October 26, 2011-Volume 47: Things That Scare Me

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 47: Things that Scare Me

In honor of Halloween, I have decided to talk about the things that terrify, scare or otherwise freak me out.  Interestingly the list is not that long.  But First……………….

My WTF of the week is the fact that when I went to pick up my blind person of the year award it was a certificate in a frame so I could not read most of it. What I could read was that the name on this award was wrong.  The award was for Lisa Medlock. So I said, it looks great, but that is not my name.  I know I should be grateful and not complain at all.  But the fact is that my case manager who also won an award for me being the most awesome blind person, did not even realize my name was not Lisa. So, they were apologetic and are going to fix the name. I still cannot read most of what the certificate says without my magnifier glasses.  It is baffling they give the blind a visual award. Rather strange to me.

This week I cannot get enough of me and my daughter’s Halloween costumes.  We debuted these costumes at Boo at the Zoo a few days ago (see picture). Sadie picked out these costumes and did a fabulous job.  She is Super Girl and I am Wonder Woman. Sadie looked totally cute as usual and was very excited that, according to her, the Super Girl costume could actually make you fly.  I rocked the Wonder Woman costume with confidence and I really think the Lynda Carter wig completed the look.  I managed to come up with a way to even fill out the top of the costume.  My boyfriend, who did careful research on Wonder Woman and seems to have an uncanny memory of her costume, reminded me that she actually wore boy shorts that were padded in the back to increase the junk in the trunk.  All the Wonder Woman costumes had a skirt, but I would have worn the boy shorts (although no padding would be needed).  My daughter asked me what Wonder Woman talked like, but I could not remember because there did not seem to be much dialogue involved.  There was just a lot of running. A friend and I decided this was a definite precursor to Baywatch. Here is the reaction at the zoo—Wow, there is Wonder Woman and Super Girl.  Since I can’t tell if people are looking at me, especially at bight I checked in with my friend who said, “You are getting some looks from the middle aged men and teenage girls”.  And I was the only mommy dressed up as Wonder Woman.  I think Halloween is a perfect time to dress up in totally inappropriate costumes and as long as you are wearing a wig you cannot be identified.  I still need to obtain the lasso of truth and obedience I can use that on Halloween night to score lots of candy.  My line will be-unhand that chocolate.

So, I admit to having some strange fears.  Some of these have always been there and others have developed over time.  The list is in no particular order.

1)    Clowns- There is something totally unnatural about clowns. I think my fear of them was heightened by that scène is Poltergeist where that clown doll tries to drag the boy under the bed. Man that was terrifying.

2)    Snakes- I don’t like their skin or the fact they slither. I am so horrified by them I can’t even look at them on TV. One tine when I was lying out in my backyard as a teen, one slithered over my legs and I jumped up and tried to run back in the house so fast that I forgot to open the sliding glass door and banged into it. I never went in the backyard again.

3)    Porcelain dolls-The way they stare at you and the whiteness of their faces makes them seem preternatural. They also are supposed to look like children but have these adult like faces. That Chucky doll movie did me in-a doll with an evil look killing people-it’s just too much.

4)    Throwing up- I have a tremendous aversion to vomiting and will do anything and everything not to throw up, even though I know it will make me feel better.  I will force down crackers and ginger ale and Pepto so I don’t get sick.  If I do end up throwing up I start crying like a baby because it is so aversive to me.

5)    Rides that spin in a circle- The teacup rides are rides of horror.  Anything that spins me around in a circle makes me horribly sick. I can’t even walk when I get off the ride. I can do roller coasters, drop zones and even would bungee, but the teacup ride scares the heck out of me.

6)    Any movie that has to do with being possessed by the Devil- This could be a Catholic girl thing, but I have never been able to watch more than 20 minutes of the Exorcist without losing it.  Even the music freaks me out.  And The Omen was terrifying, as was Rosemary’s Baby.  I had nightmares for weeks after that one. There is something about evil or the devil possessing someone that I just can’t handle.

Of course I have normal fears too, like something happening to my child or someone I love or my house burning down with all my stuff in it or drowning.  But there are lots of things I don’t really fear or think about, like death or getting sick or having no money. For some reason, those things don’t really bother me.  I am thankful that I don’t have fears that hold me back, like a fear or failing or making mistakes or looking stupid. I have done those things plenty of times.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

October 19, 2011-Volume 46: What Else Should I Write, I Don't Have the Right

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 46: What Else Should I Write, I Don’t Have the Right

For the past few weeks I have been wondering why I am still blogging, if anyone is reading it, or if it is even important that anyone is reading it. I wonder when or if I will run out of things to say or if my experiences have become so normalized they no longer have to do with my visual impairment.  But then………………

My WTF of the week is the experience I had trying to put in and take out a contact lens.  You may and should be wondering why I am even using a contact lens. A doctor came up with a plan to try and make my blown pupil smaller by using a non-prescription colored lens (the don’t it make my brown eyes blue kind). That way there is not as much light pouring in so I get less flashing and maybe a little less light distortion. What seemed like a good plan quickly went awry. First of all the contact made my eye two shades darker than my other eye and was noticeable, according to witnesses. Most people did not notice one pupil was bigger than the other one, but an iris much darker than the other one looks weird, not cool in a David Bowie two different colored eyes way.  Then after going outside I realized the contact made no difference in my visual field.  The doctor encouraged me to try it out as we had a 90 day trial period, but I said there was no way I was going to try and mess with a contact when i could not see what I was doing and that it was already irritating my eye after 5 minutes.  So then she wanted the contact lens people to still teach me how to put it in and get it out.  The fun started when I tried to get it out and it failed to move, then a nurse tried to get it out and also could not do it.  A third person was called in and they began flooding the eye with lubricating drops and finally got it out.  Because my eyes produce no oil that thing was totally stuck.  In fact, most people with dry eyes cannot wear contacts and now I know why.  They still wanted me to take the contact home since “it gets easier the more you try”.  If it took two nurses and a ton of drops to get it out then I did not think I was going to do so well.  Plus, since my eye felt irritated I would have to keep asking people if my eye was getting red.  Too much work.

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I am an award winner.  I won the South Carolina Commission for the Blind Consumer of 2010 or maybe the Vocational Rehabilitation Case of the Year (which does not sound nearly as good, but what was in the letter I received). I am not sure what this means.  I know that I did not win a cash prize. I think it means that I am the most awesome kind of blind person ever (or that the SCCB dealt with that year). This totally baffles me. I harassed those poor people and complained when the services were not delivered in a timely or in a professional manner. If holding people accountable makes me the best consumer then that rocks, because that is what a good consumer should do.  This week I will pick up what has been described to me as a beautiful award. I am guessing it could be a plaque and if so I probably won’t be able to read it, but I will display it proudly. Or maybe it is a lovely plant. What it is does not matter. I will remember the awesome responsibility I have in being the blind consumer of the year and that means I will continue to not let it stop me. Also, if someone makes me a sash I will wear it.

I have been writing this blog for a year and am beginning to wonder if and when it should end.  I began writing the blog because I started to write a book about how my life radically changed after my accident and I just could not get it all out. So, I decided to write a weekly blog that captured what I was thinking, feeling and going through as I dealt with my new reality. It was and still is cathartic for me.  At first, I wrote the blog for me alone and did not think about or really care who read it. Over the past year that has shifted a bit in that I think about if what I am experiencing and thinking can be useful to others and therefore I wonder about the “take away’s” from my blog. I used a Kurt Cobain line (from All Apologies) as the title of the blog because at times I do wonder what makes what I say important or readable or why anyone would pay attention to it. I guess the bigger question is “does it matter or is it chatter”.

There is also a part of me that thinks sometimes it is strange to share yourself with others through blogging. I am honest and authentic in my blog and in that way I am letting people I do not know into my world. When I am down, my blogs are dark, when I am frustrated they are angry and when I am happy they are comical (hopefully). So they become a window into my emotional state.  You would think I would go back and read old blogs, but the truth is I have never read a blog after it has been posted and I am not sure why.  I think it is because the writing is almost a dumping process that reflects where I am at a point in time. Because I am a moving forward type of gal, I tend not to want to go back to those places.

My goal was to take all the blogs I have written and see if I have something, that with work could become a book.  Right now I have no sense of what that would be.  I think this is why I am still writing and maybe when I feel I have something I will stop, or at least pause. And maybe there will be some weeks where I don’t have anything to say. With all this said, the blog will continue, at least for the near future. I hope that those who read it at least get a chuckle or two at times and maybe some kind of “ahha” moment. But if not, that is OK too.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

October 12, 2011-Volume 45: Making the Choice to be in a Relationship

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 45: Making the Choice to be in a Relationship

I am one of those people who are OK not being in a relationship.  I am OK with myself and have enough interests and hobbies and things to occupy my time.  I don’t feel that a relationship is something I need, although it is something I want.  I have realized that being in a relationship becomes a daily, weekly, monthly choice.  It is a choice to invest time, care and energy in another person.  In past years being a relationship was more a need, a thing to fill a perceived void, and it led me to be with people I should have run screaming from.  Now, being at a place where I am able to choose allows me to truly commit and continually examine my feelings and my investment, and that is a good and healthy thing, and is the focus of my blog.  But first..............................

My WTF of the week is the fact that I have come close to being road kill several times by people running a stop light or a stop sign. What I would like to say to these drivers is that a stop sign is not optional. You actually have to come to a stop.  If you were able to just roll through the thing it would say Yield and be yellow.  And a red light also means come to a full stop. When the light is yellow and you are close enough that you can make it, I have no problem with a person gunning it. But if the light has turned red before you get to the intersection, you should be on the brakes. Also those lines that demarcate a crosswalk are there for a reason and when you stop your front end should be behind it, not over it. Be warned, if you do this I will kick your tire and give you a really dirty look as I have to maneuver around your clearly misplaced car. I now just assume no one is going to stop at the stop signs so I hold up and look and make sure there are no cars within three car lengths before I cross. And when I am crossing at lights I wait a few seconds after the light has turned red to make sure the cars are all braking or stopping then run fast across the street with the few seconds I have left.  I, as a visually impaired pedestrian, should not have to do this much work to get around town safely. And then there is the problem that most of the places where I cross have no audible signals for the blind or visually impaired.  Let’s get on the ball City of Columbia. Someone is going to get hurt out there.

This week I can’t get enough of laser hair removal. I have already had my first session and I did not think it hurt that much. The most disconcerting thing was the smell of burning hair.  But you get used to that quickly. The laser machine has a cool blast of air to cool down the hot laser. It was interesting feeling the cool blast of air during the bikini area hair removal because I was hoping that the laser was not going anywhere near where I was feeling the air at times. After the session you have to drink lots of water so that you don’t get dehydrated, which leads to itching.  So I drank copious amounts of water as to not embarrass myself by having to scratch certain areas.  Do not be afraid of the laser, the pain is tolerable and it is your friend. 

I am in an interesting place in my life where being in a relationship is a conscious choice where I am continually processing things like if I am getting my needs met, if the relationship feels reciprocal and if I am happy.  These are important questions to ask, but you can only really ask these questions if you are willing to end a relationship if the answer is NO. And that means you have to be OK with being alone.  Relationships, no matter how much you love someone, take work. They don’t just happen. And when you are OK and can be happy being alone, it is a choice you make to do the work.  That choice depends on what you are putting in and what you are getting back. That choice depends on how much you feel energized by the relationship and if you are growing as a person. That choice depends on if you feel heard respected and can be your authentic self in the relationship. Having the ability to consider that choice is empowering and freeing, because you are doing what is truly right for you.

It took me a long time to get to this place. In earlier relationships I was not as OK with myself.  I felt more of a need to be in a relationship and because I was not good with me I attracted people who were not really right for me.  And I never felt as if I had a choice or that I was deciding if the relationship was good, I was content that I was in a relationship and happy that someone actually liked me enough to date or marry me.  So I, like many others, stayed too long in relationships that were not healthy.

Now, being in a place of choice is comforting but also uncomfortable because it feels new. And I have my struggles.  There are times when I wonder why a person, specifically, my boyfriend, would choose a single parent who is visually impaired. And I have to remind myself that we all have flaws and I have much more to bring to the table.  As I have said before my visual impairment does not define who I am. So, now and for the last 5 months I daily, weekly and monthly choose to commit myself to my relationship and in that commitment I am fully accountable for my actions and fully present. And that is a good place to be. 

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

October 5, 2011-Volume 44: I Want to Hibernate

The Adventures of The Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 44:

I Feel Like Hibernating

With the change in the weather and the light, I have found that not only am I battling the sinus crud, but I am feeling like I just want to curl up in bed and sleep all the time.  It amazes me how a little nip in the air and a little more darkness can completely alter my energy level and somehow increase my need for chocolate.  Are we that tied to the seasons?  That is the focus of my blog this week.  But first……………

My WTF of the week is the fact that there are Christmas decorations on display in some stores.  I walked into a Lowe’s on September 30 to be greeted by the display of lit Christmas trees.  I had to blink to make sure this was not a visual hallucination.  What is going on? What happened to Halloween and Thanksgiving?  Do I need to be thinking about Christmas right now?  I have an odd theory about why the decorations are out early and it has to do with our economy. The decorations let us know that another crappy year is coming to an end and that the Holidays are the last fun blast before another year of a crap economy.  It also could signal that we need to start shopping now so that when we do have some extra money we remember to start buying some gifts. And lots of us are going to need that lead time. Although I must admit that the white tree did excite me, all the trees did is stress me out thinking about the Holidays, because let’s admit it, the Holidays are stressful. And I am not happy about being reminded of that in October.

This week I can’t get enough of looking at videos of people playing drum covers on YouTube.  My drum teacher gave me the task of figuring out how to play, wait for it, Paradise City by Guns N Roses.  After looking up the video on YouTube and listening to the song I decided to see if I could find others playing the drum part so I could just copy them-which I thought was a pretty slick idea on my part.  Lots of people like t0 play Guns N Roses, go figure, and I had no trouble locating hundreds of drum cover videos.  Here is where the fun started.  Some of the videos were good, but some were just comical.   And by comical I mean the people stank, but still thought they needed to make a video of themselves.  I really don’t get why anyone would put up a video of themselves playing drums in the first place. But more interestingly, why would you put up a video of yourself playing the drums badly so then people like me can laugh and make fun of you.  I guess I am glad that there is this type of content available because I have something to laugh about and mock and that is a good thing.  It also gives me hope that I can be a better drummer that the guys on YouTube.  So when I get good I am going to put in my long hair, wear hot pants and some tall boots and film myself plating drums.  Would be interesting to see how many views I get.

I really love the fall.  It is actually my favorite season of the year because of the colors of the leaves and the crispness of the air and the fact I really like pumpkin and can get lots of pumpkin baked goods in the fall. But the transition from the long, hot summer to the fall always kicks me in the butt.  Like clockwork I get my first cold of the season, which I had a few weeks ago. Then my sinuses go crazy and as soon as I have to turn the heat on my eyes dry out and I wake up with a headache until I come up with a humidifier strategy.  The darkness in the morning does not help either because it tells my body to get back in the bed and go back to sleep, which I would do if I did not have to get up and get my child ready for school.  Then I feel like I am dragging all day just trying to stay awake and somehow get some exercise. I am also really hungry as if my body is telling itself to fatten up for the winter.

I always find it interesting how much the change in seasons and weather and light can affect our energy, moods and eating habits.  I know it must be a biological leftover from hunter gatherer days. I have that sense of not wanting to start anything new, and my brain has slowed down in firing off good or creative ideas.  Now it just keeps telling me a need a pumpkin muffin and some coffee.  I am trying to come up with ways to stay motivated and active in these last months of the year.  So I have this crazy idea to start training for a sprint triathlon.  After finding out I can have spotters and possibly ride a tandem bike doing a sprint triathlon is now back on the table.  I can get training schedules to follow and this will give me the structure I need to stay active.  I am also focusing on getting better at the drums and playing a little bit every day.   And I am starting something new. I am going to take jazz and modern dance as a fall/winter activity.  On the work front I am considering moving forward with a radio show and will be offering some workshops and planning a January event.  With these plans and some structure and goals, I hope to drag myself kicking and screaming out of the sleep and eat mode.  I will let you know how it works. Maybe planning new things, setting shorter term goals and doing some things that have structure will work for others.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

  

September 21, 2011-Volume 43: Some People Really Suck

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 43: Some People Really Suck

Once again I find myself dealing with people that think they have the right to take advantage of me because I am somehow relying upon them.  In an unfortunate but ongoing theme in my life since the accident, people offer to help and then somehow punish me for it.  My musing on why this happens and my general intolerance for this behavior is the focus of this blog.  But first…………………….

My WTF of the week is that the flies are back with a vengeance and they seem smarter and quicker-kind of like super flies.  I thought I had won the battle of the flies as they were almost all gone, but when I returned from a weekend away, they were back and recently hatched--a smaller, faster version of the other flies.  They also seemed to have learned new tactics to avoid being pummeled by myself or my rolled up magazine wielding child.  Instead of landing on the glass planes they hide in the corners and up on the window sashes and they are superfast and have to be hit about three times before they perish.  My next move is flypaper which I will hang up in front of the windows.  Let’s see them try and avoid that.  I will provide an update on the fly situation in later blogs.

This week I can’t get enough of laser hair removal.  I have been watching for a Groupon for it for weeks and at the end of last week there it was-70% off laser hair removal.  I was able to purchase and have some gifted so that I got the deal for 6 rounds of treatment on two areas.  Being visually impaired means I can’t really tell how good of a job I am doing shaving and I have to go by feel which means it takes a lot longer.  So laser hair removal will make my life so much easier.  I am not at all worried about the pain because I was able to stand the epilator and the epidural wearing off at the beginning of the C-section stich up, so it should be a breeze.  I know others that have had the laser hair removal and say they have some light hair left and it is only 80% gone.  I am going for 100% gone so I can throw away my razor.  I expect to feel baby smooth.

Since my accident I have thought some (and others have thought more) about my safety. That is why I have a prop car in my driveway and use my alarm.  For me it is enough, while others think I need some additional items like pepper spray or a taser. While I admit hitting someone with a taser like in that scene in the Hangover does sound like good times, I have discovered that I should be more concerned about protecting myself from people that I actually know and purport to want to help me.  And I don’t think pepper spray can save me from your run of the mill jerks.

Recently someone who was picking us up for two rides a week said I was causing too much stress in their lives, even though they were late picking us up 75% of the time.  The one time we were a few minutes late was enough for me to be threatened that if it happened again they would no longer help us.  Of course I got someone else to take us the two mornings, mostly because I don’t respond well to threats.  This is not the first or the last time this will happen.  It began right after the accident when people actually were upset I was not at home when they came to drop off food, even though I had no idea they were coming.  The message from some people who offer to help is that I must be as accommodating as possible and not do anything wrong or I am cut off. 

I think some people that offer to help you do so because of guilt or because they want to make themselves feel better. And I do believe that some people are also not so great at assessing what they can and cannot do.  The end result of all these is the same-it feels stressful or not so good and I am to blame. I have no use for these people.  Either you authentically want to help and know what help you can provide or you just say you cannot help.  And if you offer to help and can’t do it, then have the guts and accountability to say it is not working out for you instead of blaming the person you are helping. 

I know that in the past being a busy single mom did not leave me much time to help others, but I always did what I could.  And I can say truthfully that if I knew a mom who lived 5 minutes away from me who could not drive and our kids went to the same school I would offer rides and it would be a no brainer.  But this has not worked out for me so my way of dealing with things is to pay people to drive me.  When I pay people they show up and don’t have nasty things to say to me and I like that. I recently decided to pay for a single driver to provide my rides.  I will figure out what I will have to give up to pay for it, but it is worth every penny. It means I am not beholden to anyone nor do I have to put up with people who take advantage of the fact I am vulnerable and relying on them.  

I don’t think I am negative about people in general. As I said last week- I am a realist.  And what I ask is that people own their stuff and are authentic. My advice, as someone who needs help, is to only offer help if you can do it for more than just a few times, if you can make it work without feeling put out or resentful, and if you are doing it because it is the right thing to do.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

September 14, 2011-Volume 42: Am I a Realist or Being Skeptical?

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 42: Am I a Realist or Being Skeptical?

In the past weeks I have begun to look at why I seem to not feel safe in any situation or with any person and how that feeling of being on somewhat shaky ground has at times worked to my benefit.  I am beginning to think it is the reason I take the risks I do and live in the moment as much as I can.  I may be a realist or maybe I am skeptical, but I believe that those are not bad things to be.  That is the focus of this blog.  But first……….

My WTF of the week is the fact that there are crazy people on Internet dating sites.  As many of you know, recently in Columbia a woman was killed by someone she met on an internet dating site.  When I heard about the incident, I read the news articles.  I quickly realized that the killer was one of my matches on EHarmony and one of the guys that e-mailed me.  He was actually one of the best looking guys and his profile looked good.  I can say that I may have gone out with him if I had not met someone else and he had pursued me.  The thought of that was extremely scary-that could have been me. I have heard other stories recently about people getting involved in dangerous situations with people they met online. As women and men we have to be so careful about the people we meet online.  What I learned from my EHellmony experience, as I have written about, is that people are not honest in how they present themselves and that means we need to do our homework and ask lots of questions and have dialogue via Internet and phone before going out on a date.  And we need to trust our instincts and look for red flags. Or maybe the Internet dating world is just too scary.

This week I can’t get enough of vintage clothing and my ideas for a cool photo shoot.  Recently I was in Charlotte where I purchased a few more 60’s dresses.  One is a long gold beaded dress that looks like something Ann Bancroft wore in “The Graduate”.  I am lucky that for some reason the vintage stuff fits.  When I go with people who have a large chest they say nothing fits them across it and nothing will button.  So in this case I am proud to be small in that area.  I got inspired to do a photo shoot after seeing a picture on the cover of a songbook from the 60’s that my boyfriend had for playing the trumpet.  On the cover was a woman in an awesome jumpsuit posing with a trumpet up in the air with others positioned around her feet-way cool.  So now me and my vintage dresses will be posing along with different musical instruments (and not in an American Pie “one time in band camp” way).  I now have a drum set and an electronic keyboard and he has a harmonica, trumpet, banjo and upright bass.  I am visualizing the hair, makeup and poses.   My goal is to have the pictures done for the Holidays.

Lately I have been thinking about the reasons I don’t feel safe or secure in any aspect of my life and how that feeling, which I commonly describe as “being on somewhat shaky ground”   manifests in my life.  The “why” of not feeling safe is because my life has been somewhat unpredictable and I now know that I can’t really know or count on what will happen next.  The result of not feeling safe has not been to go to a place of pessimism or learned helplessness, but to take risks and try new things.  My risk taking and willingness to try out anything has been amplified since my accident because in a sense that was the most unpredictable event that has ever taken place.  To me, if that crazy of a thing could happen and I can survive it, then there can’t be much else worse and if there is, I can survive that too.  Being on shaky ground also means I don’t get stuck.  That feeling of not being secure or safe, which is somewhat a feeling of fear, keeps me moving forward. Lastly, not feeling safe and knowing I have no idea what is coming leads me to stay in the present.  I live from moment to moment each day and am really present in those moments. I have found that being present is a good thing that helps me to be a good problem solver, listener and to appreciate what I have.  I still have some goals for the future as well as a mission that guides my life and values that help me make choices, but I now let the future unfold before me and instead of having expectations, like to be surprised by how things unfold.

In having this perspective I also feel I am somewhat a realist who is at the same time a little skeptical about what is in front of me.  I ask more questions, try not to make assumptions and have more patience and presence to really listen for the meaning behind the words or actions.  There is a book called The Five Agreements and the fifth, which the author added years after writing The Four Agreements, is to be skeptical, but learn to listen.  He says not to believe anything you tell yourself or that others tell you and look for the truth. Being skeptical is not being negative or pessimistic or lacking trust, it is just thinking realistically and analytically about the information. It is working for me because I am, having more authentic conversations, while learning more about myself and others.

In the final analysis I think that feeling safe is highly overrated. A little dose of fear and skepticism is a motivator to stay in the present moment, move forward and be excited about the process of life. What is coming next is always somewhat of a surprise.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

August 31, 2011-Volume 41: Tick, Tock the Biological Clock

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 41: Tick, Tock, the Biological Clock

This week I am somewhat fixated on the power of the biological clock and the influence it exerts over our decision making as we reach our 30’s.  I am wondering how the biological clock manifest itself in the 40’s, 50’s and beyond and if men have a biological clock.  That is the focus of this week’s blog.  But first………………….

My WTF of the week is the hugely bizarre dream I had the other night and how it related to my physical condition when I awoke. So the gist of this dream is that an alligator about 5 feet long bit my right ankle and would not let go. So I was limping around with this alligator clamped onto my leg, trying to find someone who could get it off.  Eventually they bring a stretcher but when they get there the alligator decides to let go and so they stitched up my leg.  The next morning when I woke up my right leg was swollen at the ankle and I had a dull pain. Once again I integrated what was happening with my body into a dream, albeit in an utterly bizarre way.  It is the same (and I hope this happens to other people) when you really have to go to the bathroom when you are sleeping and you dream you are on the john and it wakes you up just in time to go.  And interestingly I can see in all my dreams.  I am not visually impaired.  I have even had a few dreams where I get my sight back, but in the entirety of the dream I did have my sight.

This week I can’t get enough of new endeavors.  First, I bought am electronic drum set on EBay and I managed to win it without the use of ESnipe.  That was very satisfying.  I am awaiting my new drums and will certainly include a review of them in a later blog.  The cool thing is that this is my first purchase of a musical instrument and my first experience learning to play one.  I am also set to begin Tai Chi practice.  I did this because the practice focuses on centering, relaxation and stress reduction and balance-all this I really need.  It also gives you a better sense of your surroundings and teaches you to sense others without use of sight.  I also admittedly am interested in eventually wielding a sword and large stick in a weapons class, but that will be at least six months away.  In the interim it’s wax on, wax off.

 I am convinced the biological clock, at least for women, leads us to make decisions that are sometimes not completely rational or healthy.  For me that clock, at 33 when I finally decided that I would procreate, caused me to end a 6 year relationship with a person because I knew I did not want to have children with him.  With the clock ticking I set off, although not consciously, to find a good mating partner.  I even had a checklist.  And when I felt I had found someone who got through the checklist, I ran headlong into a relationship, engagement and marriage all within one year.  At 35 the tick was deafening and I was in a hurry.  I was not following my gut, exploring my true feelings or even taking the time to really see the other person.   Interestingly the big Ah Hah moment came when I was about 5 months pregnant.  Too late.  For others I have talked with the biological clock has led them to stay in long term relationships that they should have left because they were in their early to mid-thirties and had already invested years of time and did not want to start over. In the end we end up jumping into or staying in relationships that fulfill our need for making babies, but do not fulfill our needs or make us happy.  Some of us are now the divorced moms with young children and some are struggling to keep our marriages together.  It is amazing when I look back the decisions my brain made awash in hormones that told me to procreate.  My friends that did not want children did not seem to rush into or stay in relationships that were not right for them.

Now, in my 40’s, I am wondering how the biological clock works.  I do not want any more children, so I am beginning to think that the biological clock has just become a clock-the march of time.  And the biological clock, for those of us who chose to have children, is now also the mothering instinct where decisions are made in order to do what’s best for your child, but also, because of age and wisdom, what is right for you. For me, I think about the aspect of time in general, and what I want to spend the rest of my active years doing and with whom I want to share that with. Now, as I have spoken about before, the focus is on having a full and balanced life and a person to share and witness that life.  Maybe that is key as you realize that half your life is over and how many years you will have good health is an unknown.  

I also wonder how the biological clock works in men.  Do they seek about suitable mating partners at a certain phase of life?  Because men can procreate much longer I do notice that they are not as in a big of a hurry.  That seems liberating to me.  And how is the biological clock related to the mid-life crisis.  As Olympia Dukakis so eloquently puts it in the movie Moonstruck (one of my favorites of all time) it is because men fear death.  So it is the march of time, the loss of virility, the desire to be young.  As a woman, I am just guessing all this.  Really I have no clue what leads men to buy expensive toys and trade wives for younger models—unless they fear death and decrepitude and are trying to stop that clock that ages us and marches us toward the end of our lives on earth.

In the end I think the lesson is to learn from our past, figure out what is important to us and how we want to live our lives, and live life fully without fear and with no regrets.  Sounds like a plan.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock