March 30,2011-volume 23

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=eFLoii59aeo

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 23

This week I am sharing my experiences when, in what must have been desperation, I decided to try a little Internet dating site called EHarmony (which will be referred to in the rest of this blog as EHellmony). In the past 12 or so days I have learned some things about myself, and also about others who are active on the site.  But first………..

My WTF of the week is the fact I have actually decided to put my t-shirt line into production. Like I don’t already have enough other stuff to do. So now your job is to vote on the ones you would like to see available and possibly wear or give as a gift to your single friends and loved ones.  Do not post on my Facebook wall; shoot me an e-mail through Facebook or leave a comment on the blog page. List your top three choices. Your choices can be either in the BLOVI line or the casual relationship line. And you can even send me ideas about what colors the shirts should be. Another WTF is that my daughter has taken to watching a Christian channel on Saturday mornings, which is fine with me because the shows talk about bible stories and good things like sharing, forgiveness and mercy. And since I can’t see the TV so well, the obviously low budget production (or puppets) does not even bother me. But the funny part is that about 5 minutes after watching this whole show about forgiving and showing mercy, she snaps at me for bringing her the wrong fruit. To which I say that I am sorry and that she should forgive me for making a mistake. She counters with, “Mom that show is over”. So I guess to my five year old the concepts last about the length of the program.

This week I can’t get enough of my voice lessons and vocal warm-ups.  First here are the songs I picked to sing.  I was supposed to pick a few that were hard, a few that were slightly hard and a few that were easier.  That was a daunting task, given how much music I own and enjoy singing (badly in many cases). So I chose three songs from rock musicals (one from Spring Awakening and two from Hedwig and the Angry Inch), “Wonder” by Natalie Merchant, “Challengers” and “Adventures in Solitude” by The New Pornographers (cause I think I am Neko Case), and “My Favorite Book” by Stars. I really wanted to choose a Cat Power song, but all the ones I like to sing are a downer.  Then I let my daughter pick out a song for me to sing. So she comes up with “Let There be Peace on Earth”, a seminal    Catholic school song that I could never sing well.  It has killer high notes. So I told her there was no way mommy could sing that song and to prove it I sang it as badly as I could to convince her that she did not want to hear me practicing that EVERY DAY.  In the end she chose a Laurie Berkner song which is folky and easy to sing.  So I am working on the Spring Awakening song and Challengers now, and also doing cool vocal warm-ups where I sing zo, zo, zo and ze, ze, ze and ma, ma, ma.  And the coolest thing is if and when I get good, I already have a gig. My videographer said I could sing with his band and by putting that in my blog it means now he totally has to do it.

A short time ago I bit the bullet and signed up for EHarmony (AKA EHellmony). The daunting questionnaires took me two days to complete and asked like 500 close ended questions. These were supposed to be a personality assessment to come up with these dimensions they match you on and then you also answer questions about education, religion, occupation, drinking, smoking, wanting kids and how important your partner matches you in those aspects. I thought they were going to ask for a mouth swab for DNA and a hair sample to test for other things it was so thorough. Plus you had to answer all these open ended questions that go on your profile, like the most influential person in in your life and the last book you read and why you liked it. What they don’t have, and what I recommend, is that you have a place where your ex’s can write you recommendations.  I think I could get at least two of them. Here is the gist of what both would say, “Beth is a wonderful woman and was a fantastic partner, I just suddenly decided I did not want to be in a relationship, which had nothing to do with her.” I was confident that, given the detail, I would get some quality matches, even without recommendations.

So the next day I start going through my matches and in a WTF moment I realized two things immediately, most of them are over 50 and most are a flex match, not an exact match, also the majority do not live in Columbia (which is not such a bad thing).  And it gets better, there are some who occasionally smoke (which was a no way for me, unless you are Johnny Depp), and many are what I like to call bubba’s with pictures of their trucks, fishing with their camo hat on and even shooting guns.  It also has this sidebar section for the match where it says some of the things you have in common to talk about. There were many matches where the things we had in common were we liked cats and football. All those questions and I get men who like cats and football teams that I don’t even like (including NFC South Division rivals). I am sure we can build a relationship on those two things. How in the world did the EHellmony system spit these out?  Let’s just say most were a no go.

Another crazy aspect of EHellmony is that you can send these cheesy one sentence icebreakers and everyone sends a set of 5 "guided communication" multiple choice questions. There is a long list from which you can choose your five pre-packaged and sometimes truly bizarre questions instead of just sending an e-mail.  It is truly dating or having conversations for dummies or maybe for just really introverted people. Most men send the same questions and I have begun to know what their deal is based on the questions.  The guys that send questions about what would be a romantic evening and how affectionate you are in a relationship want to get some.  The guys that send questions about how much personal space you need, and how busy you, are and how busy your partner could be are really too busy to have a relationship.  The ones that send the questions about what makes you fear marriage and how your past relationships ended, coupled that in the open ended questions they say that they are looking for a partner who is honest probably got dumped or cheated on. The guys that send you questions about what exercise you like and travel and what you think is adventure are probably active and adventurous, so I don’t toss them out.

There is also a trend on EHellmony that guys think it is appealing to women if they show themselves with their kids, if they have them, or with their nieces or nephews or some other borrowed kids.  Over 90% of the guys have these types of pictures in their profiles.  I am assuming this is meant to signal to women that see I can be around kids and I am having fun with them. But if you put pictures of yourself with your kids on a dating site to get women, then I think you are just exercising poor judgment and your ex would probably be pissed if she knew this.

So here is my overall approach to EHellmony.  If I answer the guided multiple choice questions I do not choose any of the choices, Instead I clink the box where you can write in your own answer.  Why, because most of the answers are one dimensional and just stupid.  On the fifth question I add that I do not like the guided questions and won’t be sending back any because they are limiting and if they are interested in me I prefer an e-mail.  This means I have jumped from step 1 to step 4 (the EHellmony e-mail). And the guys can’t handle it. So far about a fourth of the guys have actually e-mailed me.  After one or two e-mail exchanges through EHellmony I give them my direct e-mail and in a few cases where they actually looked decent and seemed decent a phone number.  Bet you can guess how many have actually directly e-mailed or called-one, uno, 1 (out of a possible 65 matches).  This is because I think many of the people on EHellmony are not really serious about dating or they just don’t have the nerve to pull the trigger.  As my friend says they have one hand on the keyboard and another on well, an appendage. I have also just proved what they found in data on internet dating in Freakonomics, that women who are attractive educated or make too much money do not fare well on these sites.  So I guess you can be too attractive, too educated and hell maybe even too tall.  Up to this point I thought I was lucky to be all those. I think the Universe is telling me something because EHellmony kicks me off about every 5 minutes as if to say “no, no, you don’t belong here”. 

So what I have learned is that I am an ageist.  I was not interested in and could not see myself dating anyone over 50.  Even the guys in their late 40’s were borderline. I can date those guys when I am in my 50’s. Most of the guys that interested me were between 38 and 42.  I have a pattern of dating younger, so this fits.  I also realized I am not a fan of facial hair, especially the mustache. And, I will just admit it, I just can’t do overweight.  This horrifies me that even though I am legally blind I can still see enough of the pictures and read the descriptions to almost immediately chuck most of the guys EHellmony was sending.   If I say looks don’t matter I am lying.  The guys do not have to be super good looking, but they have to have some appeal.   I have also learned that I am bombing on EHellmony with people that have no clue I am legally blind.  I chose not to put that in my profile and have it come up later with people with whom I begin dialoguing. And that is also an issue for me, at what point do you bring it up or do you at all.  Should I go on the first date and announce it when I obviously can’t read the menu, or do I tell my story if we talk on the phone.  That is not something I have figured out.  But since no one is calling or e-mailing I may never have to deal with this. And if I do, I don’t see it as being a big deal.

I apologize to those who have found love on Internet dating sites and I am not saying that it cannot happen, because obviously it does. I believe all those commercials. And I think it works for some people. I also do not want to offend those who like bubba’s or facial hair. I say “to each their own”. These guys are just not my type, so I will leave them for you. My foray or perhaps folly in internet dating is over. That is, if they will give me back my money. If they don’t I will engage in a social experiment where I change some of the aspects about myself like education level, height and occupation, just for giggles. On to the next adventure!

Keep Moving Forward (and vote on the t-shirts),

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

March 23, 2011-Volume 22

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 22

This week in my blog I am going to talk about my ideas for two lines of t-shirts, one is a BLOVI Girl line and the other is a casual relationship line.  I want to also let you know that my blog has moved to http://www.theadventuresoftheblovigirl.blogspot.com/ or you can go on blogger.com and look it up. But first………………

My WTF of the week is this commercial I saw on TV that was advertising for a new non-stimulant medication for ADHD. Medication commercials are hilarious in general because they have to talk about all the side effects (my favorite’s reference stools). But this one is particularly funny. First they have a teacher talking about kids in the classroom who can’t focus or pay attention and then she says my child is one of those.  They know you are going to think that if a teacher would give this drug to her own kid, then it must be great. But the medications effects are what are fantastic. The first side effects are tiredness and fatigue, and being tired or sleepy is mentioned again later in the ad. . So instead of your child not being able to focus in class, they will just be asleep and drooling on the desk. Then they go on to say that people taking the drug should not drive or operate machinery.  That is a real bonus because who would want their 8 year old trying to drive a forklift.  Especially one with ADHD who is not paying attention at all to what he is doing. That could really cause some damage. It is so refreshing to see that we are again inventing new medications to make kids in the classroom manageable, this time by just knocking them out.  And hey, since it is a non-stimulant, those without ADD or ADHD can’t crush it up and snort it. There goes the extra money for downloading from ITunes or video games.

This week I can’t get enough of my new Flip video camera.  With my easy to use camera I can record and have videos up in a flash. My only complaint is that there should be an “over 40” lighting button you can press that puts that fuzzy halo of light around to soften things up. But, alas it does not so you just have to make sure you are well lit. I also have this cool tripod that is bendable and flexible. When I bought it the guy said you can wrap the ends around the limb of a tree above a birds nest and film the mother bird feeding her babies.  I was thinking, I don’t think that is the kind of wood that some people would think to wrap the tripod around for interesting angles, but I actually managed to not say that aloud. I decided to put more videos up on my YouTube Channel (LBDCoaching) when I realized that my promotional video had received almost 900 views. And you can get all these interesting statistics about who watched your video.  I was shocked to learn that the largest demographic viewing my video was males ages 13 to 17.  When my videographer asked how long I thought they watched the video, I said probably about two minutes. I should be proud; I have captured one of the primary groups targeted by the ad and movie industries. Still, it is a little creepy. So every week two new clips will be up; a coaching tip of the week and a video blog that is a short description of the BLOVI blog for that week.  The video blog will be on the BLOVIGirl YouTube site. I will try to change up my outfits, hair and backdrops so you don’t get bored. I also love my running socks. They really disturb other people, who have called them primitive and apelike. When I was running with a friend some people called out “here come the Vinrum ladies.  I kind of like that because I have been called much worse.

I am a big fan of the witty one liner.  So, many times I come up with things I would like to put on t-shirts (or mugs or underwear).  After watching Kathy Griffin I was reminded that she had some good t-shirts and if she could have them, why couldn’t I.  My first line of t-shirts will be the BLOVI girl line.  Of course I will have the ubiquitous “Team BLOVI Girl” as well as common sayings like “BLOVI Girls do it better”.  Here are some of my other t-shirts.

1)    If you can read this t-shirt, then I can see you

2)    I get BLOVI’d every week

3)    I am not groping you, it’s just my way of saying Hi

4)    Just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I can’t hear you

5)    Get out of my way, I can’t see sh*t

6)    I am visually impaired, what’s your excuse?

7)    I am a spotter for the BLOVI Girl, now turn around

8)    Now is your chance to lie about your looks

My second line of t-shirts is what I am calling my Casual relationship line. Since no one will approach me and I really don’t like texting or e-mail, I decided these t-shirts would be a quick and easy way to communicate my, and of course, your interests while in public places.  I guarantee they will be a conversation starter. I have also decided that at this stage in my life I am allowed to talk about having casual relationships and make no apologies for it. As we all know, “girls just want to have fun”. If you are easily offended or under the age of 18, I would stop reading here.  So, here are my t-shirts.

1)    I like you, just for tonight

2)    I have an early morning meeting

3)    I don’t want to be your Facebook Friend

4)    My friendship comes with an optional benefits package

5)    Please allow me to rock your world

6)    I like going “South of the border”

7)    I am skilled in the art of discretion

8)    First name only please

9)    Remember, your competition has Energizer batteries

10)  Looking for a gay husband

These are just a few of my ideas. Some of my friends came up with ones that were much more risqué, which makes me feel normal.  I also thought about some that could be specifically for men to wear with sayings like “I am willing to meet all your needs” and “I love to cook and clean”.  And because I actually think they would sell (BLOVI readers, get out your credit cards), I am going to have them made and for sale on the BLOVI blog site by next month.

Next week I will share my experiences trying out EHarmony. Let’s just say it won’t be pretty.

Keep Moving Forward,

Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

March 16, 2011-Volume 21

March 16, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 21
This week my blog focuses on what I can and cannot do as a legally blind person. I have had so many people ask me what I can see and how I do certain things, that I decided to share some of the things I can do and do well, as well as those things I just can no longer do. But first…..
My WTF of the week is a recording I heard that was made from a tape I made with my friend Leonore and my sister when we were 13, 12 and 10 respectively. Leonore, who I just reconnected with after over 20 years, found it and a DJ in Tampa actually played it on a radio show. Some background- we were all latchkey kids and it was the summer and we needed to find various ways to amuse ourselves and one of the ways we did so was making these tapes (for you youngsters I am referencing cassette tapes and a recording device for making those tapes). We used to do interviews and the Barbara Wa Wa show and go on rants about people we did not like. I can’t really talk about the other things we did to amuse ourselves because my mom reads this blog. So, Leonore and I listened to our 13 and 12 year-old selves on the tape and it was beyond funny and surreal. My 13 year old voice is the voice I have today, except that for some reason I sound like I am in a gang. The tape was made to send to our across the street neighbor, Chris, as he had just moved to Texas. So we are asking him what he is doing, had he gone to Gilley’s or had he had a Lone Star beer (the effect of the fact Urban Cowboy had recently come out) and apprised him of the latest gossip on the block. Leonore is saying how she is annoyed I did not go to her birthday at Adventure Island because I had to go to my eighth grade graduation. We are talking about making stained glass windows at her grandfather’s shop and mine has the initials of the first guy I kissed (which means we are dating). Then she and my sister get into some side fight. At one point in the tape I say “What the hell are you talking about?” and it is me, exactly me sounding like me now and saying something I say all the time. How little we change.
This week I can’t get enough of my Kindle and all the books I am reading. I am currently enamored with the books Freakonomics and Superfrekonomics. The authors apply economic theory and use data to answer really interesting, and sometimes bizarre questions, hence the use of freak in the title. I am a “what does the data say” freak myself who thinks regression analysis is sexy (they had me at spurious correlation). What is great is that they use data to look at things like the economics of prostitution and the Pimp effect, the gender gap in wages, and the gap in test scores for African American and white populations at the 1st and 3rd grades. And since I am a data driven, evidence-based kind of person I totally get it, but it will sure make people crazy who hold all these beliefs that are fear based or “popular wisdom”. They talk about the problem of people thinking correlation equals causation, something I have always talked about. The best thing is the application of data to random subjects such as the crime and crack epidemic and why crime rates dropped in the 90’s, cheating in sumo wrestling, the basis of altruism, and the characteristics of the best ER doctors. The only unifying theory is that people respond to incentives. I think most people should read these books. And I am also over the moon that my Top Chef crush, Richard Blaise, is in the finals. And did you see his wife on the show, they are both so super-competitive-love it!
Now a primer on the things I can and cannot do and how I do them. Some I just did right away, others I had to figure out.
1) I can exercise and I run in the street alone: Even though I was injured exercising, I still do it. And, gasp, I still use exercise bands, not the tube ones with handles, but the other kind. And I have taken up running. Because I have peripheral vision I can run in the street. I can see larger objects like cars and yard debris without running into them. What I can’t see are small rocks, so I have kicked a few. I recently purchased the running socks by Vibrum so my feet would be more in touch with the ground and I could spring off objects without rolling my foot. I bought the super bright hot pink and orange ones to enhance the ability of cars to see me running. So, if you see someone who has fallen wearing brightly colored running gloves (I think they look more like foot gloves) it is me and call for assistance. I will say it is hard getting your toes into the foot gloves, but I also heard this was tough for sighted people.
2) I can pick out outfits and get myself ready and still look good. I can pluck my eyebrows and put on eyeliner and mascara. Some people have told me that they can’t do this with sight, but I can do it without seeing my face in detail and I think I do my makeup well. I also blow dry and straighten my hair and can even put in my clip on hair extensions (obviously my hair did not grow from steroids, but I can say it is real human hair and I own it). I also know my clothes and can coordinate outfits. I have some problems with dark colors, but if I put something up against something else I know is black I can tell what color it is. Sometimes I have a slight problem with earrings so I usually have two choices and let whoever is driving me decide which look best.
3) I can learn lots of new things. I am taking salsa classes and learning the steps has not been a problem at all. I am taking voice lessons and just memorizing lyrics. I will also take drums and maybe piano because you don’t need sight for those. After that I may even live out my dream of having an all-girl band that is kind of a mix of Sleater-Kinney/L7/Bikini Kill/luscious Jackson/Tegan and Sara. All I will need is a bass player. I am also going to learn to rock climb (on an inside beginner wall) because I am imagining it is a strategic thinking endeavor, and also a feel around thing and I can manage to feel things that are sticking out. Plus I am afraid of heights but now when I look down I can’t see anything past 10 feet, so heights are no longer a problem.
4) I can cook and clean and maintain my house and fix things like a clogged sink and have also managed to use plumbers tape to stop a leak in my hot water heater. I snaked a toilet. It was probably good I could not see that well during the toilet episode. I have this fantasy that I am like Handy Manny and have a toolbox where the tools juts jump out and do all the work (while speaking a few words in Spanish). As for cleaning, sometimes I miss the smaller objects that build up in corners, but don’t we all. Cooking on a gas stove is easy because of the sound and the visible flame. I marked the rest of the appliances with raised dots so I can use them with ease. I tried to fake the not cooking for a while so people would bring me meals, but soon realized that picky eaters need to cook for themselves.
5) I am running my business and can use the computer, all its software, and other technology. I can also shop on the Internet, although it takes longer to scroll through the items because everything is blown up, so there are only three or four items on the screen at one time and I really have to work hard to see the detail in patterns or the size of something (maybe this is how I ended up buying such a skimpy bikini). Sometimes it takes me a minute to find the place where I need to sign in or hit continue or next. With practice I am getting better at navigating the web.
6) I can text and receive text messages (cause you know how much I love texting as a form of communication-NOT). The first time people text me I like to send out a text back to them that says-hey, brainiac, you just texted a blind person. But my phone reads the text messages aloud and tells me what I am texting. All the screens on my phone are talking so I know who is calling- no more need for individualized ring tones so I know when to ignore the phone. And as a blind person I get 411 for free, so I can look up numbers and I am really abusing that privilege.
7) I can still design and visualize a space and help people pick out things for their home. I use my peripheral vision and sense of form and shape and color and a sense of what things look like in my head. Right now I am conceptualizing a totally new bedroom for myself that I will design when I move with some dark gray walls and white furniture. Then I can say, would you like to see my graphic design concept in my bedroom as sort of a pick-up line (of course, I would never actually do that).
There were plenty of things I could not do when I was sighted (like knit), but there are a few things that I just cannot do as a legally blind person.
1) I cannot drive legally, but I can see enough to navigate the people who are driving me and in case of emergency I so think I could drive familiar streets. But since my prop car has a blown engine I don’t think that I will be making any grocery store chocolate runs. What most people don’t know is that I drove my car around the block a few times before I turned it in and I did fine. I even backed up into my driveway and most sighted people can’t seem to pull that one off.
2) I can’t ride a bike. When you are moving quickly on a bike it is like being in a car and you need to have central vision to see what is coming up in front of you. I had dreams of being able to trail someone and use a flashing helmet and signs to let people know I was coming, but I really don’t think it is safe.
3) I can’t recognize people at a distance or tell if someone is smiling at me or looking at me. When I go out, if I don’t say Hi to you it is because I can’t see well enough to know who you are, so you will have to approach me. I am not blowing you off; I just cannot tell who you are. People have to get within about 2 feet of me and preferably a little to the side so I can use my peripheral vision to recognize them and sometimes I also use the voice. When I go out I use what I call “spotters” to help me know when people are looking at me or smiling at me so I know when to look at people back. Although I need better trained spotters because they are usually so busy people watching they forget I need some help. I also use my spotters to assess how good looking people are. I can tell when people are super-hot or super not, but everyone else looks the same, which is a good thing. But I can’t tell at all how people are reacting to me and I guess sometimes I care about that and sometimes I don’t. Soon I will be writing a training manual for my spotters so as to increase their performance. I will also be using incentives so that they actually get someone to approach me or manage to help me avoid offending too many people.
4) I can’t pick up a book, even a large font one, and read it. With my 6X reading glasses I can read font at about 20 or 22 points. Most written material is at 12 points. And when I do try to read with the super magnifiers I have a little double vision. The computer and my portable Pebble and CCD TV work better, but they are just not convenient.
Overall I find I am more daring and willing to try new things. In a way, I think that I have had my one big freak accident, so I am done. I sometimes will get in the middle of things and think, maybe this is not such a good idea, but I usually end up grabbing some glasses to protect my eyes and keep going. I think at the core of it all is that I have remained true to myself and have tried to live my life no differently than I did before. This does not mean I have not had to make changes, it just means that for the most part I have carried on with my life and work and in many ways have become more resourceful, stronger and take myself even less seriously than I did before. I called this blog the adventures of the BLOVI because life is an adventure and each day brings challenges, but it is in those challenges that I continue to grow and learn. So to you I say that you never stop learning and growing and you can do and take on anything, no matter your age, no matter your abilities. As Nike says “Just Do It” and live without fear of failure or of looking stupid.
1. Next week, I may talk about a concept I have for a t-shirt line, my experiences filming videos for my YouTube channel and how I plan to get on Oprah’s new network.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

March 9, 2011-Volume 20

March 09, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 20
This is the blog I am, not supposed to write. The things I am not supposed to say about what happened when my ability to parent was challenged and I ended up in the family court system. But I am writing it anyway, because it is all truth and all part of public record in Richland County (expedited court order number 10DB403665). The things I am referencing are documents you could request and read. I am not using any names, to protect the guilty, but I am quoting those public documents, as well as sharing my insights about what is wrong with the family court system and my advice for others who are in or may end up in it. I am telling only part of this story. Much went on prior to my accident and all discussions that are not part of public record are not discussed in this blog
My accident occurred on July 24, 2010. Om August 25, 2010 I was served with an order for an emergency and expedited hearing because the Plaintiff requested he be granted temporary custody of our child based on the fact I was legally blind and required third parties to care for both myself and for the minor child. The court granted this hearing, to occur on September 3, 2010. The order stated, in several places, that the defendant is unable to care for herself and must rely upon third parties to assist with activities of daily living. It also states that I would be undergoing several surgeries with an undetermined period of recovery. The order states that I did not inform the Plaintiff of my injuries after the accident and in fact tried to keep the extent of my injuries secret. It also states that my child was being cared for by third parties, some of who were known and some of whom were unknown to the Plaintiff. In sum, it states that given my inability to care for myself and the time and energy needed to recover from upcoming surgeries that I would not have the time, energy or ability to be a single parent. The order asked the Court to give the Plaintiff custody of the minor child until the defendant had achieved “maximum recovery”, that he be relieved of paying any child support while the minor child was in his residence, that pre-trial discovery be allowed and they be granted access to all medical records and that a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) be appointed.
The only truth in the order (and the affidavit included in it) was that I had an accident and was legally blind, the rest was untrue. At that time the nature and extent of surgeries was unknown, but it was known that they would be outpatient and maybe one or two would occur. It goes without saying that within a week after I was released from the hospital, I was caring for both myself and my child, and receiving some assistance in meals and of course, transportation. And since I was on the news on August 12, I don’t think I was trying to hide anything from anybody. What you should know is that, according to several lawyers with whom I spoke, including the one I hired, that there is no such thing as temporary custody. If you are sued for a temporary change in custody and it is granted, then the Plaintiff usually motions for permanent custody, which then the court is likely to grant. There were many inconsistencies in the order as to when the Plaintiff knew of my injuries, what was known and other information. But, the Court found there was sufficient evidence for a hearing to be granted. And when this happens and you are the defendant then you are in the position of doing just that—defending yourself and refuting all the claims made against you. In this system, you are guilty until proven innocent.
After receiving the order I had one week to gather affidavits, signed and notarized statements from people who could both refute the claims made and attest to my ability to parent, my parenting skills and character as a person in general. In that week I managed to secure 26 affidavits consistently refuting each accusation made by the Plaintiff. The affidavits included statements from my doctors, the head of the SC Federation of the Blind on the ability of blind parents to be stable and loving parents, as well as the statement of an expert witness who had testified in similar cases as to the ability of blind parents to provide care the same as sighted parents. When I went into my emergency court hearing, armed with all the affidavits refuting everything in the order and saying that I was not only caring for myself, but for my child and doing it well, I thought it was going to be case closed with no evidence to proceed. And I could not have been more wrong.
What you should know is that the emergency or expedited hearing is a formality to begin the court process. The judge receives the affidavits about 10 to 15 minutes before the hearing so there is no time for them to be read. It is a perfunctory hearing where a Guardian is appointed to determine if you are fit to parent and retain custody. So, at this point we know 1) a person can make false claims and submit a document that contains glaring inconsistencies in those claims and numerous untruths and a judge will still sign it and send you into the court system, and 2) there is really no way to refute those claims with evidence because it is not read or considered before or during the expedited hearing. At this point, in a way, I am still guilty.
After the hearing, I voluntarily handed over my medical records, even though later a motion was filed in the court to obtain those same records. The GAL was given 6 to 8 names of people to interview (these were never done) and also conducted an interview and home visit with each parent. What you should know about the GAL process is that you have to pay a retainer up front. Mine was 1500 (which I had to borrow). I have no clue what people who cannot afford this do because you are ordered to pay before the GAL starts working. The judge ordered that a report be issued by the GAL within 30 to 45 days of the date of the expedited hearing. This did not happen; the report was issued 74 days after the hearing. There are some things you need to know about GAL’s. According to several people with whom I spoke, lawyer GAL’s in the State of South Carolina that work outside the Department of Social Services system do not have to receive ANY training in order to be a guardian. In addition, there is no accountability in the system when the GAL does not issue a report in the time constraints ordered by the judge. Lastly, if the judge does not ask for a recommendation by the GAL, then none are made in the report. Our report generally stated that I was fit to parent.
After the GAL said I was a fit parent the rest of the process was about two issues, control and money. The Plaintiff began a process of requests for changes to the original order of divorce. In the end, after almost 7 months, 7500 in legal fees and 2500 in GAL fees (these were just my costs) the changes made to the order of divorce included (and this is also part of public record, filed on March 2, 2011) that the Plaintiff does not have any obligation to pay for physical therapy, extracurricular activities or private school for the minor child. However I must consult and confer with the Plaintiff about any extracurricular activities and any physical therapy in which the minor child is enrolled. It was also agreed that the Plaintiff would pay no additional child support per month. No additional visitation or time with the minor child was requested. The two weeks of summer vacation placed as a change in the order was already in the original order. The Plaintiff was also required to pay 3000 toward my legal fees.
So, I stood in front of a judge and agreed that all this was fair for me and our child. But the truth is there is no fairness in the family court system and there are no winners, nor does there appear to be any accountability. There is no one really doing things that are in the best interest of the child. I am also confused as to why matters that did not pertain to my ability to parent, which was the nature of this litigation, were even allowed to be put on the table. The answer is that once you are in the system, all bets are off and everything is open to negotiation. I agreed to something I did not think was fair because I needed the litigation and legal fees to end, and I could not convince the Plaintiff that we needed to discuss and agree to changes outside of the system. I needed this to stop to protect my child and to move forward. And I needed this to stop because the lies and accusations were just going to continue and I could not expend any more energy defending myself. After our March 2 hearing the opposing counsel actually thanked me for being so agreeable. I was not actually agreeable in this matter, just rational and absolutely fed up.
What I have learned is that it is best, at all costs, to stay out of the family court system. Try and negotiate with the other side and end things as quickly as possible. Put all your anger and ego and whatever else to the side and do what is in the best interest of your child. If you cannot avoid the system and are dragged into it, as I was, know and have faith that if you tell the truth then in the end it will be OK. Control your anger (or if you need to vent leave rants on your lawyer’s voice mail as I did) and act rationally in a system which seems and is irrational. And choose your battles wisely. Continually ask yourself if haggling over something is worth the time, expense and energy. Push for resolution through dialogue or mediation and get it over with as quickly as you possibly can, learning and paying attention to the fact that what you can control is only how you respond. Read everything several times and ask questions. Some lawyers play games and try to slip things in that have huge consequences because they think that you will miss them or that you won’t understand the legal jargon. Be educated, aware and attentive at all times. And by all means, stand up for yourself and for your child and do it with strength and grace, but know when it is better to fold.
Lastly, I want to say that I am an educated white woman who is assertive and had to be sharp, attentive, and have money (albeit donated or loaned) to mount a defense. I do not know how those without money get justice in this system or how they can mount a competent and consistent defense. I am also saddened by the fact that this case took up time in a system where there are cases that need to be heard and children that need to be protected. I feel that my case should have never ended up in this system and when it did it should have been quickly resolved.
I want to thank my lawyer for waiving over 2500 of his fees and for the support of my family and friends throughout this process. I want to thank those who donated and loaned me the funds to defend my ability to parent and those who wrote me the affidavits. I could have not made it through without all this.
Next week I am back to my usual blog format and will have some funny stories about my new adventures in salsa and voice lessons and reconnecting with a childhood friend.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

March 2, 2011- Volume 19

March 02, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 19
This week the focus of my blog is on my cataract surgery and the things I found strange and funny about the experience. Consider it a primer if you ever have to have a cataract removed.
Both my parents drove me to the surgery center and when we were sitting in the waiting room the person at the counter motioned for me to come up and fill out some paperwork for my mother because she assumed that she was the one having the surgery. So I looked at my mom and said “I guess you look older than Dad”, which I am sure she appreciated. When I am called back I race to the door fast before my parents ask if they can come with. Once in the pre-op room the nurse takes my health and medical history, and because I am younger than your average cataract surgery patient (e.g., the man in the area next to me had been married for 61 years), she kept apologizing for the questions. Some examples, “do you have partials or dentures”, “have you had hip or knee replacement” and “do you have a pacemaker”. Then she takes my vitals and begins to look for a being for the IV. This prompts my, what I call, detailed description of my problem veins. So the story is that I have tiny veins that both roll and blow. One time I had to be stuck 6 times to get an IV started. My average stick is 3 times. I share my extensive knowledge of how to successfully work with my substandard vascular system. Which can be summed up as left arm is better, veins will roll, use the smallest needed you have and after two unsuccessful sticks, call the vampire. She got the vein in one stick and gave me credit because the vein rolled and she was prepared for it. I also related to her that I was fully cognizant during my last eye surgery and was asking lots of questions during the procedure, so if they wanted me to be quiet they need to ramp up the sedatives much like if they were drugging a large animal.
As I chillaxed in the pre-op area listening to the conversations of the nurses I was asked if I wanted my parents to come back and sit with me. I communicated that in order to remain relaxed I needed them to remain in the waiting room and to tell them, if they asked any questions, that no family members were allowed in the pre-or post-op area, because that is what I had told them. An interesting thing is that is in pre-op they do lots of things to avoid potential lawsuits. I was asked about 15 times what eye was being operated on and they actually took a marker and wrote above the eye. At that time I had no clue what it was, but I did inquire about the permenancy of the marker. When the nurse anesthetist came in and I was again telling her to up the drugs another nurse realized I was under 55 and started to ask me more questions like was there a possibility I was pregnant and if I had a hysterectomy or tubal ligation. “No to all the above” I said. But self-report of no sex plus an IUD was not good enough to keep me from having a pregnancy test. So, at the last moment, I was told to get them about 15 drops. As I sat there counting the drops I was hoping that there could have been some reason I could possibly be pregnant. When the nurse announced that the test was negative she said, “No miracle pregnancies today”.
Then Dr. Huff, my cataract doc, saunters in asking where my parents are because he wanted to talk to them before the procedure and he seemed somewhat baffled they were not there. I communicated that they were in the waiting room and fed him the party line about pre-op prohibitions. I have to spend a minute on Dr. Huff because he is so darn cute and tall and has a great voice. Even my parents are impressed with his good looks. I may be visually impaired but I can spot a handsome man, make that a handsome married man. From him I learned that I was number 8 of the 9 surgeries he was performing before lunch and that while he was checking in on me patient 7 was on the table waiting for him. I told him he better not be worn out and he said “no, now I am just really awake”. Good thing for me. I also warned him about my inability to stay quiet during a procedure and asked him what music he would be playing because I did not think I could get through another 80‘s hair band experience. No worries, he would be playing Steve FM, which plays a wide variety of songs, both in genre and decade.
Back in the surgery room they prep me by placing some oxygen in my nose. This is so I do not suffocate when they place the draping over my whole head and face, cutting a small hole over the left eye. Of course lots of drops start going in; saline, numbing and mercurochrome, which is that same yellow stuff they paint on you when you’re getting cut open. Note that the only thing that numbs you during eye surgery are topical drops, nothing through the IV, which is a little freaky. Then I am told to look into the light and the procedure begins. And guess what, I am not at all sedated, so when the nurses start playing name that tune or artist with Steve FM I cannot help but get into the match. I mean this is my forte. So, when the nurses cannot decide if a song is actually REO Speedwagon, I blurt out from under the plastic it is REO Speedwagon. And when they have no clue who is singing a song I blurt out again it is Dido and I have to say it twice because they do not hear me. And for that brief moment I lose concentration and forget to look into the light and Dr. Huff is not at all pleased because he is doing microsurgery and my eye starts moving around-so he tells me to stop it and keep looking at the light. A familiar voice was also present during the surgery, the machine with the woman’s voice that kept saying cutting, “cutting, during” my last surgery. This time she did not say as much, but the machine emitted a strange cacophony of sounds that eerily sounded like the Theremin music you hear in old horror movies. I think they need to make a CD of eye surgery machine music. I really should have asked what that piece of equipment was called. But I was afraid to say anything else during the procedure and I was concentrating on not singing when a Kool and the Gang song came on. I even managed to keep my mouth shut when he asked the nurse to go get him a CTR to put in my eye.
As they were wheeling me out I immediately said “what is a CTR”, which they explained was a capillary tension ring to hold the lens in place. Then the nurse commented that I did not seem at all sedated. Back in post op I was offered a beverage and crackers so I indulged in a Coke and graham crackers. I was really enjoying the moment when the nurse came in and said she had to bring my parents back so she could explain the discharge and eye drop instructions. So I say that I will be doing the drops (I am a professional eye drop administrator), so she could just tell those things to me. But no, she said they HAD to come back because I had been sedated and they had to have someone else sign the papers with the instructions (another avoiding a lawsuit procedure), so they came back and heard about the drops and within 5 minutes I was out of there, just in a little pain and with a clear shield over my eye, and as I later learned, a big letter H above my left eye. I also left with two implant cards, one for the lens and another for the CTR. So I ask what they are for and do I have to carry then with me when I traveled, because I assumed this was a TSA thing. I say, will they help me to avoid the full body scan, to which my dad says many women (and he is including me in this) may enjoy it because it is the most action they have gotten in a while. HAHA. But now I am thinking about implants in general and if other people who have other types of implants have to carry this card to tell the world; parts of me are fake and I have the card to prove it.
So, cataract surgery is a breeze and there is not a lot of pain and discomfort afterward. If your lens becomes opaque, by all means have it taken out and replaced with a nice shiny new one. But here is what is interesting, I am, not really seeing much better, just seeing again the damage to my retina and, I am just now realizing, my cornea. There is more light coming in, but in that light I can see how strange my left eye sees. There is a strange refraction to the light and the image is somewhat distorted like I am seeing something reflected in a sphere. When I had the accident my cornea was basically squashed from its round shape into a bullet and even though it bounced back and reshaped itself, it is still not the right shape. My hope is that my brain begins to adjust. I am assuming it will.
Coming next week, the blog on my custody battle. Now that it is over I am going public with the details and my take on the family court system. Juicy!
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

February 16, 2011-Volume 18

February 16, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 18
This week I have decided to talk about the insights I have about why people are afraid to be around me and how this has continued to affect my friendships. I will also talk about my emerging feelings about not being afraid to die and how this has changed me. But first………………….
My WTF of the week is how my daughter has decided to use what she has learned in her Sunday school class (she goes with Daddy’s family to an Episcopalian church) as justification for why I am not the boss and can’t make any rules in our home. Here is how she does it. According to my child, God is in her heart and tells her what she can do and this means that mommy cannot tell her what to do. God has also told her that she should do what she wants like watch TV, and if I say no I am not doing what God wants her to do. So I tell her that God can help her to make good choices, but parents make the rules in the home and God also says to obey your parents. To this she scoffs, “Mommy that is not what we learned”. The point here is that it is no use to argue with a precocious just turned 5 year old, because you will lose or be talking a long time (and then asking yourself why you are trying to have a philosophical discussion with a five year old). I know what is coming next—the God told me to do it excuse.
This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I have been adopted by the Presbyterians, even though I was not a member of their church. I have done work at Eastminster Presbyterian in their career group, so they knew about me and decided to give me a care team. Every week someone from the care team calls me and asks me what I need for that week, which is always rides. I thank them for being so gracious and caring. Funny thing is that I revealed I was a lapsed Catholic and I did have some problems with Calvin’s doctrine on predetermination or predestiny, which I thought was a cornerstone of the faith. To which they said, “Oh we never talk about that”. So I am going to try out the church and cross my fingers my daughter will not use the Sunday school teachings to rule our home (wishful thinking). I am also thrilled that Bravo finally wised up and did a Housewives of Miami series. I am sure that you can’t throw a rock 10 feet without hitting a potential candidate for the show. I have not paid much attention to the previews, but there has to be some Latinas and I am sure everyone looks fabulous. This also means there will be tons of drama, lots of gesturing and some good fights with everyone speaking as fast as my computer at full speed. Finally, something I can relate to. I am somewhat glad that I cannot see the detail on the TV because I know they will be eating tons of delicious Spanish and Cuban food that will make me long for home, because I can’t get that here in Columbia, SC. Although, I did have a good empanada once.
Lately I have been trying to figure out why I can’t get people to return my phone calls or e-mails when I try to arrange outings or play dates with my child, or just lunch or dinner with friends on the two weekends a month I am alone. I maybe have 4 people who return my calls out of 10 to 12 people I approach. I talked about this with two of my friends who I see the most regularly and they talked about the fact that it is hard for some people to be around me and my situation because it terrifies or is scary to them, because what happened to me could have happened to them. One of my friends said it was difficult for her to be around after the accident because it was so scary, but because she is grounded and stable she was able to be present through that fear. It may be that if you are struggling with your own issues or cannot be present and let fear guide your decisions, you may not make the decision to be around me. At first I think I blamed myself-am I too needy now, is it because my life is so different. I went from being fiercely independent and asking for nothing to now having to ask for things like rides. But my friends helped me to see that I really do not ask for much except for wanting to get together and spend time. So, I have concluded that everyone is busy and has their own lives and for some, I just cannot make it easy enough for them to spend time with me or with us. It is not my job to make things easy for others. And I did not ask for any of the chaos in my life. So if people cannot deal with it, then it is what it is and my work is to accept and forgive them.
As my surgery approaches next week, and once again I was asked if I had a living will, I have been thinking about the end of life and how I feel about it. One thing I know is that I do not want any extraordinary means done to keep me alive, unless it is to harvest my organs. No machines or feeding tubes, and as my dad says, just get the marker and write DNR across my chest. I have also come to the realization that I am not afraid of death. I think this is because of two things, one is that I feel that I have accomplished much in my life and I feel good about what I have done and second it is because I have no clue about what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I will actually get new retinas or if I will lose all of my vision. I do not know if I will have a partner or be able to accomplish some of the things I had thought about before the accident. Right now I live from day to day and don’t think much about the future. Because of this I don’t have a fear of life being cut short or taking me away from some big plans. I am not saying that I would not want to be around to see my daughter grow up and have a career and a family of her own-of course I want to be around for that. What I am saying is that I am not afraid of dying. Maybe there is a darker reason for it. I think there is a third reason and that reason is that I am really tired. But, having the chance to eventually take a vacation and have some alone or down time will remedy that. I think that the weariness we feel sometimes feels like depression. But I am not depressed. I am rationally tired and weary, and sad sometimes, but for good reasons. So, I have given myself the permission to sometimes think about how it would be nice to leave my life for a while and just take a break. And really, don’t we all need that sometimes.
Next week the blog will be on hiatus because I am having cataract surgery on my left eye. The cataract has opaqued very quickly because of the trauma, so my peripheral vision should improve after the surgery. No more snow globe. Hopefully my super thin retina will hold up and they can save my natural lens. I will be back the next week blogging about the surgery and the results. I am just hoping this doctor does not listen to 80’s hair band music during the surgery. I am not sure I can get through that without making a snarky comment.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

February 9, 2011-Volume 17

February 09, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 17
This week, in honor of Valentine’s Day, my blog will focus on what I have learned about romantic relationships from my parents and my patterns, and how strange I find the world of dating now. But first……….
My WTF of the week is why people who are out at bars, clubs or other events are interacting more with their phones than with each other, and why texting and e-mailing has become a method for courting each other (including sending nude pics or pics of body parts). Has phone play become foreplay? I can tell, even with my vision, that people are sitting at bars playing with their phones. Sometimes there are a row of them, their screens flashing like a row of landing strip lights. And I wonder, can’t you just stay at home and do that? What ever happened to people-watching or actually talking with and meeting people. I also don’t understand how people can build relationships through texting or e-mailing. Written communication is so devoid of emotion and hey, what happened to verbal dialogue. And the oddest thing is the practice of people texting or e-mailing provocative photos. Is seeing your private pars supposed to make me like you? If there is going to be no dialogue, I have an even simpler method of communication. When I was at the Staples they had a red button that said “That was easy” in the same voice as Paul (this is the name of my computer voice). My assistant was holding it at her waistline when she hit the button to make it talk, so I told her that was not a good location to have a talking “That was easy” button. But it gave me an idea. There are only three buttons you need to engage in any conversation and this way you don’t have to talk or even type, so the most minimal effort is needed. My three buttons would say “how disappointing”, “that’s great” and “I have to go now”. These three phrases allow you to react to all positive and negative information and then allow you an exit when you get bored. You could make the buttons small so that they fit in a pocket or purse. Soon you may see me on QVC selling these things by the thousands.
This week I can’t get enough of my new blind person white cane. After months of waiting to get the training I, after three sessions, was presented with my own 50 inch cane. The parts of the cane (I was quizzed on this) are the grip, shaft, and tip; and the shaft is reflective so it kind of glows in the dark and a glowing shaft is very impressive. The cane folds up and it has that mechanism like in kids pop up tents where when you start to release it from the confines of the rubber band and pop the grip in, it all pops out-again it is amazing that the cane can obtain its full length so quickly. And not only that, but the quick release action means I can carry out my sinister plan of “accidently” hitting people with my cane. I learned how to find and walk around walls and how to put my arm out for blocking in case I walk into something and how to pick up things without leaning over and hitting my head. Because I have peripheral vision I can do all these things without the cane, but I quickly realized that all the things I was learning would be great for people who were drunk. I may teach some classes. The scanning the chair technique I was taught would allow me to grope people with no recourse. I could just say I was making sure the seat was clear before sitting, in which case I would have ended up on their lap.
So, now onto my take on romantic relationships and what I was taught about them by my parents. My parents divorced when I had just started the first grade. The messages I got from my mom about men was that they were not to be trusted or relied upon. Therefore I needed to be educated and have a profession so I could support myself, because there was really no reason to need a man. Parts of that message led me to seek higher education, but I was still interested in men. Growing up I saw my dad very little and after age 13 I saw him only a few times over the next 20 years. My dad not being a part of my life reinforced that men were unreliable and that they leave. When I had my daughter my dad came back into my life and after the accident he began to come to help me every week.
So, in my forties I had the first opportunity to know him. What is interesting is that my dad and I have been mistaken for a couple on several occasions (another WTF), maybe because we don’t really look alike and, according to Dad, he looks very young for his age. The last incident sums it up. We were paying at the line in a restaurant when the guy behind the counter asks my dad if he would like a customer loyalty card, to which he replies, “no thank you, I am not that loyal”. So the guy says, “do you think you should be saying that in front of your wife”. In horror I say, “actually, I am his daughter and I can attest to the fact he is not loyal and thanks for the psychological damage you just caused”. My new plan is to say “you wouldn’t think I was with him if you saw what he drives” or I may need an “I’m with my dad” t-shirt. But the most surprising fact is that now that I know my dad, I realize I have been choosing partners that are versions of him. This realization shocked me. In a nutshell, I have had a pattern of dating men who are emotionally immature and/or shut down and who don’t have the capacity to give of themselves, some because they were self-focused and others because they were dealing with their own demons. The men have been different in many ways, but in these ways they were the sane. What has changed, over time, is that I have chosen to be with men who are more decent and who have a core of good qualities. In my late teens and early 20’s I was with men who physically or emotionally abused me. After that I can say I did not make that choice again. Instead, I chose men who were not very emotional at all, but more passive and conflict avoidant.
In making these choices I carried out what I was taught about men. I chose men who were unreliable, unavailable and absent (and some who were just mean). Why would I expect them to be any different and why did I think I deserved more-this was my reality. Admittedly, it took years of therapy to figure all this out. And I am as equally as responsible as my parents because I did not have the self-worth or confidence that would have stopped me from trying to fix or giving my all to these men who did not or could not give back. But now, I am DONE with choosing these types of men. And I am patiently waiting for something both different and extraordinary. In my February newsletter I talked about Kathy Freston’s new book on soul mates. In it she says to “focus on fulfilling yourself with meaningful work and friendships. Your passion will draw to you the right situation, so you need not go looking for anything”. And that is what I am doing with an open heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

February 3, 2011-Volume 16

February 03, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 16
This week and next I will be writing about relationships. This week I am going to talk about how I am clearing out the people in my life that are a drain on my energy and what I have discovered about the importance of having reciprocity in relationships. But first……………..
My WTF of the week is why people who are the least willing to be actively supportive are the ones who are full of the most praise and admiration for me. Oddly enough, when people say things like” you are so brave” or “you will overcome anything” or “you will inspire people” or “you are so resilient and have things figured out” it annoys me. I don’t have a problem with people who come to my talks or with whom I work saying these things, but it is different when it comes from people who are your friends or family. I think what it translates to me, is that, you will be OK so I don’t have to do anything to support or help you. In social relationships I expect people to be more authentic and to ask me about how I am adapting. Or how I am doing or if there is anything I need. In the end, I am no different than anyone else. I have really bad days. The reason I move forward is because I am a single mom who is self-employed and I have no choice but to do so. But it is a fantasy to think that I can pull everything off on my own. I need the help and support of friends, because the last time I checked I was not wearing some superhero cape.
This week I cannot get enough of the fact that the latest version of the Kindle reads aloud to you. After months of suffering through long waiting lists to get not even the most recent audiobooks , paying through the nose to get the CD’s or having to put the laptop in my bed next to me to listen to books I had downloaded, I finally have an option that will be more portable where I can get the newest releases. And since there is somewhat of a gift giving day approaching as well as my surgery, I am sure I can get my mom and dad to split the cost of it. Especially since the two things I asked for at Christmas that would have made my life a lot easier never appeared. Love ya, parents!
I have been thinking a lot about relationships in the past few weeks. When I was writing my newsletter for February, it being the month of love, I decided to talk about how the quality of your relationships really has the biggest effect on the quality of your life. This is a conversation I have been having recently because I have been disappointed in some people who I thought were my friends. I am beginning to really see the differences between people who are full and people who are empty. Those that are full have the capacity to be givers, and those that are empty are the takers. As I have spoken about, after my accident some people disappeared and self-selected to not be part of my life. Now I am in a phase where I am being proactive about who I want in my life and who I do not. I am cleaning house.
Some have said that when you change your life your friends will change and it is also true that when life changes you, your friends should change. Now, I am beginning to identify which relationships drain my energy and which people are takers. I need these people to be out of or at the periphery of my life. So far clearing these people from my life has brought me a sense of relief and a sense of lightness. By clearing them out, I am clearing the space for people who are full and giving to be part of my life.
I, in my more vulnerable state, need relationships that have reciprocity. I am not sure that I recognized that I had a need for this before the accident, because I felt so independent and did not feel comfortable asking for my needs to be met. It may have seemed like I could handle everything and I had no problem in giving without receiving. What this means, for me now, is that I always have to be sure that I am full and have something to give and that I am always aware that I am engaging in reciprocity with others. It may sound selfish, but I think we all owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with people who can give and be supportive when it is needed.
Next week is my special Valentine’s Day blog where I discuss my thoughts on romantic love.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

January 26, 2011-Volume 15

January 26, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 15
This week I am going to talk about the things that energize me and make me feel most like myself. I am also going to talk about my struggle with religion and going back to church, even though things have been put in my path directing me toward a church. But first………..
My WTF of the week is why my long hair failed miserably when I went out. Bottom line—hair was tested out in 5 bars/clubs and no one and I repeat no one approached me. I trusted The Millionaire Matchmaker and those I asked before I went out when they agreed that guys prefer long hair. But there is a possible explanation. Even though I invited several women to go along they all bailed and I ended up going out with a guy friend. I did not think this was a problem because let’s just say we have the same taste in men. But obviously people thought we were a couple. This never happens to the Housewives. So all night we mused on why no one was approaching us because we made an effort to look good. He kept telling me that we were getting looks, but since I can’t see any of that it is not very reinforcing. And of course he mentions that not getting approached NEVER happens to him. So I tried to shift the blame on him for looking too straight. In the end we had a great time because he is one of the coolest people I know and one of my best friends. Next time I rock the long hair I am going out with the girls. And if my experiment fails I will then know I am somehow repellant.
This week I can’t get enough of the success of our women’s event this past Saturday. We had 77 women attend and the crowd was very diverse in age and race. We really strived to have a diverse group because that is something that does not always happen here in South Carolina. The energy was great and I got the chance to meet interesting women. If the preparation was not so intensive I would hold these all the time. It is good to see and feel the sisterhood of women coming together and sharing their stories, knowledge and wisdom. When I meet all sorts of women it confirms to me that women hold up the world with their ability to care and nurture with strength, courage and perseverance.
Last week when I was planning for the women’s event and another talk I realized how much speaking in front of groups is important to me because not only do I like to hear myself talk but it makes me feel completely normal. By that I mean that I can talk in front of groups and no one knows I am visually impaired. I make eye contact, even though it erases all the heads and I feel less inhibited because I cam not really tell how people are responding. Because of this I rely on others to give me feedback, which I did not do before the accident. And I have found that people are much more positive in their feedback than I was when I judged my own performance. I was also really nervous before my talk at the women’s event, the most nervous I had been in many years. I mean sick to my stomach, having to take deep breaths and people asking me if I was OK nervous. I was talking about my accident in public for the first tine and the whole talk was so personal. I think it made me feel vulnerable and maybe a little afraid. But when another presentor shared her personal story right before my talk, I knew I could do the same and I became calm. I realized that this new vulnerability and engaging in dialogue about how I am received has made me more open and in a way softer. Before the accident, as a professional, and even in personal relationships, I closed myself off and presented as a person who was unflappable. But the truth is, I have faults and failures and some days I feel incompetent and unsure of myself. Now, I can be more authentic about that and I think it makes me more real.
The other thing that energizes me and makes me feel normal is being around people that I like and spending time talking about topics that have nothing to do with all the battles I am fighting right now. Sometimes I just want to listen, or to talk about the mundane or Bravo TV or what the heck did Jake Gyllenhall see in Taylor swift. The entire weekend one of my BFF’s was here we did not talk about any of the things going on in my life, we just gossiped about others and talked about art and music and religion and it was awesome. It was me following my own rule to not let my disability or life get in the way of having fun or letting it define me.
Speaking of religion, I think God may be calling me to attend church. Or maybe she is just whispering. I am a lapsed Catholic with 12 years of Catholic school under my belt. As an adult organized religion and I parted ways, even though I sought God and answers all along the way. I have read books on all sorts of religions; eastern and western, traditional and mystic. And I have attended many different types of churches. In what I call my comparative religions study I found more similarities than differences across religions and in that I knew there was a higher power at work in our world. And that was all I needed to know. The rest was that I live my life trying to make the world a better place, speaking the truth, giving of myself and treating people with respect and kindness. But then the universe and life kept kicking my butt and I started to think that I was the perfect example of “when bad things happen to good people”. I know now that I am missing something, I am just not sure what that something is. I vacillate from being really angry at God (I call this the “bring it on” talk), asking her to show me possible paths and begging for forgiveness. And in my path come people that are calling me to attend church. So now I am trying to decide on a church and a faith. Back to my tour of local churches and paying attention to what feels right. The last time I did this, 10 years ago, I ended up back at the Catholic Church, maybe because it felt familiar. I think this time the familiar may not be the answer. I think the answer may be to keep seeking God and that is what I am doing.
Keep moving forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock

January 19, 2011-Volume 14

January 19, 2011 -- Posted by: Beth

The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 14
This week I am in the midst of preparing for two talks, so the blog will be short and will focus on some insights I have had during that preparation time.
I have decided since I am working on letting go of anger, that I will have no WTF of the week and have two “I can’t get enough of” topics. The first thing I can’t get enough of is my new prop car. Once I turned my car back in the driveway was left empty and my family was overly concerned that the house would look empty because there would be long periods where there was no car, especially every night. Of course, this would lead to possible attempted break-ins that could not be thwarted by my alarm system or my guard cat, Bruini. So, I decided to call the head of the Cooperative Ministry because I knew they had a car donation program to see if they had any cars that were too far gone to recondition to be drivable. And boy did they come through. David and Tricia found me a gold Dodge Intrepid whose engine was blown and had it towed into my driveway. Now, it looks like someone is at home all the time or manages to park the car in exactly the same way every day. My daughter keeps telling people that there is a car there but it is not a real cart because it has no engine. It serves its purpose and I thank The Cooperative Ministry for finding it and for the person who donated it.
My second “I can’t get enough of” is my new professional photos (check out my profile pictures on Facebook). I decided to take a second round of photos after people who had not seen me kept asking me if I had been disfigured. I realized people had an image of what someone who had had a traumatic eye accident must look like, so I did it to dispel those thoughts. I also can’t really see myself when I look in a mirror because of the missing head thing. But, I can see pictures of myself, so I was curious to know if my friends that had been telling me I looked the same had been telling me the truth. The answer was that I look just like me (well, actually a hotter version of me). And all those months of steroids sure made some things grow! I think they turned out fabulous and thanks to Ashley Ward of Ashley Ward Photography for lighting me so well (it is all about lighting after 40) and taking such gorgeous pictures. She will be putting more photos from the shoot on her blog at ashleywardphotography.com.
My blog this week will be short as I am preparing for this weekend’s free women’s event that those of you in Columbia and the surrounding areas should be attending—run don’t walk for three great talks, food, and gift bags for the first 75women filled with goodies and coupons from local vendors. I have been thinking about what I am going to say. The title is Renew You: Reinventing Yourself through Life’s Changes, so, as a seasoned change artist, I have no problem about using myself and what I have learned as an example. I have been thinking about how much I should reveal, how brutally honest I will be, worried I could shed a tear or some awful thing like that (I have no problem crying in private or with close friends, but the public ugly Oprah cry is not my thing). As I was writing my handout for my talk, I added a few things to the list of what I have learned since my accident and I will share those here.
One thing is that I am in control of nothing and that you can NEVER predict what will happen to you in your life. You are just in control of how you deal with what life brings you. Trying to control things or people is like pushing a heavy rock uphill. So, the trick is letting go and rolling with the changes—body surfing with the waves instead of letting them crash against you. Life is going to kick your but in some way or the other, you just have to get back up again and find a way through it or over it to move forward.
The second thing I added was that it is important to be good to yourself and take the time to be balanced. When going through a major change or traumatic event, it is easy for your life to become all about that change. I constantly have to remind myself that I need to take time for myself to do things like get a massage or have alone time or just be a couch potato and watch a good movie. And I have learned that I have to take the time to notice and be aware of what is going on around me. This means staying out of my head and being relaxed enough to notice all the good things that are happening.
Coming next week, my report on my social experiment involving going out with my long hair and some type of homage to the Bravo Housewives outfit.
Keep moving forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock