September 21, 2011-Volume 43: Some People Really Suck

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 43: Some People Really Suck

Once again I find myself dealing with people that think they have the right to take advantage of me because I am somehow relying upon them.  In an unfortunate but ongoing theme in my life since the accident, people offer to help and then somehow punish me for it.  My musing on why this happens and my general intolerance for this behavior is the focus of this blog.  But first…………………….

My WTF of the week is that the flies are back with a vengeance and they seem smarter and quicker-kind of like super flies.  I thought I had won the battle of the flies as they were almost all gone, but when I returned from a weekend away, they were back and recently hatched--a smaller, faster version of the other flies.  They also seemed to have learned new tactics to avoid being pummeled by myself or my rolled up magazine wielding child.  Instead of landing on the glass planes they hide in the corners and up on the window sashes and they are superfast and have to be hit about three times before they perish.  My next move is flypaper which I will hang up in front of the windows.  Let’s see them try and avoid that.  I will provide an update on the fly situation in later blogs.

This week I can’t get enough of laser hair removal.  I have been watching for a Groupon for it for weeks and at the end of last week there it was-70% off laser hair removal.  I was able to purchase and have some gifted so that I got the deal for 6 rounds of treatment on two areas.  Being visually impaired means I can’t really tell how good of a job I am doing shaving and I have to go by feel which means it takes a lot longer.  So laser hair removal will make my life so much easier.  I am not at all worried about the pain because I was able to stand the epilator and the epidural wearing off at the beginning of the C-section stich up, so it should be a breeze.  I know others that have had the laser hair removal and say they have some light hair left and it is only 80% gone.  I am going for 100% gone so I can throw away my razor.  I expect to feel baby smooth.

Since my accident I have thought some (and others have thought more) about my safety. That is why I have a prop car in my driveway and use my alarm.  For me it is enough, while others think I need some additional items like pepper spray or a taser. While I admit hitting someone with a taser like in that scene in the Hangover does sound like good times, I have discovered that I should be more concerned about protecting myself from people that I actually know and purport to want to help me.  And I don’t think pepper spray can save me from your run of the mill jerks.

Recently someone who was picking us up for two rides a week said I was causing too much stress in their lives, even though they were late picking us up 75% of the time.  The one time we were a few minutes late was enough for me to be threatened that if it happened again they would no longer help us.  Of course I got someone else to take us the two mornings, mostly because I don’t respond well to threats.  This is not the first or the last time this will happen.  It began right after the accident when people actually were upset I was not at home when they came to drop off food, even though I had no idea they were coming.  The message from some people who offer to help is that I must be as accommodating as possible and not do anything wrong or I am cut off. 

I think some people that offer to help you do so because of guilt or because they want to make themselves feel better. And I do believe that some people are also not so great at assessing what they can and cannot do.  The end result of all these is the same-it feels stressful or not so good and I am to blame. I have no use for these people.  Either you authentically want to help and know what help you can provide or you just say you cannot help.  And if you offer to help and can’t do it, then have the guts and accountability to say it is not working out for you instead of blaming the person you are helping. 

I know that in the past being a busy single mom did not leave me much time to help others, but I always did what I could.  And I can say truthfully that if I knew a mom who lived 5 minutes away from me who could not drive and our kids went to the same school I would offer rides and it would be a no brainer.  But this has not worked out for me so my way of dealing with things is to pay people to drive me.  When I pay people they show up and don’t have nasty things to say to me and I like that. I recently decided to pay for a single driver to provide my rides.  I will figure out what I will have to give up to pay for it, but it is worth every penny. It means I am not beholden to anyone nor do I have to put up with people who take advantage of the fact I am vulnerable and relying on them.  

I don’t think I am negative about people in general. As I said last week- I am a realist.  And what I ask is that people own their stuff and are authentic. My advice, as someone who needs help, is to only offer help if you can do it for more than just a few times, if you can make it work without feeling put out or resentful, and if you are doing it because it is the right thing to do.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

September 14, 2011-Volume 42: Am I a Realist or Being Skeptical?

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 42: Am I a Realist or Being Skeptical?

In the past weeks I have begun to look at why I seem to not feel safe in any situation or with any person and how that feeling of being on somewhat shaky ground has at times worked to my benefit.  I am beginning to think it is the reason I take the risks I do and live in the moment as much as I can.  I may be a realist or maybe I am skeptical, but I believe that those are not bad things to be.  That is the focus of this blog.  But first……….

My WTF of the week is the fact that there are crazy people on Internet dating sites.  As many of you know, recently in Columbia a woman was killed by someone she met on an internet dating site.  When I heard about the incident, I read the news articles.  I quickly realized that the killer was one of my matches on EHarmony and one of the guys that e-mailed me.  He was actually one of the best looking guys and his profile looked good.  I can say that I may have gone out with him if I had not met someone else and he had pursued me.  The thought of that was extremely scary-that could have been me. I have heard other stories recently about people getting involved in dangerous situations with people they met online. As women and men we have to be so careful about the people we meet online.  What I learned from my EHellmony experience, as I have written about, is that people are not honest in how they present themselves and that means we need to do our homework and ask lots of questions and have dialogue via Internet and phone before going out on a date.  And we need to trust our instincts and look for red flags. Or maybe the Internet dating world is just too scary.

This week I can’t get enough of vintage clothing and my ideas for a cool photo shoot.  Recently I was in Charlotte where I purchased a few more 60’s dresses.  One is a long gold beaded dress that looks like something Ann Bancroft wore in “The Graduate”.  I am lucky that for some reason the vintage stuff fits.  When I go with people who have a large chest they say nothing fits them across it and nothing will button.  So in this case I am proud to be small in that area.  I got inspired to do a photo shoot after seeing a picture on the cover of a songbook from the 60’s that my boyfriend had for playing the trumpet.  On the cover was a woman in an awesome jumpsuit posing with a trumpet up in the air with others positioned around her feet-way cool.  So now me and my vintage dresses will be posing along with different musical instruments (and not in an American Pie “one time in band camp” way).  I now have a drum set and an electronic keyboard and he has a harmonica, trumpet, banjo and upright bass.  I am visualizing the hair, makeup and poses.   My goal is to have the pictures done for the Holidays.

Lately I have been thinking about the reasons I don’t feel safe or secure in any aspect of my life and how that feeling, which I commonly describe as “being on somewhat shaky ground”   manifests in my life.  The “why” of not feeling safe is because my life has been somewhat unpredictable and I now know that I can’t really know or count on what will happen next.  The result of not feeling safe has not been to go to a place of pessimism or learned helplessness, but to take risks and try new things.  My risk taking and willingness to try out anything has been amplified since my accident because in a sense that was the most unpredictable event that has ever taken place.  To me, if that crazy of a thing could happen and I can survive it, then there can’t be much else worse and if there is, I can survive that too.  Being on shaky ground also means I don’t get stuck.  That feeling of not being secure or safe, which is somewhat a feeling of fear, keeps me moving forward. Lastly, not feeling safe and knowing I have no idea what is coming leads me to stay in the present.  I live from moment to moment each day and am really present in those moments. I have found that being present is a good thing that helps me to be a good problem solver, listener and to appreciate what I have.  I still have some goals for the future as well as a mission that guides my life and values that help me make choices, but I now let the future unfold before me and instead of having expectations, like to be surprised by how things unfold.

In having this perspective I also feel I am somewhat a realist who is at the same time a little skeptical about what is in front of me.  I ask more questions, try not to make assumptions and have more patience and presence to really listen for the meaning behind the words or actions.  There is a book called The Five Agreements and the fifth, which the author added years after writing The Four Agreements, is to be skeptical, but learn to listen.  He says not to believe anything you tell yourself or that others tell you and look for the truth. Being skeptical is not being negative or pessimistic or lacking trust, it is just thinking realistically and analytically about the information. It is working for me because I am, having more authentic conversations, while learning more about myself and others.

In the final analysis I think that feeling safe is highly overrated. A little dose of fear and skepticism is a motivator to stay in the present moment, move forward and be excited about the process of life. What is coming next is always somewhat of a surprise.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock