The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 17
This week, in honor of Valentine’s Day, my blog will focus on what I have learned about romantic relationships from my parents and my patterns, and how strange I find the world of dating now. But first……….
My WTF of the week is why people who are out at bars, clubs or other events are interacting more with their phones than with each other, and why texting and e-mailing has become a method for courting each other (including sending nude pics or pics of body parts). Has phone play become foreplay? I can tell, even with my vision, that people are sitting at bars playing with their phones. Sometimes there are a row of them, their screens flashing like a row of landing strip lights. And I wonder, can’t you just stay at home and do that? What ever happened to people-watching or actually talking with and meeting people. I also don’t understand how people can build relationships through texting or e-mailing. Written communication is so devoid of emotion and hey, what happened to verbal dialogue. And the oddest thing is the practice of people texting or e-mailing provocative photos. Is seeing your private pars supposed to make me like you? If there is going to be no dialogue, I have an even simpler method of communication. When I was at the Staples they had a red button that said “That was easy” in the same voice as Paul (this is the name of my computer voice). My assistant was holding it at her waistline when she hit the button to make it talk, so I told her that was not a good location to have a talking “That was easy” button. But it gave me an idea. There are only three buttons you need to engage in any conversation and this way you don’t have to talk or even type, so the most minimal effort is needed. My three buttons would say “how disappointing”, “that’s great” and “I have to go now”. These three phrases allow you to react to all positive and negative information and then allow you an exit when you get bored. You could make the buttons small so that they fit in a pocket or purse. Soon you may see me on QVC selling these things by the thousands.
This week I can’t get enough of my new blind person white cane. After months of waiting to get the training I, after three sessions, was presented with my own 50 inch cane. The parts of the cane (I was quizzed on this) are the grip, shaft, and tip; and the shaft is reflective so it kind of glows in the dark and a glowing shaft is very impressive. The cane folds up and it has that mechanism like in kids pop up tents where when you start to release it from the confines of the rubber band and pop the grip in, it all pops out-again it is amazing that the cane can obtain its full length so quickly. And not only that, but the quick release action means I can carry out my sinister plan of “accidently” hitting people with my cane. I learned how to find and walk around walls and how to put my arm out for blocking in case I walk into something and how to pick up things without leaning over and hitting my head. Because I have peripheral vision I can do all these things without the cane, but I quickly realized that all the things I was learning would be great for people who were drunk. I may teach some classes. The scanning the chair technique I was taught would allow me to grope people with no recourse. I could just say I was making sure the seat was clear before sitting, in which case I would have ended up on their lap.
So, now onto my take on romantic relationships and what I was taught about them by my parents. My parents divorced when I had just started the first grade. The messages I got from my mom about men was that they were not to be trusted or relied upon. Therefore I needed to be educated and have a profession so I could support myself, because there was really no reason to need a man. Parts of that message led me to seek higher education, but I was still interested in men. Growing up I saw my dad very little and after age 13 I saw him only a few times over the next 20 years. My dad not being a part of my life reinforced that men were unreliable and that they leave. When I had my daughter my dad came back into my life and after the accident he began to come to help me every week.
So, in my forties I had the first opportunity to know him. What is interesting is that my dad and I have been mistaken for a couple on several occasions (another WTF), maybe because we don’t really look alike and, according to Dad, he looks very young for his age. The last incident sums it up. We were paying at the line in a restaurant when the guy behind the counter asks my dad if he would like a customer loyalty card, to which he replies, “no thank you, I am not that loyal”. So the guy says, “do you think you should be saying that in front of your wife”. In horror I say, “actually, I am his daughter and I can attest to the fact he is not loyal and thanks for the psychological damage you just caused”. My new plan is to say “you wouldn’t think I was with him if you saw what he drives” or I may need an “I’m with my dad” t-shirt. But the most surprising fact is that now that I know my dad, I realize I have been choosing partners that are versions of him. This realization shocked me. In a nutshell, I have had a pattern of dating men who are emotionally immature and/or shut down and who don’t have the capacity to give of themselves, some because they were self-focused and others because they were dealing with their own demons. The men have been different in many ways, but in these ways they were the sane. What has changed, over time, is that I have chosen to be with men who are more decent and who have a core of good qualities. In my late teens and early 20’s I was with men who physically or emotionally abused me. After that I can say I did not make that choice again. Instead, I chose men who were not very emotional at all, but more passive and conflict avoidant.
In making these choices I carried out what I was taught about men. I chose men who were unreliable, unavailable and absent (and some who were just mean). Why would I expect them to be any different and why did I think I deserved more-this was my reality. Admittedly, it took years of therapy to figure all this out. And I am as equally as responsible as my parents because I did not have the self-worth or confidence that would have stopped me from trying to fix or giving my all to these men who did not or could not give back. But now, I am DONE with choosing these types of men. And I am patiently waiting for something both different and extraordinary. In my February newsletter I talked about Kathy Freston’s new book on soul mates. In it she says to “focus on fulfilling yourself with meaningful work and friendships. Your passion will draw to you the right situation, so you need not go looking for anything”. And that is what I am doing with an open heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
This week, in honor of Valentine’s Day, my blog will focus on what I have learned about romantic relationships from my parents and my patterns, and how strange I find the world of dating now. But first……….
My WTF of the week is why people who are out at bars, clubs or other events are interacting more with their phones than with each other, and why texting and e-mailing has become a method for courting each other (including sending nude pics or pics of body parts). Has phone play become foreplay? I can tell, even with my vision, that people are sitting at bars playing with their phones. Sometimes there are a row of them, their screens flashing like a row of landing strip lights. And I wonder, can’t you just stay at home and do that? What ever happened to people-watching or actually talking with and meeting people. I also don’t understand how people can build relationships through texting or e-mailing. Written communication is so devoid of emotion and hey, what happened to verbal dialogue. And the oddest thing is the practice of people texting or e-mailing provocative photos. Is seeing your private pars supposed to make me like you? If there is going to be no dialogue, I have an even simpler method of communication. When I was at the Staples they had a red button that said “That was easy” in the same voice as Paul (this is the name of my computer voice). My assistant was holding it at her waistline when she hit the button to make it talk, so I told her that was not a good location to have a talking “That was easy” button. But it gave me an idea. There are only three buttons you need to engage in any conversation and this way you don’t have to talk or even type, so the most minimal effort is needed. My three buttons would say “how disappointing”, “that’s great” and “I have to go now”. These three phrases allow you to react to all positive and negative information and then allow you an exit when you get bored. You could make the buttons small so that they fit in a pocket or purse. Soon you may see me on QVC selling these things by the thousands.
This week I can’t get enough of my new blind person white cane. After months of waiting to get the training I, after three sessions, was presented with my own 50 inch cane. The parts of the cane (I was quizzed on this) are the grip, shaft, and tip; and the shaft is reflective so it kind of glows in the dark and a glowing shaft is very impressive. The cane folds up and it has that mechanism like in kids pop up tents where when you start to release it from the confines of the rubber band and pop the grip in, it all pops out-again it is amazing that the cane can obtain its full length so quickly. And not only that, but the quick release action means I can carry out my sinister plan of “accidently” hitting people with my cane. I learned how to find and walk around walls and how to put my arm out for blocking in case I walk into something and how to pick up things without leaning over and hitting my head. Because I have peripheral vision I can do all these things without the cane, but I quickly realized that all the things I was learning would be great for people who were drunk. I may teach some classes. The scanning the chair technique I was taught would allow me to grope people with no recourse. I could just say I was making sure the seat was clear before sitting, in which case I would have ended up on their lap.
So, now onto my take on romantic relationships and what I was taught about them by my parents. My parents divorced when I had just started the first grade. The messages I got from my mom about men was that they were not to be trusted or relied upon. Therefore I needed to be educated and have a profession so I could support myself, because there was really no reason to need a man. Parts of that message led me to seek higher education, but I was still interested in men. Growing up I saw my dad very little and after age 13 I saw him only a few times over the next 20 years. My dad not being a part of my life reinforced that men were unreliable and that they leave. When I had my daughter my dad came back into my life and after the accident he began to come to help me every week.
So, in my forties I had the first opportunity to know him. What is interesting is that my dad and I have been mistaken for a couple on several occasions (another WTF), maybe because we don’t really look alike and, according to Dad, he looks very young for his age. The last incident sums it up. We were paying at the line in a restaurant when the guy behind the counter asks my dad if he would like a customer loyalty card, to which he replies, “no thank you, I am not that loyal”. So the guy says, “do you think you should be saying that in front of your wife”. In horror I say, “actually, I am his daughter and I can attest to the fact he is not loyal and thanks for the psychological damage you just caused”. My new plan is to say “you wouldn’t think I was with him if you saw what he drives” or I may need an “I’m with my dad” t-shirt. But the most surprising fact is that now that I know my dad, I realize I have been choosing partners that are versions of him. This realization shocked me. In a nutshell, I have had a pattern of dating men who are emotionally immature and/or shut down and who don’t have the capacity to give of themselves, some because they were self-focused and others because they were dealing with their own demons. The men have been different in many ways, but in these ways they were the sane. What has changed, over time, is that I have chosen to be with men who are more decent and who have a core of good qualities. In my late teens and early 20’s I was with men who physically or emotionally abused me. After that I can say I did not make that choice again. Instead, I chose men who were not very emotional at all, but more passive and conflict avoidant.
In making these choices I carried out what I was taught about men. I chose men who were unreliable, unavailable and absent (and some who were just mean). Why would I expect them to be any different and why did I think I deserved more-this was my reality. Admittedly, it took years of therapy to figure all this out. And I am as equally as responsible as my parents because I did not have the self-worth or confidence that would have stopped me from trying to fix or giving my all to these men who did not or could not give back. But now, I am DONE with choosing these types of men. And I am patiently waiting for something both different and extraordinary. In my February newsletter I talked about Kathy Freston’s new book on soul mates. In it she says to “focus on fulfilling yourself with meaningful work and friendships. Your passion will draw to you the right situation, so you need not go looking for anything”. And that is what I am doing with an open heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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