightly less little. She had been begging me to try on my wedding dress for her. So the other day I found it and donned it and twirled around. It was a little big in certain areas but it was tighter in the bust area. And that is what convinced me that maybe; just maybe I was a little bigger up top. I am glad I beat Sadie to my bust development stage. Hope this growth spurt continues. Remember the line in Grease, “10I must, I must I must increase my bust.”
Am I where I thought I would be at 45. No way could I have predicted that. As I have said many times I would have never thought I would be a visually impaired single mom of a 7 year old at this age. I have no crystal ball or magic wand so I just go with whatever happens. Hell, I don’t plan much of anything anymore. One of the ways I have gotten wiser is that I know that life is largely unpredictable and out of my control and I have to just go with the flow. Ride the current and not swim against it. Or float on top of all the churning waters below me. I have learned to relax and breathe and float. That serves me well every day. When I have obstacles both literally like that series of steps I have to navigate or figuratively like how I can rebrand my business. I am more apt to throw up my hands and say I give up and let the Universe do its work.
I am a better parent as I age. I think I am more patient, more observant and find most things about parenting fun in a dark comedy kind of way. There have been really rough times and I take things day to day. But as my daughter matures and gets wiser I have to be on my toes. She is in need of a sort of sparring partner or a wall to hit up against. And she is always in need of a referee. I can take on all those roles. And I see myself in her more and more. Now that I recognize myself I know what to do. I am blessed that I can give to her all the things that will support her hopes and dreams. Because I had those same dreams. And really she is a money making venture if I am realistic about the possibilities.
I define success differently at 45 because of both age and disability. There is a whole chapter in my book that talks about how I had to redefine what accomplishment meant and how I derived a sense of impact from my actions. Now I feel successful when it is a good day and there are no disagreements. Or when my clients show up or when I write something I like. Or when I have a good conversation. All those are successes. All those nourish my soul. And yes that is the change in me at this age. I seek to nourish my soul and to do what feels good. I experience curiosity, wonder and amazement. That is what makes me feel alive and vibrant. When you lose your ability to be surprised, amazed or filled with wonder. When you lose your ability to laugh at yourself and at the absurd. When you lose your ability to giggle when you are happy you begin to get old and start the dying in little doses.
At 45 I feel young and alive. And maybe even a little on fire. I know myself. I am still learning what I am capable of. I am usually not afraid of what is going to happen next. I am hopefully optimistic. I can forgive and move on. And I can love, really love. I know what I want in a relationship and am really healthy in them. I am continually seeking to learn new things and learn about new people. And I am willing to admit my faults and weaknesses and be held accountable for my behavior. And I hold others accountable for theirs and keep my boundaries tight.
So, here is to being 45. It will sit well with me. And this will be my year. Maybe, if the Universe allows.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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