October 26, 2011-Volume 47: Things That Scare Me

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 47: Things that Scare Me

In honor of Halloween, I have decided to talk about the things that terrify, scare or otherwise freak me out.  Interestingly the list is not that long.  But First……………….

My WTF of the week is the fact that when I went to pick up my blind person of the year award it was a certificate in a frame so I could not read most of it. What I could read was that the name on this award was wrong.  The award was for Lisa Medlock. So I said, it looks great, but that is not my name.  I know I should be grateful and not complain at all.  But the fact is that my case manager who also won an award for me being the most awesome blind person, did not even realize my name was not Lisa. So, they were apologetic and are going to fix the name. I still cannot read most of what the certificate says without my magnifier glasses.  It is baffling they give the blind a visual award. Rather strange to me.

This week I cannot get enough of me and my daughter’s Halloween costumes.  We debuted these costumes at Boo at the Zoo a few days ago (see picture). Sadie picked out these costumes and did a fabulous job.  She is Super Girl and I am Wonder Woman. Sadie looked totally cute as usual and was very excited that, according to her, the Super Girl costume could actually make you fly.  I rocked the Wonder Woman costume with confidence and I really think the Lynda Carter wig completed the look.  I managed to come up with a way to even fill out the top of the costume.  My boyfriend, who did careful research on Wonder Woman and seems to have an uncanny memory of her costume, reminded me that she actually wore boy shorts that were padded in the back to increase the junk in the trunk.  All the Wonder Woman costumes had a skirt, but I would have worn the boy shorts (although no padding would be needed).  My daughter asked me what Wonder Woman talked like, but I could not remember because there did not seem to be much dialogue involved.  There was just a lot of running. A friend and I decided this was a definite precursor to Baywatch. Here is the reaction at the zoo—Wow, there is Wonder Woman and Super Girl.  Since I can’t tell if people are looking at me, especially at bight I checked in with my friend who said, “You are getting some looks from the middle aged men and teenage girls”.  And I was the only mommy dressed up as Wonder Woman.  I think Halloween is a perfect time to dress up in totally inappropriate costumes and as long as you are wearing a wig you cannot be identified.  I still need to obtain the lasso of truth and obedience I can use that on Halloween night to score lots of candy.  My line will be-unhand that chocolate.

So, I admit to having some strange fears.  Some of these have always been there and others have developed over time.  The list is in no particular order.

1)    Clowns- There is something totally unnatural about clowns. I think my fear of them was heightened by that scène is Poltergeist where that clown doll tries to drag the boy under the bed. Man that was terrifying.

2)    Snakes- I don’t like their skin or the fact they slither. I am so horrified by them I can’t even look at them on TV. One tine when I was lying out in my backyard as a teen, one slithered over my legs and I jumped up and tried to run back in the house so fast that I forgot to open the sliding glass door and banged into it. I never went in the backyard again.

3)    Porcelain dolls-The way they stare at you and the whiteness of their faces makes them seem preternatural. They also are supposed to look like children but have these adult like faces. That Chucky doll movie did me in-a doll with an evil look killing people-it’s just too much.

4)    Throwing up- I have a tremendous aversion to vomiting and will do anything and everything not to throw up, even though I know it will make me feel better.  I will force down crackers and ginger ale and Pepto so I don’t get sick.  If I do end up throwing up I start crying like a baby because it is so aversive to me.

5)    Rides that spin in a circle- The teacup rides are rides of horror.  Anything that spins me around in a circle makes me horribly sick. I can’t even walk when I get off the ride. I can do roller coasters, drop zones and even would bungee, but the teacup ride scares the heck out of me.

6)    Any movie that has to do with being possessed by the Devil- This could be a Catholic girl thing, but I have never been able to watch more than 20 minutes of the Exorcist without losing it.  Even the music freaks me out.  And The Omen was terrifying, as was Rosemary’s Baby.  I had nightmares for weeks after that one. There is something about evil or the devil possessing someone that I just can’t handle.

Of course I have normal fears too, like something happening to my child or someone I love or my house burning down with all my stuff in it or drowning.  But there are lots of things I don’t really fear or think about, like death or getting sick or having no money. For some reason, those things don’t really bother me.  I am thankful that I don’t have fears that hold me back, like a fear or failing or making mistakes or looking stupid. I have done those things plenty of times.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

October 19, 2011-Volume 46: What Else Should I Write, I Don't Have the Right

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 46: What Else Should I Write, I Don’t Have the Right

For the past few weeks I have been wondering why I am still blogging, if anyone is reading it, or if it is even important that anyone is reading it. I wonder when or if I will run out of things to say or if my experiences have become so normalized they no longer have to do with my visual impairment.  But then………………

My WTF of the week is the experience I had trying to put in and take out a contact lens.  You may and should be wondering why I am even using a contact lens. A doctor came up with a plan to try and make my blown pupil smaller by using a non-prescription colored lens (the don’t it make my brown eyes blue kind). That way there is not as much light pouring in so I get less flashing and maybe a little less light distortion. What seemed like a good plan quickly went awry. First of all the contact made my eye two shades darker than my other eye and was noticeable, according to witnesses. Most people did not notice one pupil was bigger than the other one, but an iris much darker than the other one looks weird, not cool in a David Bowie two different colored eyes way.  Then after going outside I realized the contact made no difference in my visual field.  The doctor encouraged me to try it out as we had a 90 day trial period, but I said there was no way I was going to try and mess with a contact when i could not see what I was doing and that it was already irritating my eye after 5 minutes.  So then she wanted the contact lens people to still teach me how to put it in and get it out.  The fun started when I tried to get it out and it failed to move, then a nurse tried to get it out and also could not do it.  A third person was called in and they began flooding the eye with lubricating drops and finally got it out.  Because my eyes produce no oil that thing was totally stuck.  In fact, most people with dry eyes cannot wear contacts and now I know why.  They still wanted me to take the contact home since “it gets easier the more you try”.  If it took two nurses and a ton of drops to get it out then I did not think I was going to do so well.  Plus, since my eye felt irritated I would have to keep asking people if my eye was getting red.  Too much work.

This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I am an award winner.  I won the South Carolina Commission for the Blind Consumer of 2010 or maybe the Vocational Rehabilitation Case of the Year (which does not sound nearly as good, but what was in the letter I received). I am not sure what this means.  I know that I did not win a cash prize. I think it means that I am the most awesome kind of blind person ever (or that the SCCB dealt with that year). This totally baffles me. I harassed those poor people and complained when the services were not delivered in a timely or in a professional manner. If holding people accountable makes me the best consumer then that rocks, because that is what a good consumer should do.  This week I will pick up what has been described to me as a beautiful award. I am guessing it could be a plaque and if so I probably won’t be able to read it, but I will display it proudly. Or maybe it is a lovely plant. What it is does not matter. I will remember the awesome responsibility I have in being the blind consumer of the year and that means I will continue to not let it stop me. Also, if someone makes me a sash I will wear it.

I have been writing this blog for a year and am beginning to wonder if and when it should end.  I began writing the blog because I started to write a book about how my life radically changed after my accident and I just could not get it all out. So, I decided to write a weekly blog that captured what I was thinking, feeling and going through as I dealt with my new reality. It was and still is cathartic for me.  At first, I wrote the blog for me alone and did not think about or really care who read it. Over the past year that has shifted a bit in that I think about if what I am experiencing and thinking can be useful to others and therefore I wonder about the “take away’s” from my blog. I used a Kurt Cobain line (from All Apologies) as the title of the blog because at times I do wonder what makes what I say important or readable or why anyone would pay attention to it. I guess the bigger question is “does it matter or is it chatter”.

There is also a part of me that thinks sometimes it is strange to share yourself with others through blogging. I am honest and authentic in my blog and in that way I am letting people I do not know into my world. When I am down, my blogs are dark, when I am frustrated they are angry and when I am happy they are comical (hopefully). So they become a window into my emotional state.  You would think I would go back and read old blogs, but the truth is I have never read a blog after it has been posted and I am not sure why.  I think it is because the writing is almost a dumping process that reflects where I am at a point in time. Because I am a moving forward type of gal, I tend not to want to go back to those places.

My goal was to take all the blogs I have written and see if I have something, that with work could become a book.  Right now I have no sense of what that would be.  I think this is why I am still writing and maybe when I feel I have something I will stop, or at least pause. And maybe there will be some weeks where I don’t have anything to say. With all this said, the blog will continue, at least for the near future. I hope that those who read it at least get a chuckle or two at times and maybe some kind of “ahha” moment. But if not, that is OK too.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

October 12, 2011-Volume 45: Making the Choice to be in a Relationship

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 45: Making the Choice to be in a Relationship

I am one of those people who are OK not being in a relationship.  I am OK with myself and have enough interests and hobbies and things to occupy my time.  I don’t feel that a relationship is something I need, although it is something I want.  I have realized that being in a relationship becomes a daily, weekly, monthly choice.  It is a choice to invest time, care and energy in another person.  In past years being a relationship was more a need, a thing to fill a perceived void, and it led me to be with people I should have run screaming from.  Now, being at a place where I am able to choose allows me to truly commit and continually examine my feelings and my investment, and that is a good and healthy thing, and is the focus of my blog.  But first..............................

My WTF of the week is the fact that I have come close to being road kill several times by people running a stop light or a stop sign. What I would like to say to these drivers is that a stop sign is not optional. You actually have to come to a stop.  If you were able to just roll through the thing it would say Yield and be yellow.  And a red light also means come to a full stop. When the light is yellow and you are close enough that you can make it, I have no problem with a person gunning it. But if the light has turned red before you get to the intersection, you should be on the brakes. Also those lines that demarcate a crosswalk are there for a reason and when you stop your front end should be behind it, not over it. Be warned, if you do this I will kick your tire and give you a really dirty look as I have to maneuver around your clearly misplaced car. I now just assume no one is going to stop at the stop signs so I hold up and look and make sure there are no cars within three car lengths before I cross. And when I am crossing at lights I wait a few seconds after the light has turned red to make sure the cars are all braking or stopping then run fast across the street with the few seconds I have left.  I, as a visually impaired pedestrian, should not have to do this much work to get around town safely. And then there is the problem that most of the places where I cross have no audible signals for the blind or visually impaired.  Let’s get on the ball City of Columbia. Someone is going to get hurt out there.

This week I can’t get enough of laser hair removal. I have already had my first session and I did not think it hurt that much. The most disconcerting thing was the smell of burning hair.  But you get used to that quickly. The laser machine has a cool blast of air to cool down the hot laser. It was interesting feeling the cool blast of air during the bikini area hair removal because I was hoping that the laser was not going anywhere near where I was feeling the air at times. After the session you have to drink lots of water so that you don’t get dehydrated, which leads to itching.  So I drank copious amounts of water as to not embarrass myself by having to scratch certain areas.  Do not be afraid of the laser, the pain is tolerable and it is your friend. 

I am in an interesting place in my life where being in a relationship is a conscious choice where I am continually processing things like if I am getting my needs met, if the relationship feels reciprocal and if I am happy.  These are important questions to ask, but you can only really ask these questions if you are willing to end a relationship if the answer is NO. And that means you have to be OK with being alone.  Relationships, no matter how much you love someone, take work. They don’t just happen. And when you are OK and can be happy being alone, it is a choice you make to do the work.  That choice depends on what you are putting in and what you are getting back. That choice depends on how much you feel energized by the relationship and if you are growing as a person. That choice depends on if you feel heard respected and can be your authentic self in the relationship. Having the ability to consider that choice is empowering and freeing, because you are doing what is truly right for you.

It took me a long time to get to this place. In earlier relationships I was not as OK with myself.  I felt more of a need to be in a relationship and because I was not good with me I attracted people who were not really right for me.  And I never felt as if I had a choice or that I was deciding if the relationship was good, I was content that I was in a relationship and happy that someone actually liked me enough to date or marry me.  So I, like many others, stayed too long in relationships that were not healthy.

Now, being in a place of choice is comforting but also uncomfortable because it feels new. And I have my struggles.  There are times when I wonder why a person, specifically, my boyfriend, would choose a single parent who is visually impaired. And I have to remind myself that we all have flaws and I have much more to bring to the table.  As I have said before my visual impairment does not define who I am. So, now and for the last 5 months I daily, weekly and monthly choose to commit myself to my relationship and in that commitment I am fully accountable for my actions and fully present. And that is a good place to be. 

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

October 5, 2011-Volume 44: I Want to Hibernate

The Adventures of The Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 44:

I Feel Like Hibernating

With the change in the weather and the light, I have found that not only am I battling the sinus crud, but I am feeling like I just want to curl up in bed and sleep all the time.  It amazes me how a little nip in the air and a little more darkness can completely alter my energy level and somehow increase my need for chocolate.  Are we that tied to the seasons?  That is the focus of my blog this week.  But first……………

My WTF of the week is the fact that there are Christmas decorations on display in some stores.  I walked into a Lowe’s on September 30 to be greeted by the display of lit Christmas trees.  I had to blink to make sure this was not a visual hallucination.  What is going on? What happened to Halloween and Thanksgiving?  Do I need to be thinking about Christmas right now?  I have an odd theory about why the decorations are out early and it has to do with our economy. The decorations let us know that another crappy year is coming to an end and that the Holidays are the last fun blast before another year of a crap economy.  It also could signal that we need to start shopping now so that when we do have some extra money we remember to start buying some gifts. And lots of us are going to need that lead time. Although I must admit that the white tree did excite me, all the trees did is stress me out thinking about the Holidays, because let’s admit it, the Holidays are stressful. And I am not happy about being reminded of that in October.

This week I can’t get enough of looking at videos of people playing drum covers on YouTube.  My drum teacher gave me the task of figuring out how to play, wait for it, Paradise City by Guns N Roses.  After looking up the video on YouTube and listening to the song I decided to see if I could find others playing the drum part so I could just copy them-which I thought was a pretty slick idea on my part.  Lots of people like t0 play Guns N Roses, go figure, and I had no trouble locating hundreds of drum cover videos.  Here is where the fun started.  Some of the videos were good, but some were just comical.   And by comical I mean the people stank, but still thought they needed to make a video of themselves.  I really don’t get why anyone would put up a video of themselves playing drums in the first place. But more interestingly, why would you put up a video of yourself playing the drums badly so then people like me can laugh and make fun of you.  I guess I am glad that there is this type of content available because I have something to laugh about and mock and that is a good thing.  It also gives me hope that I can be a better drummer that the guys on YouTube.  So when I get good I am going to put in my long hair, wear hot pants and some tall boots and film myself plating drums.  Would be interesting to see how many views I get.

I really love the fall.  It is actually my favorite season of the year because of the colors of the leaves and the crispness of the air and the fact I really like pumpkin and can get lots of pumpkin baked goods in the fall. But the transition from the long, hot summer to the fall always kicks me in the butt.  Like clockwork I get my first cold of the season, which I had a few weeks ago. Then my sinuses go crazy and as soon as I have to turn the heat on my eyes dry out and I wake up with a headache until I come up with a humidifier strategy.  The darkness in the morning does not help either because it tells my body to get back in the bed and go back to sleep, which I would do if I did not have to get up and get my child ready for school.  Then I feel like I am dragging all day just trying to stay awake and somehow get some exercise. I am also really hungry as if my body is telling itself to fatten up for the winter.

I always find it interesting how much the change in seasons and weather and light can affect our energy, moods and eating habits.  I know it must be a biological leftover from hunter gatherer days. I have that sense of not wanting to start anything new, and my brain has slowed down in firing off good or creative ideas.  Now it just keeps telling me a need a pumpkin muffin and some coffee.  I am trying to come up with ways to stay motivated and active in these last months of the year.  So I have this crazy idea to start training for a sprint triathlon.  After finding out I can have spotters and possibly ride a tandem bike doing a sprint triathlon is now back on the table.  I can get training schedules to follow and this will give me the structure I need to stay active.  I am also focusing on getting better at the drums and playing a little bit every day.   And I am starting something new. I am going to take jazz and modern dance as a fall/winter activity.  On the work front I am considering moving forward with a radio show and will be offering some workshops and planning a January event.  With these plans and some structure and goals, I hope to drag myself kicking and screaming out of the sleep and eat mode.  I will let you know how it works. Maybe planning new things, setting shorter term goals and doing some things that have structure will work for others.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock