May 8, 2013-Volume 83: Query Quandary, Am I Really A writer?

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 83: Query Quandary, Am I Really A writer?

In these past weeks, as I have been sending out queries trying to convince some agent, any agent, to want to represent my book I have realized that I am not very good in marketing myself. And, when it comes to being a writer, I have no track record. I am trying to sound convincing and self-assured and confident; things I usually am. But I am thinking, “What the hell am I doing. Am I really a writer?” That process of owning my identity as a writer is the focus of this blog.  But first………….

My WTF of the week is that we got two school projects in the last 3.5 weeks of school. And one is the dreaded diorama. I knew this would be coming at some point, along with the volcano project I had hoped would come later. All year I have finessed my way through helping my daughter with school projects and some have been challenging. But all of them I could manage with my limited vision. But a diorama is not an easy task because it contains small things. And I cannot see small things. The project came with four pages of instructions, which would have taken a long time to read with my magnifiers or the zoom camera. It is also on green paper, making reading it even more difficult. So I did the right thing and made my daughter read the instructions, given it is her project. Let’s just say she paraphrased the instructions so that I have some idea of what we are doing, but not really. We have a scene from the Indian in the Cupboard. It has to be three dimensional, and have at least one moving part. Great, small things with moving parts, not at all a problem. So we Google images of Little Bear (I thought that was an actual bear cartoon) and see that there is a Little Bear action figure from the movie, which is three dimensional and I am hoping has moving parts. This figurine came with the 1995 VCR tape (for you young folks, in the olden days we had tapes which came before the DVD) and they are collectible. But I manage to get one on eBay and pay a few extra bucks to get it here at the last possible second to glue him into the scene. Then we come up with a great idea for the diorama which involves my ripping up some old jeans. So even though I am still not sure what we are actually doing or will be able to really see the final product in its awesomeness, we will have some kind of diorama to turn in next week, And with that the first grade projects will hopefully be completed. I may not make it through second grade.

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that someone, somewhere has decided I am a local celebrity who will be walking in the local celebrity runway show at ColumbiaStyle Week. That is right folks; I will be walking my kind of blind ass down a runway. Let’s be clear, I can stomp down a runway-attitude and all. But I probably, with the lights down and cameras flashing (I am assuming it will be am actual runway show and that there will be paparazzi of some sort) there is no way I will be able to see the runway or the end of it. But you know I love a challenge and have a plan. I will count steps. One time or two down the runway making sure I stride the same way and in my best “Miss J would be proud” walk, I should be able to get to the end, look fierce and walk my ass back to from whence it came. And don't think I won't be jockeying for a really good outfit to wear. I will fight like it’s a Filene's basement super sale or one of those bridal dress smack downs. I am also having new head shots done. My last pictures are great and these really do, hopefully still look like me. But we all know that I have no clue since I can’t see myself that well. It has been 2.5 years and even though I have not aged a bit (I had some assistance here) it is time to have updated pics. So I have to make sure my hair is freshly colored, my eyebrows are not unruly, my manicure is flawless and my skin is glowing from a microdermabrasion. I have scheduled all these interventions with precise timing to be ready for the headshot day looking as best as I possibly can. Sadie is getting hers done too. She has decided to be the next a little less Latina version of Selena Gomez. So I am supporting her in her dream.  But since she just naturally looks good I will wash and straighten her hair and put some lip gloss and a little blush on her. Oh, to be young again. Recently she was doing a friends hair on the playground and the helpless little girl says, “Ouch, you are hurting me.” And my daughter says, “Beauty is pain.”  How did she learn this (it was not me)? But she is right. It also takes time and money. And you know what they say-it takes a village---people.

For the past few weeks I have queried agents, trying to get them to represent my book, which at this stage is only a manuscript. Like that bill, on Capitol Hill who wants to be a law someday. And my not yet a book is all about me. So I am trying to sell me as a central figure in a story and me as a writer. And I am trying to prove I have a platform which essentially means I can make people be interested in, fascinated by and ultimately care enough about me to buy my story. And I am thinking two things, one I am not very good at tooting my own horn and second, I have not considered myself a writer. So to sell myself as a writer is a double whammy of being out of my comfort zone. Way out.

I write. I put words on paper (well actually type them into a computer). My words taking the form of book, of poetry and of lyric. In all these ways I am expressing my creativity. But does that make me a writer, a poet or a songstress. I have published nothing. I have not even sung my songs or read my book or performed poetry in front of others. Very few people have seen my work. This includes this blog thing I do each week. But I am ready to share my manuscript. In part because some of it has been shared in blogs and in my talks and in part because I know what I did can have impact. But I have to see myself as writer to sell what I know. I not only have a damn good story, I wrote a damn good story. How did I do this?

The truth is, and I have come to realize, that I have been writing most of my life. I wrote in my super-secret journal as a teenager and also wrote sons and poetry in my 20’s. I wrote articles through undergrad and graduate school. I wrote countless papers, a comps paper, a dissertation proposal and a dissertation. After school I wrote an evaluation manual and countess evaluation reports, strategic plans and community assessments. I also developed at least 15 different training programs. As a life coach I have written workshop materials for 10 different workshops and almost four years’ worth of newsletters. I have written thousands and thousands of pages. Some of which, holy crap, have been published. But nowhere in those thousands of pages did I see myself as writer. I saw myself as angry adolescent, student, and consultant and life coach. It was work and it was academic or evaluation based or written for money at the end of a process. It was not creative expression of my thoughts or opinions. Or was it, because there is no way to be objective.

But not even when I began to blog and blog and blog did I even consider I was writing or that I was a writer. “I have a blog”, I would say.  When I was writing the book I still did not consider myself a writer. I was compelled to slice myself open and rip out my guts in a process of healing I thought could help others. My accident and its aftermath was a good story with lessons to be learned and maybe it was even inspirational. When asked if I would write other books my answer was always, and may still be, “No.” I am supposed to tell this story and it is the only one I have to share.

But again, that is not really true. Each week I write new material and think of other topics and yes, even other books. And I am compelled to write. I process my emotions through poetry and song first and then through narrative. And more than anything the need, the desire, to write words makes me a writer. And according to my creative coach Cassie, a good one.

So now that I am a writer I must put on my writer sash and mix and mingle with other writers. Holding my head high and wearing my heels higher. Dipping my toes in the waters of the published and learning their secrets. This means sharing my work and selling myself as author. And to do that I must write a new script for myself, create a new avatar. It looks like there is more writing to be done. And maybe another version of my query letter.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock