April 24, 2013-Volume 81: Time to Get Back in the Game, if I Can Find the Field

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 81: Time to Get Back in the Game, if I Can Find the Field

I have been sitting on the sidelines for too long. At first the accident put me there, while I was fighting battles, healing and adapting to being non-sighted. But lately I have chosen to sit there and watch and observe and mostly to have the time to cocoon and turn inward and write. Sitting on the sidelines is making my ass sore and it is uncomfortable for myriad reasons. Those reasons and why it is time for me to get back on my game and in the game is the focus of this blog.  But first……………..

My WTF of the week is the fact that I find myself getting too involved in playground politics. I do this because I see others doing it, but the truth is I really want no part of the cutthroat world of 5 to 7 year olds learning lessons about power, gender roles, and other social and interpersonal dynamics. What confirmed this was yesterday when I watched a group of kids attempt to get the ripe fruits off a Loquat tree. They figured out ways to climb the tree and shake the tree and ask others for assistance, and then they shared and ate the fruit. And then I thought about my childhood and the Kumquat trees in our neighborhood and how all we did with those fruits is fight to see how many we could get and then pelt the hell out of each other with them. They were the perfect size and density to make nice round bruises. And so I concluded, the kids are alright. But still, I find myself interfering with these politics. But I only say part of what I would really like to say. Last night my daughter showed me the bruises on her legs (not from loquats) and when I asked how she got them she said the boys are pushing me down. Ok, so this is a gender issue and feminist mommy must say something so I say “Do not ever let a boy push you down, either stand your ground or get out of the way and as they try to run you down they will keep going forward and run into something else, like a tree”.  Here is what I wanted to also say “Look, try to be the girl that the boys don’t want to run over or push down, somehow convince them things will go much better for them if they are nicer to you and remember one day they will be the ones who will determine how hard and how fast you hit the glass ceiling. Be thankful these are not the days where you may have to sleep with one of them to get what you want.” In another situation there was some girl drama about name calling. One girl comes up to the moms and tells us someone has called her a name. The other girls, mine included, claim the name caller is no longer on the playground. At which point the moms say things like “we do not call each other names, it is hurtful and we do not point fingers, you need to apologize to the girl who was called names because her feelings are hurt”. OK, all of this is good and I do try to teach my child these basic lessons, but here is what I also want to say. “Look, don’t run to the adults every time you hear something you don’t like, you sound kind of kind of like a nark. You as girls need to figure this out on your own. If someone calls you a name then tell them how you feel and ask them to stop or don’t react at all because you don’t have to own it. This will not be the last time you will have to deal with women being bitchy to you so learn to deal with it and work it out. We as women are communicative and communal so figure out how to do that please. And no hair pulling or cat fights, those will come later.”

This week I can’t get enough of sexual innuendo or actually just making everything sound sexual. Lately I have been in a workout group where the women are really awesome about making sexual comments about anything and everything, which is easy to do when you are using exercise balls and pulling things and lifting weights. Every time someone makes a sexual comment another person says “That’s what she said.”  Examples, while doing a figure eight with a kettle bell a woman says, “I am having a hard time fitting this between my legs”. Other comments include “Is this almost over.” “These balls keep getting away from me,” and “I just can’t get into this position”. But of course I, with my mind in the gutter, take this banter to a whole new level. When one woman says she dressed up as a taco for a Moe’s run and beat the other two people who were dressed as burritos, I say “The taco always wins” and then add, “I assume the burritos were men.” Chuckles from the other women. Later when the trainer gets out the straps for stretching and has us get into this position where are legs are kind of over our heads, I say “This could be fun”, and then ask if she uses these at home because the straps seem sturdy. Oh, no I have crossed the line and taken the sexual innuendo to a whole new fifty shades of gray level. Now people just seem uncomfortable. And I am thinking if you want to play sexual innuendo hardball, get with the program.

I have a mission statement, “I leave people and places better than how I found them.” To me this statement implies action, doing, and impact. In my 15 years of consulting I was doing that every day. Working with grass roots and nonprofits facilitating, planning, evaluating, problem solving, training and educating. I felt that I was somehow changing things, having impact and being the change agent I think I am. It was visible and tangible and I could see progress. It was reinforcing.

Speaking and training and doing workshops in front of people in my interactive fashion is where I feel the most alive, the most myself and using the best parts of my gifts. And I have been doing little of this for the past year. I stopped because it got harder when I became visually impaired because I could not drive or prepare materials quickly or see my notes or power point slides. I stopped because there was no demand for what I did in the failing economy. I stopped to refocus on individual clients and putting out videos and articles and information. I stopped to do some of the things I always wanted to do and learn: the drums, salsa, rock climbing, etc. And those were all good reasons at the time, but now they are just excuses.

I am not a very good visually impaired person and maybe I have not learned how to be my best self and use all my gifts and skills as a person who is differently abled. I am at the point where I have adapted but I have not thrived professionally in this new normal. In these months of writing; the book, the songs, the poetry, it has been cathartic and shown me I can actually write. But you can only emote and rip your guts out for so long. And now the songs and the poetry and the book are there, but I am the only one who has seen them. So they do not fill my need for having an impact. I think the book is good and could be huge and could impact many and maybe fulfill my need to be impactful, but it is not there yet and the waiting has left me in need of a change.  I am not meant to sit on the sidelines--to create, to ponder--I am meant to play in the game, to be action oriented, to do and move and be my tenacious and competitive self. I am learning that, for now, it will take a rethinking of how to fulfill my mission.  The how of it will require yet another reinvention.

Now, my work, after the book push of the spring and summer, will be to reinvent myself and my business. My hope is that my book gets published and creates ways for me to rebrand myself and have a platform for my message. But that is out of my control. What I can and will do is reconnect with the world, with networks, with people. To put myself out there and be seen and be heard, something I have not done enough of in the last year, but something I know how to do well. Looking back it was a mistake. It was a mistake not to hold the women's event this year, it was a mistake not to continue to do workshops, and it was a mistake to not seek out opportunities to give talks. But I did what I had to do to write a book I felt I needed to write.

I am not sure how I will reenter the game, but I know it will look different and be exciting. It will be the whole me, with an honesty about who I am- a person who is differently abled. It’s time to share what I have learned and how I have changed in being differently abled and put that in the puzzle with all my other knowledge skills and talents. When I blend all the ingredients I am not sure what it will make, what I will call it or if it will be appealing enough to be marketable. That I will figure out as I go. The only thing I know is that I am not a person who was put here to sit on the sidelines of life, at least not for long. I am a person who thrives on communication, connection, stimulating ideas and dialogue and just getting crap done. So get ready, I am coming back!

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 17, 2013-Volume 80: All the Secrets Swallowed

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 80: All the Secrets Swallowed

This week’s blog features two of my poems. In these last months there are many secrets I have kept, things I cannot talk about. When I swallow secrets and stuff down emotions I get sick. And so, to be healthy I find a place to put those feelings and emotions; a place where they are safe and where the secret is protected. And that place, for me, is a song or poem, a sacred place where truth is revealed, but the secret is safe. And in that, for now, I am protected. 

During the rage days, a heavy haze obscuring truth

When there is pain and no words a hurt soul screams

The kicks and thrashes and spits and bites, the proof

Of a dark secret not shared, trying to unloose by any means

Protracted rage opens a Pandora’s Box of secrets spilled 

Pain of body and soul revealed; the guilty and her transgression named

Brave old soul, wise and wonderful, spirit that cannot be killed

Those tasked to provide protection point fingers her way to blame

The mother lion roars, moves to protect, swift into action

Boundaries set and broken, forced to face her abuser

Accountability for the accused denied, scapegoating sanctioned

The mother lion waits, stalks, and when she bites, you are the loser

And in this next poem, boundaries are again a theme.

Sickened from secrets swallowed, a seeker sacrificed

Paternalistic process to protect the guilty (like the pedophiles?)

Investigation of truth becomes interrogation of you

Protection picks apart personal relationships without your presence, permission

Verdict: Fascinating chocolate candy siren enjoyed too much

Memo: Mind-f*cking is not f*cking, just being screwed over

Is that chaste, she asks

Flint lights a fire to frustration, friendship, feelings, the Faith

Look at the light in my mirror, rearview, when the hot heat no longer blisters and burns

Pain dumped in this prose, disappointment dulled by distance and the dimming

Escape, with my faith intact.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 11, 2013-Volume 79: Some Lessons Learned

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 79: Some Lessons Learned

This week a short blog (because I am actually trying to finish my book proposal) about some interesting lessons I have learned just in the last week or so. But first…………..

My WTF of the week is the fact that I fell headlong into the generation gap, one I kept denying was there in the first place. I consider myself cool, up to date; I listen to the Gen Y music, emulate their fashion, use strange terms like that is toats fab”, but I am learning they know jack about my generation. In a recent conversation with a  Gen Y person I mentioned that my recently relocated to NYC friend had an amazing celebrity sighting his second day in the city: Carol Burnett. I expected to get some kind of reaction like OMG that is huge, she is so darn famous. But what I got was “who is that”.  I repeated, you know the Carol Burnett show. Blank look on the face indicating no clue. So then I say, I think that was better than my Chelsea sighting of Jessica Lange and Sam Shepherd and again, blank look and “nope, I have no clue who they are”. Unbelievably I say, you know Jessica Lange, 70's King Kong, Tootsie, no, never seen those movies, no clue. How is this possible? It is possible because I am a Gen X’er in my mid- forties who grew up with these stars and these youngsters do not know or do they care to watch older movies or reruns. If I can walk and talk and know crap in your world, they should know crap in mine, right? My dauber is going to be retro cool, like me, who is obsessed with my mother’s late 60’s furniture and can sing along with the Best of Bread. SO she is watching the Brady Bunch.

This week that is what I just can’t get enough of, the absolute innocence and sometimes naivety of the Brady Bunch, which my seven year old daughter is now watching and enjoying. This is the antithesis of the Nick/Disney shows. The parents are in the show as central figures, the children are respectful and mostly kind to each other and when they made mistakes they actually feel guilty, show remorse and apologize. The parents are trusting yet fair and also let the kids work through their own problems. In a recent episode Gregg gets caught smoking and then a pack of cigs falls out of a coat that is not his. His parents totally believe him when he says they are not his (OK, so this would have never happened to me in the 80’s-my mom would have said something like I know those are yours, don’t give me that crap). But Tom and Carol say something like “well you have done some things we have not liked, but you have never lied to us before, so we believe you”. And then the kid whose cigs they are cops to it to both Tom and Carol and his own mother. This is amazing! I am using the Brady Bunch to teach my daughter useful life lessons which are mostly look how those kids respect and listen to their parents and how honest they are. Now if I could just find Partridge Family reruns for some good single parenting family situations.

I often give a talk about the things I know to be true, which is really positive and motivational. But there is a dark side to some of the things I know to be true, and that is what I want to capture here. A brief list of things I have learned on my walk on this planet and believe me, this is just a partial list based on recent incidents.

1)    When a guy says I know I told you that story and he did not and yet he insist he did, he is talking to someone else and does not remember who he told the story to-you are in a queue, one of the many.

2)    When people say they are trying to protect you but did not tell you what from and why they are concerned and have a meeting wherein you are discussed but no one will tell you what was said, they are really trying to protect themselves or their faith or institution-it really has nothing to do with you and you were probably in the wrong place at the wrong time.

3)    If people want you to leave town and they mention a lot of times how it is time for you to leave town and suggest you should sell your house “as is” and quickly and then you get an affidavit saying it is OK for you to move, then they are trying to get rid of you. OK, this is blatant and they are somehow of afraid of you.

4)    If someone, after talking to others about you, says they can't talk to you for a few days to decompress, this means they likely need time to figure out what and how much they are going to tell you, may feel guilty or they need time to make up an alternate version of what they said. Unfortunately I have found the latter to be truer, so check for tire tracks on your back.

5)    If you are told that you look good for your age, this is not at all a compliment. I want to look good for a 35 or 36 year old. This just means you actually look your age and are attractive and that is not at all acceptable. In addition if someone says that a cosmetic procedure could probably make you look better, book the appointment immediately.

6)    If you get accused of being things you are not or maybe just a little of, just a little of the time (and you are not in denial) it is likely someone is projecting their own issues onto to you. I call this the pot calling the kettle black conversation and I have had many of them. So if you feel projected upon which you will know from an icky slime coating and the feeling that what they are saying just does not apply, just start calling them Pot. Like, “that’s great Pot” or “you are so right about that Pot”.

These are six of the dozens and maybe hundreds of things I have learned and these are just from this week. Life is never boring and lessons can always be learned.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

April 3, 2013-Volume 78: Seeker, Explorer, Quicksand Avoider

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 78: Seeker, Explorer, Quicksand Avoider

I am a risk taker, a woman with tons of questions, a processor, a pusher of boundaries, a moving forward type of gal.  And that may not be expected, given my disability. I am learning that the chaos and crazy in my life, which I did not cause, nor can control, may be because of this.  I am shamelessly borrowing this analogy from my therapist; that me as explorer, as seeker means I get into dangerous places that may have slippery slopes or quicksand. My job is to quickly figure out how to get out of it or to go around it and that is the focus of the blog.  But firs……………………..

My WTF of the week is the resistance that has developed to doing my work of writing the book proposal for my book, which has a working title of EnLIGHTtened: How Losing My Sight Gave me Vision. Every time I go to write the proposal I get stuck or just sit there looking at the few outlines for the format and avoid sections I don’t feel like addressing, which in the end is the entirety of the proposal. So far I have written about a page of what should be a proposal of 30 to 40 pages and I have been “working" on this for 2 weeks. I went back to the book The War of Art which does a great job at discussing resistance and tried to figure out why it is occurring (boredom, fear of success fear of failure, etc.). And what I figured out is that writing a proposal is structured and tedious and not at all what I want to be writing. Nonetheless, I have rededicated myself to this proposal process because I am giving myself a reward when that and the query letter to literary agents is finished- a trip to NYC and maybe an I Pad.

This week I can’t get enough of the fact I have booked my first post-accident flight to NYC where I will spend my 45^th b-day with my partner in crime as I call her to visit my bestest  male friend (BMF) ever. . This is my first trip flying blind, so to speak, but since I am flying with a friend I could get no special assistance, because I asked. They also could not fill my request for making sure a good looking guy was sitting in our row, between us. I am staying with my newly relocated to the big apple BMF who recently said a great thing to me. I asked, when you move in with he who will not be named in this blog will we still be able to talk like we do. He said: Beth I would never let a man come between us.  I am also wearing his great-grandmothers diamond ring because he did not want to take it to NYC and I offered to provide a good and stable home for any and all jewelry. He was not sure it was real but today I confirmed that it is. When I texted him that the ring was real and according to the jeweler, a nice gift, he said I told you I would give you a diamond ring one day.  And now he will be living the fabulous single, no kids’ life in the big city that I secretly dreamed about living and I am a little jealous. But I plan to show up in NYC as often as they will let me crash at their place and I will bring a fabulous host gift, and maybe a friend or two.

March was a chaotic month (truly March madness) and this one has started off with a bang, and a crash and a burn and they are not happy accidents, they are train wrecks. The wrecks are over legal matters, relationships, friendships, parenting, home repairs, etc. etc. etc. I am left wondering, did I cause these, what was my role, or is it all just coincidence. Sure, I would like to think the latter, but this is a recurring theme and a theme means a pattern and a pattern means you are somehow accountable.  Recently I have been accused of and called many contradictory things; insecure, needy, too independent, not knowing how to ask for help, asking for too much help, running my mouth, not disclosing enough, vacillating, not giving people the benefit of the doubt, and letting people take advantage of me. My all-time favorite and admittedly at times true statement is that I am not being a very good blind person.   How can I be all these things and if I am all these things did I cause this entire sh*t storm.

What I know to be true is that I am some of those things some of the time and others none of the time, but what I am all of the time is the seeker and explorer, out there pushing limits, risk taking and turning over new ground and new leaves. And when you are an explore you are sometimes in unchartered water or territory and given I am visually impaired these are literally and figuratively hard to navigate. One situation that arose that I will just call a Baha’i Backdraft arose because of the lack of knowledge of a new territory.

When you are an explorer you must have gear and especially things that protect your head, but also your heart. From objects being hurled at you by your raging child or crap dropped on you by the douchebag of the day. In my book I describe my approach to relationships as jumping off a cliff and forgetting to put on the parachute realizing that device would have been useful halfway down, mostly to soften the impact. I found a parachute this last go round and I already have other tools for exploring and some I figure out I need while in the midst of the exploration.

When seeking and exploring you come upon dangerous obstacles, some which are obvious and others which are not. The quicksand, which looks like any other sand, is especially dangerous because you are in it unprepared and all you can do is react in the moment. Once you hit the quicksand you just do what I always tell people to do, do not struggle and let go. If you relax completely and move slowly it will let you go unharmed. Some people are quicksand, they draw you in and it is not until you are being sucked down that you realize soon you won’t be able to breathe. Other obstacles are more obvious once you get close to them so you can problem solve and grab the tools in your tool bag to scale the wall or cross the stream  or handle whatever is in front of you. In a situation with me ex-husband I am now backed up against a wall and will be using tools to get around it or knock it down.

So me, as seeker and explorer cannot help but come upon danger and chaos, it is inevitably unavoidable and in the final analysis, without it life would be uninteresting. I feel comfortable in this role but I am learning that it makes others uncomfortable, especially since my accident because a visually impaired person, even one who is passing, should not be acting this way. Hence the myriad manes and labels placed upon me as a push forward kind of woman, armed with sling blade, parachute and assorted ax grinding tools.  Deal with it, because I can, and I am not changing strategy or tactic.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock