February 22, 2011-Volume 60: Silence is Golden

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 60: Silence is Golden

Last week I wrote a blog that was the truth about what was going on in my life with a threat of another custody battle. It was up for a few hours, but I took it down because I realized it could be used against me.  Because I can no longer write the truth about my life, I will be writing nothing and will stop the blog until I can again speak truth.

Columbia, SC is a postage stamp and things get around quickly, some true, some not. In my silence I want everyone to know what is not true. If you hear I am speaking badly about anyone or any institution, it is not true. If you hear I am a bad mother, it is not true. If you hear that my child’s issues are because of my parenting, it is not true. If you hear I am moving away from Columbia, it is no longer true. If you hear I am not working, it is not true. If you hear I have no school placement for my daughter next year, it is not true.

What is true is that for almost two years I have been under attack, bullied and harassed as both a person and a parent.  I wish I could tell the truth about the suffering this has caused my child and I. One day I will tell my story.  I am still a life coach and consultant and a darn good one, but I do work around my child’s schedule and whatever is going on in her life. And I am still a force for change and steadfastly focused on my mission of leaving people and places better than when I found them. My videos will be up every week and my newsletter will be out every month. But my energy is now focused on making sure my child is in a better place and unfortunately, defending myself.

I hope I can write again soon. I may use this time to look over the last 60 blogs and figure out if there is a book here. No matter what, I am still moving forward.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

February 15, 2012-Volume 59: Could I Still be Wild?

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 59- Could I Still be Wild?

This week I am reflecting back on the days when I was supposedly “wild”. I think that there are times when I wish I could act wild and immature, because it would add a little spice to my life. But alas, there are consequences. That is the focus of this blog.

My WTF of the week is the interesting thing that occurred when my ex-boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook. Remind me to never, ever use that “in a relationship” button again. What was I thinking? I noticed that my in a relationship with and his picture had disappeared from my page (we had talked about doing this so it was not a surprise). So I went to his page and saw the post that he changed his status to single and what I see is many emoticons of sad faces and I am so sorry comments.  So my page still said in a relationship but without a named person, so I changed my status to single and I get nothing, nada. No sorry, no how sad, no emoticons. What is up Facebook people?  I am the one who got stone cold dumped, and he gets all the sad faces and apologies. Show me the love Facebook friends!

This week I can’t get enough of VH1 classics.  I don’t watch this channel, but the other night while running on the treadmill I happened upon it and what was on but the last 15 minutes of Purple Rain, an absolute classic and always awesome to watch and listen to. Seeing Prince in 1984 on the Purple Rain tour in the third row after I had run and pushed people out of my way in the mayhem that was general admission seating, is one of my best concert memories.  The next show was a Behind the Music on Metallica.  I am a closet Metallica fan so I was totally psyched to see this.  I have always wanted to be able to hit the drums with the force of Lars even though I know I am supposed to aspire to be Neil Pert or John Bonham, Lars is the man. And I adore James Hetfield because he has the most awesome voice when he sings and speaks.  He has that what a man is supposed to sound like voice, sexy and powerful. He can talk to me all day and all night.  Their documentary, Some Kind of Monster, was so psychologically interesting. And I love them musically; they are just a talented tight sounding band. Next year Lars and James turn 50 and they still rock hard.

When I was home in Tampa some of my friends and their spouses mentioned to my ex-boyfriend that I used to be wild back in the day. I am not really sure what they meant. I partied, but not excessively, got in a few fights and maybe broke a handful of laws (misdemeanors), but didn’t most of us? There are times when I wish I could act like I was still in my teens or early 20’s. I mean, all the Housewives on Bravo act like adolescents and they are around my age. Instead of handling things calmly and rationally, wouldn’t it be nice if you could just open up a can of whoop ass on someone who deserves it or just yell and cuss really loudly at them. I think the release would feel good. And sometimes I actually think about things I would do if there were no laws.  I am not sharing those.

But alas instead of being wild I just say my mantras, meditate and forgo alcohol. And I wonder, have I become boring? I still love to dance my butt off, go to parties and try new things. I guess it means I am still interesting. I wonder what wild would look like now. Wild could mean I actually drink a few beers and gossip loudly or dance on a table or sing Karaoke. Wild could mean I go topless on a nude beach (I am not sure anyone would notice that). Wild could mean I do something crazy like rock climb outside or roller blade. As I write these things I am realizing that I would do all of them. So maybe there is still a wild part of me.   Thank goodness!

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

February 8, 2012-Volume 58: Alone Again, Naturally

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired Girl- Volume 38: Alone Again, Naturally

This week, in honor of the upcoming Valentine’s Day, I am going to share my thoughts about romantic love, what I have learned about myself through romantic relationships and why I have come to feel comfortable being alone. I want to also share what I have learned about the importance of loving yourself and how that differs from feeding your ego. Bear with me, I found I had lots to say.

I have discovered that I do know how to love and love fully, but some do not. The reason I can now love fully is because I know myself, love myself and can keep my sense of self and identity while in a relationship.  I also know how to give of myself and recently, have learned how to receive. I used to think I had to work really hard to be loved, to carry all the weight of the relationship, to do all the giving. I did this because I feared being abandoned and thought that was how I kept love. But, in the past few years I have shifted my mindset to acknowledge that I myself as my authentic self am lovable and I do not have to try so hard to make men stay.  It has been a work in progress to get to the place where I can truly say that I am whole and authentic ad I bring all that to the table. I have also learned that those who are not whole or authentic or who are still working on past issues tend to love, but maybe not fully and not in a way that is right for me. When you go all in, know what that means and are able to give of yourself and accept what others can give, it can feel overwhelming for romantic partners. And for me, that is OK. Because if they are overwhelmed or not able to sustain a relationship with me, then they were not the right person. And love has nothing to do with that. I have been loved by people who still made the choice to leave the relationship. 

Love is not all encompassing, it does not conquer all, and it takes more than what we label as love to make a romantic relationship thrive. I have also learned that romantic relationships don’t miraculously occur like they play out in movies. The reasons people enter them and sometimes feel connected and in love are a matter of proximity, accessibility and availability, and maybe timing.  We will meet many people that are right for us at different times. Studies have proven that relationships are driven by proximity. So if someone moves around the block from you and somehow plants themselves at your house most days of the week, eventually, if both are single (or maybe not even single) a romantic relationship is likely to develop. It is not a mystery or magic that this happens. Hence the office romance or what I call spouse/partner swap where a man dates one of his ex’s good friends or vice versa.

So people will be put in your path, by choice or by chance, some will be right for you others will not and what is important to remember is that you can say no (even if you haven’t gotten any in a while). But that takes a strong sense of who you are and what you want.  And I have learned not everyone knows the answers to those questions.

Loving yourself is truly important. That means having respect for yourself, knowing what you are worth and understanding how you want to be traded. I think people mistake feeding their egos with loving yourself. Feeding the ego is a selfish act that is somewhat narcissistic and has insecurity and a bit of self-loathing at its core. And being able to love yourself and be loved means, as many authors speak about, losing your ego. It is about having a full cup or a full bucket as Tom Rath puts it and filling the buckets of others with what is overflowing.

The most important thing I learned from my last relationship is that my visual impairment played no part in its failure. That was something I somewhat feared, that men would not want to date a woman with a visual impairment, but that was not the case. What I learned was when I devised my four basic questions (1) Do you love yourself and have the capacity to give and receive love? 2) Can you communicate your needs, wants, fears, hopes and dreams? 3) Do you know yourself and can you be real and authentic in a relationship? 4) Can you make a commitment and stick with it in rough times?) I forgot an important one, do you want and can you take a role in raising a young child, because I have one of those. Not everyone wants to do this and sometimes they may not realize it at first. I think in the next years, if I choose to date at all, I will allow more time to pass before I introduce my daughter and maybe I will ask more questions. Since it is still fresh, I am still processing how I will do things differently, but I know I will. Having to come up with a way to explain why someone she thought was going to be a part of her family was never going to see us again was heartbreaking. One thing that will not change is the work I have done to be able to forgive and release partners without anger or animosity. Doing this means I do not build up any baggage.

I feel fine not being in a romantic relationship, even though I enjoy male energy. Relationships take care and feeding, they are messy and unpredictable, chaotic and turbulent. And for me, that means exciting. But for others, it is scary and so they retreat to the safety and comfort of being alone. For me being alone is not by choice but by chance. I am not alone because it feels safe or easier, nor do I choose relationships for the sake of being in them because I am afraid of being alone. I am alone because I have not found the person who can be my partner.  I am not sure when or if it will happen for me, but I know that the person will be someone who is whole, authentic, choosing to be fully alive, is in the second phase of life and is thriving and not just surviving.

Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. To me, romantic love is like a box of chocolates. Except that I know that I like dark chocolate and I rather have it solid than filled with stuff (except for hazelnut or more chocolate). So I can see some of the chocolates are milk chocolates and those I can automatically toss out of the box. Then I can smell the dark chocolate ones to see if there is something like raspberry in them because you can always smell something super sweet. Then I can feel the ones left to see how solid they feel so I can be almost assured they are all dark chocolate or something fudge like and those I will bite. Guys, use a car analogy here like you can easily toss out all automatics and anything less than 200 horsepower. And sure you could drive a regular BMW or Mazda 3 but wouldn’t you rather be driving an M3 or M5 or MazdaSpeed3 (OK this was also my analogy).

So what does this all mean for others? I think I would repeat some of the themes I use all the time; be willing to take risks and let life ne messy, be comfortable with waiting for the right thing to come along, work on really loving and accepting yourself and know yourself and what you want in another person. Give yourself permission to be alone and know that it does not mean that no one wants you, just that you have not found it yet and that it has nothing to do with howl loveable you are or if you are deserving of love. Don’t settle for less than you want or deserve, because settling, as in a house, can cause cracks in our foundation and can eventually bring our house down. And step outside of your safety zone. They don’t call it falling in love for nothing. And falling again and again, just as in riding a bike or skating, is how we learn to be better at love.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

February 1, 2012-Volume 57: The Second Phase of Life is a Lonely Place

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 57:

The Second Half of Life is a Lonely Place

I am in a new phase of my life: a phase where I feel good in my own skin, whole and have moved past my past. In the book “Falling Upward” Richard Rohr says there are two halves of life. In the second half, which we often see as a time of decline, is actually a time of reaching our full potential and giving in abundance. To get to the second half you have to go through the loss, pain and suffering of the first half of life until you realize the things you have built up around you are not needed. Not everyone makes it to this second phase. In this second phase, I have noticed that people either clear me out of their life or say hurtful things to me and I have also been clearing people out of mine. I know it has nothing to do with my faults or flaws (even though I have those).  It has everything to do with the fact that I am authentic, whole, healthy and confident. What I am learning is that this scares and intimidates people and seems to do so even more now that I have a disability. The second phase of life, therefore, is a lonelier place. The why of it and how I will use this phase to become more empowered are the focus of this blog.

My WTF of the week is actually the craziness that was January.  It began with the sudden exit of the man I thought was my life partner (more on that in next week’s blog), and included a fall while running, my mom in the hospital, a very anxious and angry child and ended with a shocking revelation that confirmed my suspicions a person who I thought was decent was actually dysfunctional to the core. January was both a clearing out and a wakeup call, and it almost broke me. Thank God it is over and I am hoping this month and this year is one of reinvention and transformation.

This week I can’t get enough of stem cells. The first stem cell trial for the retina is soon to be underway and they found no adverse effects of the cells on the retina in two test subjects. It is still in its early stages and expensive to be treated, but for me it signals the jump from animal to human trials and that is one step closer to me getting some sight back.

I have worked hard to be where I am emotionally. I have been through hard times and traumatic events, through pain and hopelessness.  But in the past years I have done the work to heal myself and make myself whole.  Doing that work was not easy, but it has led me to a new phase of my life. In this new phase, especially since my accident, I am open, willing to take risks and truly say what I mean and mean what I say. I have hard times but I overcome them.

As I have become stronger, people have left my life. Recently one of my closest friends said to me that I was intimidating to many people because I defied their expectations. My positive attitude and my ability to be successful and happy in the face of my challenges scares people who expect to see me bitter or sad or not able to hold it together. “You make it seem effortless”, she said, and that is truly intimidating. What is interesting is that it is not at all effortless. Every day is challenging, every day is hard. I have just learned how to figure out how to be my best self in spite of the challenges I face and I have also learned how to fake it when I need to.

Another interesting thing is that people who are not whole or who are struggling with their own self-worth or negative self-image either feed off my positive energy (until they realize they need to do the work to make themselves happy) or feel somehow threatened by my confidence. While I have bad days and sad days and angry days, through it I have a strong sense of myself and I am confident in my abilities.  Recently I have had people make comments about my blindness that have surprised me. They will say things like “why are we asking the blind girl what size that is” or “I did not know you could take pictures” or a general statement about what I should not be able to do. Again, I defy what people expect and that somehow makes people uncomfortable. And even in jest, calling me the blind girl is an example of “when you label me, you negate me” in action.   

In this second phase of my life it still hurts or angers me when people exit my life or make comments to somehow make me “less than” or place obstacles in my way to see if I will stumble. But, it is through that hurt and pain that I become empowered to do better and greater things. It is what propels me to take the risks I take and challenge myself in new ways. This year I will write my book, sing and drum with a band, complete some 10K races and a triathlon and dance with an adult contemporary dance troop, even though I have no formal training in dancing. And if I don’t do all that this year, then I will do some things next year. And if I fail in those things, so be it, at least I tried!

I am in a great place, even though things around me are sometimes terrible and tragic. In that place I am open to all possibilities and not knowing the next steps of my life is not really scary at all, but exciting. I can create what I want or just let the Universe do its work.  And it mostly does not feel scary being alone although I do wish there were more people in my life who I could have deep conversations with who are moving toward wholeness and authenticity and have integrity. One of the affirmations I am doing right now is allowing my need for integrity and authenticity to be met. For now I have a small circle of those I trust and that is fine.  And I know that I am a force of nature and I can be unstoppable, and for that I do not apologize. It was a long and hard road to get here and I am not going back. Onward and upward!

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock