August 31, 2011-Volume 41: Tick, Tock the Biological Clock

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 41: Tick, Tock, the Biological Clock

This week I am somewhat fixated on the power of the biological clock and the influence it exerts over our decision making as we reach our 30’s.  I am wondering how the biological clock manifest itself in the 40’s, 50’s and beyond and if men have a biological clock.  That is the focus of this week’s blog.  But first………………….

My WTF of the week is the hugely bizarre dream I had the other night and how it related to my physical condition when I awoke. So the gist of this dream is that an alligator about 5 feet long bit my right ankle and would not let go. So I was limping around with this alligator clamped onto my leg, trying to find someone who could get it off.  Eventually they bring a stretcher but when they get there the alligator decides to let go and so they stitched up my leg.  The next morning when I woke up my right leg was swollen at the ankle and I had a dull pain. Once again I integrated what was happening with my body into a dream, albeit in an utterly bizarre way.  It is the same (and I hope this happens to other people) when you really have to go to the bathroom when you are sleeping and you dream you are on the john and it wakes you up just in time to go.  And interestingly I can see in all my dreams.  I am not visually impaired.  I have even had a few dreams where I get my sight back, but in the entirety of the dream I did have my sight.

This week I can’t get enough of new endeavors.  First, I bought am electronic drum set on EBay and I managed to win it without the use of ESnipe.  That was very satisfying.  I am awaiting my new drums and will certainly include a review of them in a later blog.  The cool thing is that this is my first purchase of a musical instrument and my first experience learning to play one.  I am also set to begin Tai Chi practice.  I did this because the practice focuses on centering, relaxation and stress reduction and balance-all this I really need.  It also gives you a better sense of your surroundings and teaches you to sense others without use of sight.  I also admittedly am interested in eventually wielding a sword and large stick in a weapons class, but that will be at least six months away.  In the interim it’s wax on, wax off.

 I am convinced the biological clock, at least for women, leads us to make decisions that are sometimes not completely rational or healthy.  For me that clock, at 33 when I finally decided that I would procreate, caused me to end a 6 year relationship with a person because I knew I did not want to have children with him.  With the clock ticking I set off, although not consciously, to find a good mating partner.  I even had a checklist.  And when I felt I had found someone who got through the checklist, I ran headlong into a relationship, engagement and marriage all within one year.  At 35 the tick was deafening and I was in a hurry.  I was not following my gut, exploring my true feelings or even taking the time to really see the other person.   Interestingly the big Ah Hah moment came when I was about 5 months pregnant.  Too late.  For others I have talked with the biological clock has led them to stay in long term relationships that they should have left because they were in their early to mid-thirties and had already invested years of time and did not want to start over. In the end we end up jumping into or staying in relationships that fulfill our need for making babies, but do not fulfill our needs or make us happy.  Some of us are now the divorced moms with young children and some are struggling to keep our marriages together.  It is amazing when I look back the decisions my brain made awash in hormones that told me to procreate.  My friends that did not want children did not seem to rush into or stay in relationships that were not right for them.

Now, in my 40’s, I am wondering how the biological clock works.  I do not want any more children, so I am beginning to think that the biological clock has just become a clock-the march of time.  And the biological clock, for those of us who chose to have children, is now also the mothering instinct where decisions are made in order to do what’s best for your child, but also, because of age and wisdom, what is right for you. For me, I think about the aspect of time in general, and what I want to spend the rest of my active years doing and with whom I want to share that with. Now, as I have spoken about before, the focus is on having a full and balanced life and a person to share and witness that life.  Maybe that is key as you realize that half your life is over and how many years you will have good health is an unknown.  

I also wonder how the biological clock works in men.  Do they seek about suitable mating partners at a certain phase of life?  Because men can procreate much longer I do notice that they are not as in a big of a hurry.  That seems liberating to me.  And how is the biological clock related to the mid-life crisis.  As Olympia Dukakis so eloquently puts it in the movie Moonstruck (one of my favorites of all time) it is because men fear death.  So it is the march of time, the loss of virility, the desire to be young.  As a woman, I am just guessing all this.  Really I have no clue what leads men to buy expensive toys and trade wives for younger models—unless they fear death and decrepitude and are trying to stop that clock that ages us and marches us toward the end of our lives on earth.

In the end I think the lesson is to learn from our past, figure out what is important to us and how we want to live our lives, and live life fully without fear and with no regrets.  Sounds like a plan.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

August 24, 2011- Volume 40: The Big Weight Gain

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 40:  The Big Weight Gain

In the last three months almost 10 pounds has jumped on my body and about this I am dismayed.  The interesting thing is that I am about the same weight now as I was before the accident, but now that weight is too much for me.  When you have been able to slide on a size zero, why is it so hard to accept that you are almost a size four?  That is the focus of this blog.  But first……………

My WTF of the week is the fact that I was recently blamed for all that has happened to me, including the custody battle and ongoing unwillingness of my ex to co-parent in any way and his general unapologetic attitude toward me, on the fact that a week before my accident I had to call the police.  I did this because said ex tried to back out of the driveway twice with me half in the car trying to calm down my child. This was the culmination of escalating anger toward me which also led him to chuck a set of keys at my face.  All this is part of public record in my affidavit in my custody case, so I have no problem saying it again here.  What I do have a problem with is yet another instance of blaming the victim and the tolerance some have for emotional and physical violence---shame on them.

This week I can’t get enough of this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.  There is really nothing better on television.  The great thing is that I get lots of good one-liners and new terms from the show.  I am particularly fond of the Chat and Cut. This is when you are in a line and someone you do not really know comes up to talk to you and then inserts themselves into the line.  Not only have I observed this, but I have done it myself.  Now I have a name to call the technique.  Another favorite is the term “social assassin”.  In this episode people keep asking Larry to talk to their loved ones about things that bother them because he has no problem saying exactly what he feels.  He tells a man’s wife to stop saying LOL and Susie to stop smacking and saying “aaaah” after she drinks.  Everything turns out badly because the women suspect their husbands have put Larry up to this.  So he botched the hits.  I think I could maybe be a social assassin because I do tell it like it is. 

This week I know I am going to annoy some people by talking about my weight gain. After my accident I dropped down to under 130 and at one point was 124 pounds. I was eating normally and not trying to lose weight and was eating what I wanted.  I admit at 124 pounds and in a size 0, I looked too thin and many commented that looked emaciated or that my face was too drawn.  Around that time I had a conversation with a friend who was also trying to put on some weight and we decided that it is almost verboten to discuss the issue that you are too small and trying to put on weight around other women.  You get the glare. So I am probably going to get the “quit ur bitchin” reaction when I complain that I have gained about 10 pounds in the last three months.  With no change to my diet and exercising 4 to 5 times a week, my body, who seems to have a mind of its own, decided I was just too darn small and starting holding weight. I was OK with this about 6 pounds ago, but I am no longer OK with it and my weight keeps ticking up.

So, now I am really watching what I eat and stepping up the cardio because my size 2’s will barely fit.  But at the same time I am asking myself-what is so bad about being a size 4 again.  There was a time in my life, when I was a size 10, that I thought I could never, ever be a size 4 and now it seems too big.  Maybe the weight and size thing is all relative and it’s the fact I have gone up almost two sizes and gained weight that is the issue.  

I do not want to be a size 2 because someone is pressuring me or I want to look like a Hollywood actress or I think men like smaller women.  It is for none of those reasons. It is for practical reasons like I want to fit into the newer clothes I bought last fall and this spring and I just feel good about how my body looks about 6 to 8 pounds ago.  The interesting thing is that I am not willing to put tons of effort into the weight loss other than making small changes like not eating after 8pm and eating smaller meals and the increased cardio.  I am not going on any diet or giving up chocolate-to me that is just nuts. I need chocolate to function normally and maintain peace in my home.

I think what I have learned is that you have to feel comfortable with your body no matter what you weigh. And what different women feel comfortable with is going to vary.  I think now that I have seen my body at a size 2 I realized that is the way I am most comfortable.  If I would have never lost the weight I would probably be really happy to be a size 4 or 6.  But that is not what happened. So wish me luck or curse my name as I attempt to drop about 6 or 7 pounds.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

August 17, 2011-Volume 39: Testing My Limits

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 39:  Testing My Limits

Last week I hiked for the first time since my accident and after getting up a fairly steep climb I realized I was going to have an extremely difficult time getting back down.  What it made me realize is that I am constantly testing the limits of what I can and cannot do and often I don’t know where those limits are until I am in the situation.  That is the focus of this week’s blog.  But first………………..

My WTF of the week is the fact that my house is infested with house flies.  I have no clue where they came from, but only know that they can reproduce quickly.  Because I sometimes cannot see those pesky insects I don’t think I realized the scope of the problem until one morning when I went into the kitchen and heard a loud buzzing sound which obviously was coming from a large gaggle, murder, swarm or whatever you call a whole hell of a lot of flies. I attempted to catch them with honey because I had heard the expression, “it’s like catching flies with honey”.  I don’t know who coined that phrase but they were not that clever because I caught 0 flies.  I did not make a whole lot of effort to kill them. I kept opening the door and asking them to leave while waving my hand in the appropriate direction, and sometimes I wacked at them with a flip flop.  But, after a few people commented that I seemed to have a fly issue I felt I needed to do something.  So I sent my boyfriend after them with a folded up OK magazine. Since I can no longer keep up with entertainment news I figured the magazine would be good for something.  He had a technique for fly killing that involved an in depth understanding of how a fly moves when approached, i.e., it moves backward and directly into the path of killing he had crated.  He managed to kill about 30 flies. Then my daughter wanted to get in on the fly killing action and he taught her the techniques.  Turns out she is a relentless fly killer.  She just went after them--whacking them over and over while making karate like noises.  Then I got in on it and found the killing very satisfying and a great way to release anger.  In total about 60 flies have lost their lives in my house, but there are more, so every day I engage in a few rounds of swat the flies.  I don’t condone taking lives.  I usually try and save the creatures desperately trapped inside my home.  But the flies must go and so the killing continues. 

This week I can’t get enough of my new wig.  After my success with hair extensions I decided it would be great fun to try on some wigs.  They have a great wig shop in Asheville, so while I was there I decided to go in and look at the wigs just for the hell of it.  Next thing I know I am trying on 6 different wigs, all long, and of various colors and cuts (including one I called the Kat Von D).  The first wig I picked up off the shelf and tried on was a blonde wig and in a huge shocker none of the wigs after compared.  I even got compliments from others in the store about how natural it looked.  So the wig is super long with layers, down almost to the waist in the back and has bangs. And of course it is completely age appropriate.  When I showed my daughter the wig and decided to go to the store with it on she decided that I should pretend like I was the “very younger sister” of mommy and she named me Pia and decided to name my boyfriend Toter.  So Pia, Toter and their niece went to the mall and grocery store.  My daughter also instructed us that we had to adopt new voices to go with our new personas so I decided to do an 80’s valley girl/Clueless voice and Toter somehow sounded like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade.  So what I discovered is blondes get more attention from guys.  I had on no makeup and workout clothes and still got some pretty serious stares.  With my extensions (and from the Millionaire Matchmaker), I had already learned that guys like long hair. Now I know that it is true that Gentlemen prefer blondes.  Think of what I could do with makeup, a good outfit, the wig and my miracle bra.  World domination could be possible. As long as I don’t adopt the Pia persona.

There were two things that I had not done since my accident that I tried out on my recent vacation in the mountains; kayaking and hiking.  I own a kayak and had gone down the river some before the accident and really liked it.  So when I ended up at Lake Lure I decided it was time to kayak again.  I chose a two person kayak just in case I could not navigate and we went around the lake for two hours.  What I learned is that kayaking on the lake was no problem and as long as I was following someone else I would have even been fine alone.  The only problem is that I could not have made it back to the dock where we started if I would have been alone and gotten lost.  But since that is unlikely in a kayaking situation, especially on a river, I think I will be doing more kayaking in the future.

Hiking was another story.  I had some problems finding the trail heads and once in had to concentrate to see the trail markers.  So hiking alone, unless I am on a very familiar trail, is not a great idea.  Going up was not a problem at all on somewhat of a steep climb with some stairs but about three-fourths of the way up to the lookout point I looked back down the trail and realized I was going to have a tough time getting down. Going down a mountain had never been easy for me admittedly because I am a huge klutz with little balance. So, when you add visually impaired and no perception of depth it seems as if a fall was inevitable.  I was actually angry at myself for not realizing sooner that I was going to struggle to get back down, even though I know going down steps is almost three times as hard as getting up them. But for some reason I did not think this applied to trails in the mountains. I got back down, slowly and with only a few near falls, but it took every ounce of concentration I had.  What I learned is that I would have probably been OK on less steeper trails, but the more challenging ones, at least for now, are not an option.

What these experiences made me think about is that I really have no clue what I can and cannot do until I actually do them.  There is no way to predict whether I can handle myself or not or whether it will be risky or not.  So I tend to live my life testing my limits and most of the time I go into things with the attitude of “I can probably find a way to pull this off”.  And when I don’t, which is actually rare, I don’t get too disappointed, because I figure I can just do it when I get my sight back.  I have tried more new things and challenged myself more as a visually impaired person than I did as a sighted person and in a way I take more risks.  Living this way is really freeing and there is not much fear associated with new challenges, only the excitement of doing them. Testing your limits and not thinking about things, just doing them, is a way that everyone can choose to live. I have learned that it is true that all options are open and the only way to know if you can do something is to just do it with a positive attitude, giving it your best.  So that is what I will continue to do-test the limits and challenge myself every day.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

August 3, 2011- Volume 38: It's a Cruel Summer

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 38: It’s a Cruel Summer

This summer has been so challenging.  My daughter is going through a very rough patch and that has consumed most of my energy and my boyfriend’s mom has been in the hospital three times and is finally settled at a rehab center.    And the heat is unbearable as are my sinus problems.  I know I am bitching, but I can’t wait for this summer to be over and that is the focus of the blog.  But First…………….

My WTF of the week is the fact I pulled my back out of alignment trying to pick up my child during a temper tantrum (hers). My whole left side seized up so I went to get a massage.  For the first time ever the masseuse told me that my spine was off in two places and it felt like I was twisted and that I needed to see a chiropractor.  SO I called my friend Shelly who is a chiropractor and I am getting adjusted this week.  I am not sure if I will come out of there less twisted, but I sure hope my spine is aligned.

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I can still ride a bike on my own.  This past weekend I took the bike off the trainer and rode a few miles around the neighborhood, following my boyfriend so I did not run into anything.  But I did do a loop on my own.  What I found is that without a visual point of reference it is hard to stay in a straight line. I was all over the place at first.  But when I picked a point to track with a bike in front of me I did a little better.  I will say that riding the bike on my own is not an option, but I can ride with a partner and that is pretty cool.  We also bought a tandem and are working on it.  It is going to have an awesome color scheme.

This summer has been very stressful.  There were health and medical issues that arose in June with my boyfriend’s mom and about the same time my daughter started having temper tantrums which have not stopped and have intensified over the summer (yes my super cute and endearing child has tantrums of epic proportions).  I feel I have done the best I can dealing with it because I check things out with my friends who are therapists and between that and my background I have the tools I need.  What I have found is that it takes every ounce of energy to employ those tools and to stay calm.  I will admit that I have locked myself in a room a few times and screamed and I have been hitting the punching bag more often.  I can say that I now see how some people lose control and spank or hit their kids.  And I appreciate all the patience it takes not to do that, especially when you are in hour three of the tantrum. If I drank I would have resorted to that by now.

My child is angry and that anger has little to do with me, I am just the safe target.  But I have to keep reminding myself of that so I don’t end of thinking I am a terrible parent. The truth is that I do the best I can and I do OK. If I start doubting my parenting it will not serve my child well. Believing you are doing and saying the right things to keep your child safe and stable is half the battle. Being consistent is the other half.  Parenting is not at all easy if you are doing it well.  Like a marriage or a relationship, it takes work.  Luckily I am a hard worker. And I am so glad I waited until my late 30’s to have a child, because I think I am a better parent because of wisdom and patience. I don’t think I had those 10 years ago.

I also know that parenting is a full time job and when your child is having a rough time your work and own life become secondary.  I have not focused on work much this summer because I have not been able to and I don’t feel bad or guilty about it because work is just work but helping your child is life. And I have not focused much on myself until recently when my body started breaking down because of the stress.  I need to be healthy to get through this so I am taking more breaks and getting more rest.

I know I am not the only parent that is sooooo ready for school to start.  And I am sure that I am not the only parent who needs a break from their child, which I am getting next week while she is at the beach with her dad.  So I and the blog will be on hiatus next week.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock