April 27, 2011: Volume 27-The Breakup Blog

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 27

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8gBdeTAN4o&feature=player_detailpage

This week I am going deep and writing about something I have not really talked about in my blog.  You see, in July 2010 I had two traumatic events happen that forever altered my life.  One was my accident and loss of vision, which has somewhat been the focus of my writing.  The other was that three weeks before my accident I broke up with the person that I loved deeply.  You would think that the loss of my vision would be the more traumatic of the two and you would be wrong.  It was the loss of my love that has been the hardest from which to recover. And in this blog I will try to explain why.

I was with my boyfriend for 23 months.  On the day we decided to split he told me he was half in and half out of the relationship and that he did not think he could ever love me.  I told him that was not good enough for me and left. In those 23 months we actually had a great relationship and I, for the first time in my life, decided to go all in and fully love someone.  When I decided to do that, a few months into our relationship I had no clue that I had chosen to love a man who would never commit to me or love me back. There was no way I could have known that. So you could say that when we broke up I finally saw the truth about the fact we had no future. I woke up and saw the light, and three weeks later I was, ironically, blinded.

I decided to write about this after I ran into him this past weekend. Even though we live about 10 blocks from each other, I had managed to not run into him for exactly 7 months. But at the park, at this Easter egg hunt, with our children there, I could not avoid him, and really did not want to. So, I approached him and we talked.  What I immediately knew was that my feelings had not changed. When we talked it was as if nothing else was going on, like I was in a bubble.  Every neuron was firing and I could even sense when he was near me when we were separated–chemistry, electricity, energy, whatever it is, it is powerful.  To me the nervousness I felt in the pit of my stomach and the feeling all my hairs were standing up is a testament to how much I love him-a fact that will not change.  It is what it is, even though I may love another or several others in the future.  But our story is over.  I saw him at a park and I may or may never see him again.  Nothing has changed, because we do not want the same things. He does not love me or have room for me in his life and I am looking for something better than that. And we cannot be friends, because too much has happened between us and we cannot hold tight enough boundaries to not have a physical relationship.

All those feelings of love are tied into feelings of loss now and are impossible to separate.  They are a mass of powerful emotions.  In the grieving of the loss of him I have shed lots of tears. After seeing him I went home and cried. Many have asked the question –is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?  My answer is yes. To truly and fully love takes a huge amount of risk because you never know the outcome.  But to say that you have felt and can feel that kind of love is worth all the risk.  Especially when you manage to love and not lose yourself in the process. In that love I had many moments of bliss, unadulterated joy and unforgettable memories and I would not trade those for anything. And time is healing my wounds. I knew that the other day when I was able to be around him and carry on a normal conversation and not have a breakdown (the I need to get in the bed kind) afterward.

The loss of that relationship- of the person I loved has been harder than the loss of my vision because it is a situation I cannot control.  I have the capability and capacity to take the actions I need to adapt to my visual impairment and I do that on my own terms. I am somewhat in control of the outcome.  In the relationship I was not in control of how he felt about me and cannot change him or the fact he cannot love me.  And that is what makes it hard-the great romantic tragedy. That two people with tons of chemistry, things in common and caring who really saw and knew each other and who had a wonderful time together will never be together.          

What I have worked on and realized is that, even though I got burned, I am still open to love and want that as part of my life.  I, unlike him, am not willing to live out my days alone without a partner.  This does not mean I am desperate and need someone. I am in a place of choice where I am choosing to be open to finding a loving partner and companion.  And I will not settle. But to find that is not easy and I find myself being more cautious and less excited about new people. I am interested more in finding a person to relax and have a good time with, than looking for a person with which to share a lifetime.  So, almost 10 months later maybe I am not ready for big love or a serious commitment, but I hold on to hope that life is still full of surprises and maybe someone will surprise me.

I am one of the many who have suffered through a breakup. Who hasn’t? The key to moving on is to let go of the anger or resentment, take the time to grieve the loss, and leave the baggage of the old relationship behind. And in meeting new people keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your head clear. And remember that the other person is lucky to be with you and you deserve to be loved.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 20, 2011: Volume 26

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 26

Video Blog http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_ZhadIbMfE&feature=player_detailpage

This week I am focusing on my experience when I went on my first vacation with my daughter since my accident and how I managed to navigate Savannah and Tybee Island as a visually impaired person.   But first……………

My WTF of the week is the fact that I have been on the most bizarre dates of my life via EHellmony. But really, what else could I have expected. What I have learned is that somehow my physical presence is overwhelming and must be making these men act crazy.  Let’s just say I have had to be strong in my boundary setting and have a one date maximum. I am entirely through with internet dating and maybe dating in general.  Here are some pieces of advice I have for men who are Internet dating.  Do not tell your date your life story, why your past relationships went wrong or all your dysfunction on the first date. Although, I do appreciate this happened because I got to see all the red flags up front, so I could run like hell. When a person tells you that you are not getting any on the date, she really means it.  Lastly, do not say completely rude and stupid comments like “this date was really weird”, “I have two more dates lined up after this one” or “I am getting out of here a lot sooner than I thought I would” at the end of the date. My advice to women who are internet dating is just don’t do it and if you do be very careful because there are some desperate and weird guys out there.   Other WTF’s is that for 9 days I was feeding my cats’ dog food.  Someone, who shall remain nameless, was supposed to get dry cat food for me. I did wonder why the chunks were so big and why the cats seemed so annoyed with me. A friend solved the mystery by looking at the bag, which contained a large picture of a dog. Also my cat has cataracts which are not only aptly named but also explains why she sometimes walks into walls. Bruni, I feel your pain.

This week I can’t get enough of rock climbing.  Last week I climbed up two walls at the rock climbing gym and it was one of the coolest things I have ever tried. The harness did remind me of an adult diaper and the climbing shoes are really unattractive, but the experience is unparalleled.  First, because I was belayed and I can’t see down past about 10 feet I found I was not at all afraid, and was completely focused on how I was going to get up the wall.  I found that I could see some of the foot and hand holds, but not all of them, so I got some direction when I needed it.  Climbing, while physically somewhat challenging, is really a feat of strategy where you are focused on where to place your legs and hands to make your next move.  It is kind of like playing a game of chess.  It has nothing to do with speed and everything to do with strategic thinking and the ability to take a few risks.  I found climbing to be somewhat easy, because I am good at planning and I do take risks, but also because, as the belayer told me, I am an ectomorph with long limbs which is a good thing to be if you are a woman climbing up a wall.  I spider womaned my way up two walls and even transferred walls without breaking a sweat and did some interesting hand holds.  I was so exhilarated to get to the top and loved being dropped down.  The belayer said I was a natural at climbing and climbed like someone who had been climbing for weeks (although he may say that to all the girls). I rocked it for a first time climber and the rush was so good that I know it is something I am going to try and do at least a few times a month.  I am also going to begin climbing outdoors when I get stronger and more skilled and when I build more calluses on my fingers.  If you have not climbed up a wall or some rock formation, I totally suggest doing it. 

For spring break my mom, daughter and I headed down to Tybee Island and Savannah for a four day vacation. This was the first time I had been on vacation since the accident and I was not sure how well I would navigate, I chose Savannah because I have been there 3 times in the last 9 years and am somewhat familiar with the layout and landmarks.  I had not been to the beach so I was interested in seeing how much of the ocean I could see.  First what I found was that I was fine on the beach.  The ocean, being really large is pretty easy to see and I could also step in and out of pools and read the markers on the sides with the depth.  What I could not do was immediately locate the path to the beach at the resort we were at because you had to walk through a pool area.   I also ran on the beach and found I had enough vision to not run into people, objects or step in holes.  I could only do this when the sun was high in the sky because when the sun was rising or setting there was too much glare off the water and I could not see anything, except those few small children I almost ran over and a few sand castles I inadvertently destroyed. 

What was harder to deal with was Savannah and more importantly the fact that my mom continually forgot that I was visually impaired.  She decided to rely on me to navigate us around Savannah and did not bother to orient herself by using a map.  The blind girl was supposed to have a visual map in her head and also push a stroller with a 5 year old, cross tons of streets, and find places to eat and get cupcakes.  I had suggested to my mom that we take the trolley and get on and off at the landmarks and attractions, but she did not want to do this. Problem was she was having foot issues and when she learned it was about 7 blocks from City Market to Forsythe Park decided she would not be able to walk that far.  This is when I explained that Savannah is a walking city and if she could not walk we were going back to Tybee.  But she insisted she could make it so we pressed on, really slowly.  Little did I know I was supposed to be the tour guide, identifying churches, squares and important historical landmarks, which was impossible since I could not really see them or read the signs.  After about the third time I was asked what church is that or is this the Mercer House I not so calmly said to my mom, “what part of ne being blind do you not get”. I managed to get us parked and to City Market and AT Hun to check out the art and find some of my favorite artists in their studio spaces.  My daughter is quite the art critic.  She systematically pulled out prints and decided if she liked them or not. She had a particular fondness for a painter who painted belly and burlesque dancers- great.   She also got to watch several painters painting and after she told then she wanted to be an artist she had them eating out of her hand and they explained to her what and how they were painting.  I got to talk with a few about how I experience art now that I am visually impaired and that I respond more to multi-media, texture and color because of my inability to see detail. I haggled with my favorite Savannah artist, Brian Macgregor, on whether he would one day sell me the painting of a print I have, which happens to be the only original he will not part with.  Just my luck.

I navigated us to stores I liked, found the cupcake shop, got us to the Six Pence Pub to eat and took us through squares and by churches and made it to Forsythe Park and the playground there.  We also managed to make it back to where the car was parked, and not because of my mom, who actually went to the wrong lot, but because of me who found the car. 

I think I did pretty well as a visually impaired traveler with and gimpy mom with no sense of direction and a five year old child who was in and out of the stroller all day.  But at the end of the day I was completely exhausted and frustrated.  It took every ounce of concentration and focus I had to make it all work. What I learned is that I can travel in a city I know, but I am going to need some help in places where I have never been. But that is not going to stop me because I want my daughter to be able to experience new places. There will be another vacation over the summer and in the coming years a DC and NYC trip.  In the future I will have someone with us who can assist with navigation so I can enjoy myself.      

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 13, 2011-Volume 25

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 25

This week I want to write about my grandmothers. Last week my paternal grandmother had a massive stroke and passed away at the age of 85. She left 12 children (no twins and yes, Catholic), 24 grandchildren and 21 great-grandchildren.  A few months ago, my maternal grandmother had to be placed in a nursing home where her body and her mind are failing her.  The way they lived their lives and how they ended or are ending them are vastly different and it has made me think about my legacy, how I want to leave this planet and what is really important in between.

I grew up as a distant member of my father’s family, who were grouped in South Carolina while I was in Florida. When I moved to South Carolina as an adult I was so involved in graduate school and work that I did not take the time or really know how to become part of that family again. In general, having independence and separation from family was a survival mechanism and it worked to keep me focused and successful. And I am not sure if I would have known how to do it any differently given who I was then. After my accident my grandmother and members of the family really stepped up to help me and for that I am greatly appreciative. My dad’s family, which is full of interesting personalities, is a close knit group who support each other. And they are funny, real and are great story tellers. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate in their world, because I am missing a large part of their history and now that I am legally blind I have no clue who anyone is when they are gathered in large groups like at the funeral. They kind of all look alike to me.

My grandmother was a gentle, laid back and genuinely good hearted and loving person who seemed unflappable in the face of the chaos of raising a huge family. To me she seemed genuine and steady and a person who truly enjoyed life. I wish I would have known her better. She was in good health when she died and was active. People kept saying that if you have to die to die that way, when you feel no pain, is the way to go and is a blessing for both the person and the family, who does not have to experience a deteriorating condition or one that causes pain. What is left however is the shock of a person being there one day and then not being there the next.  When that person is the matriarch of a huge family it leaves a void that will never be filled.

I grew up with my maternal grandmother, who was like a second mother to me. She was always there for us. As she grew older she became sadder and sadder and found no joy in her life.  My mother’s family is small as she is an only child and there is only one aunt left. And my sister and I each only had one child. My grandmother has dementia and can no longer walk. She has periods of lucidity and in that lucidity she is angry and wants her life to be over.  The burden of her care falls on my mother, as the only child, who is not only exhausted but is having to watch her mother slip into that place of oblivion where soon she will not know her. The difference between having a very small family and a very large one is magnified when family members age and begin the process of dying.  That is when you recognize how much support is needed to care for those getting older and sicker.

The way my paternal grandmother lived the end of her life and how my maternal grandmother is living her final years is so different that it makes me wonder why some people suffer at the end, with chronic disease that robs them of function and why others die and quick and painless death. Does it have to do with how we live our lives?  If I am a good person do I get to have a painless death?  I think the answer is no.  We all know that good things happened to bad people and bad things happen to good people.  So, good people can have long, drawn out and painful deaths or they can die peacefully in their sleep. Life is not fair, so why should death be? I am not sure what this means or what we are supposed to learn from all this, but here is what I have learned.

I think what is important is to find joy in your life, to be good to others and treat them as you would like to be treated, to forgive as much as you can and to not squander what opportunities life brings you.  And to find your way through or around the difficulties and chaos life brings, looking for how to grow and learn as you go.  What is also important is how you face your own death. How do you use the time left when you know that it is coming or how you live each day fully because you don’t know when it is coming. And what is important for families is how they deal with the dying and death of family members. Does it bring them together or break them apart. In the end it is about the ability to celebrate a life that was, hopefully well lived and to come together as a family to do that with both sadness and joy.

So I celebrate the lives of my grandmothers, children of the depression who did not have easy lives. And for now I think about living life fully with no regrets and trying to be a better member of my family and figuring out what that means.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 6, 2011-Volume 24

The Adventures of The Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 24

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0F9fsgzO18&feature=player_detailpage

This week I am talking about people who live their life outside the box and how I find them to be generally happy people who make conscious choices to live differently and have no apologies for it. These are the people I tend to feel the most comfortable with and I am exploring why.  But first……………

My WTF of the week is why people love my long hair. I have had many people comment that they like the long hair much better than my short hair. Why are they telling me this now when I have had my hair shorter for years? All this time I thought people liked my hair. Problem is that my hair won’t look that full if I grow it out and I really don’t want to put the extensions in every day.  Friends tell me the hair makes me look softer and more relaxed, as well as younger, and that the short hair looks more serious and professional. I know that when I wear my hair long I do feel sexier.  Now I get the mullet concept of business in the front and party in the back, but I don’t think sporting a mullet is a good choice.  Maybe I could wear long hair out in the evenings and sport the short hair the rest of the time.  I also think that if I meet someone out at some point I am going to have to be honest about the hair.  Between that and the VS super miraculous bra it is like selling false goods.  And you kind of don’t want there to be any surprises. I wonder what I would think if a guy wore a man girdle and stuffed his pants.  I would not be too happy about that. I am so glad I am a woman and get to do the hair and bra and makeup. I could just think of it as putting the bow on a decent looking package.

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that my two favorite shows, House and Gray’s Anatomy, both did musical episodes this year. I am calling it the “Glee effect” and I like it.  The interesting thing is that both episodes wrung me out emotionally. The House episode had its musical number as part of dream sequences and they looked like they had been directed by Baz Luhrmann (Strictly Ballroom, Moulin Rouge). But I got to see Hugh Laurie do the singing and dancing thing and men got to see Lisa Edelstein scantily clad.  As a side note my dad thought that seeing her like this was also a good thing, so I informed him that she “swam in the lady pool” (the new Bravo term for lesbian), and has a long tern partner.  He was shocked to learn this.  So the end of the episode is that Cuddy dumps House because she finds out he has to go back on Vicadin to be able to be emotionally available and be with her as she went through surgery.  The whole thing was a huge romantic tragedy (I know because I have been involved in one of those-I think I even said most of what she said to him at the end of the episode) , but the Broadway like scenes were cool.  I must also say I was blown away by the Gray’s Anatomy music event episode last week.  Who knew so many of the actors could sing and the songs they chose were awesome.  I must say I was tearing up during parts of the episode, but during the scene when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she breaks down and says why the universe is so mean and why is this happening I was in the ugly cry.  That one hit very close to home.  The next day I downloaded the CD with the songs and have been singing them since.   And I, of course can’t get enough of the fact that my Top Chef crush, Richard Blais, took home the win. Told you so. 

This past weekend I went to Charlotte and I had a great evening meeting new people and spending time with old friends, and hanging out at The Evening Muse. After the bar had closed we sat around and had a conversation that ranged from films that will mess you up (The human Centipede-look it up) to what aliens did to people when they came to earth, to the night of 1000 Stevie Nicks (where most were drag queens) to tapping and how it is done and NPR podcasts like The Moth and The Splendid Table.   What was really cool was that this particular assortment of people had all made bold and interesting choices in their lives.  Some had overcome messed up pasts and current challenges to live lives that were happy and full.  There was one couple who decided to buy a unicycle and learn to walk a tightrope, so they strung up a line about a foot off the ground across their backyard to practice. I learned that you get a great core workout from both. The guy in the couple had spent that day doing Parkouur or Urban Jumping (look it up) and had a gash on his finger from his endeavors. Another guy’s son just left Boeing to go to Circus school to become a trapeze artist which led to a discussion about clown school.  I also met a guy who is a super talented musician who makes t-shirts out of his house.  Their adventures made my voice lessons, salsa and rock climbing sound tame, so I thought maybe I could juggle and I am going back to Charlotte to Zen walk that slack line across the yard.

What was important is not only that everyone was happy living simply and doing what they enjoyed, but also that they were very present and enjoying the moment. There was no discussion about work or material goods or future plans, even what people were doing the next week. It was storytelling and sharing experiences and laughing over shared interests (like how much some of us loved the Princess Bride and if Liz Phair rocked more than Courtney Love).  And the people I met were intelligent and interested and involved in the world.  They understand that who you are is not defined by what you do or what you possess.  And they have the guts to make choices that are outside the so called norm.  I admire them and I think I am working toward having the freedom to be able to make those choices. My accident somehow gave me that freedom and the desire to do the things I always wanted to do.  Authenticity is an important thing to me and I find people who find joy in their lives while being real about their struggles to be authentic.  I will hang with those people any day.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock