The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 18
This week I have decided to talk about the insights I have about why people are afraid to be around me and how this has continued to affect my friendships. I will also talk about my emerging feelings about not being afraid to die and how this has changed me. But first………………….
My WTF of the week is how my daughter has decided to use what she has learned in her Sunday school class (she goes with Daddy’s family to an Episcopalian church) as justification for why I am not the boss and can’t make any rules in our home. Here is how she does it. According to my child, God is in her heart and tells her what she can do and this means that mommy cannot tell her what to do. God has also told her that she should do what she wants like watch TV, and if I say no I am not doing what God wants her to do. So I tell her that God can help her to make good choices, but parents make the rules in the home and God also says to obey your parents. To this she scoffs, “Mommy that is not what we learned”. The point here is that it is no use to argue with a precocious just turned 5 year old, because you will lose or be talking a long time (and then asking yourself why you are trying to have a philosophical discussion with a five year old). I know what is coming next—the God told me to do it excuse.
This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I have been adopted by the Presbyterians, even though I was not a member of their church. I have done work at Eastminster Presbyterian in their career group, so they knew about me and decided to give me a care team. Every week someone from the care team calls me and asks me what I need for that week, which is always rides. I thank them for being so gracious and caring. Funny thing is that I revealed I was a lapsed Catholic and I did have some problems with Calvin’s doctrine on predetermination or predestiny, which I thought was a cornerstone of the faith. To which they said, “Oh we never talk about that”. So I am going to try out the church and cross my fingers my daughter will not use the Sunday school teachings to rule our home (wishful thinking). I am also thrilled that Bravo finally wised up and did a Housewives of Miami series. I am sure that you can’t throw a rock 10 feet without hitting a potential candidate for the show. I have not paid much attention to the previews, but there has to be some Latinas and I am sure everyone looks fabulous. This also means there will be tons of drama, lots of gesturing and some good fights with everyone speaking as fast as my computer at full speed. Finally, something I can relate to. I am somewhat glad that I cannot see the detail on the TV because I know they will be eating tons of delicious Spanish and Cuban food that will make me long for home, because I can’t get that here in Columbia, SC. Although, I did have a good empanada once.
Lately I have been trying to figure out why I can’t get people to return my phone calls or e-mails when I try to arrange outings or play dates with my child, or just lunch or dinner with friends on the two weekends a month I am alone. I maybe have 4 people who return my calls out of 10 to 12 people I approach. I talked about this with two of my friends who I see the most regularly and they talked about the fact that it is hard for some people to be around me and my situation because it terrifies or is scary to them, because what happened to me could have happened to them. One of my friends said it was difficult for her to be around after the accident because it was so scary, but because she is grounded and stable she was able to be present through that fear. It may be that if you are struggling with your own issues or cannot be present and let fear guide your decisions, you may not make the decision to be around me. At first I think I blamed myself-am I too needy now, is it because my life is so different. I went from being fiercely independent and asking for nothing to now having to ask for things like rides. But my friends helped me to see that I really do not ask for much except for wanting to get together and spend time. So, I have concluded that everyone is busy and has their own lives and for some, I just cannot make it easy enough for them to spend time with me or with us. It is not my job to make things easy for others. And I did not ask for any of the chaos in my life. So if people cannot deal with it, then it is what it is and my work is to accept and forgive them.
As my surgery approaches next week, and once again I was asked if I had a living will, I have been thinking about the end of life and how I feel about it. One thing I know is that I do not want any extraordinary means done to keep me alive, unless it is to harvest my organs. No machines or feeding tubes, and as my dad says, just get the marker and write DNR across my chest. I have also come to the realization that I am not afraid of death. I think this is because of two things, one is that I feel that I have accomplished much in my life and I feel good about what I have done and second it is because I have no clue about what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I will actually get new retinas or if I will lose all of my vision. I do not know if I will have a partner or be able to accomplish some of the things I had thought about before the accident. Right now I live from day to day and don’t think much about the future. Because of this I don’t have a fear of life being cut short or taking me away from some big plans. I am not saying that I would not want to be around to see my daughter grow up and have a career and a family of her own-of course I want to be around for that. What I am saying is that I am not afraid of dying. Maybe there is a darker reason for it. I think there is a third reason and that reason is that I am really tired. But, having the chance to eventually take a vacation and have some alone or down time will remedy that. I think that the weariness we feel sometimes feels like depression. But I am not depressed. I am rationally tired and weary, and sad sometimes, but for good reasons. So, I have given myself the permission to sometimes think about how it would be nice to leave my life for a while and just take a break. And really, don’t we all need that sometimes.
Next week the blog will be on hiatus because I am having cataract surgery on my left eye. The cataract has opaqued very quickly because of the trauma, so my peripheral vision should improve after the surgery. No more snow globe. Hopefully my super thin retina will hold up and they can save my natural lens. I will be back the next week blogging about the surgery and the results. I am just hoping this doctor does not listen to 80’s hair band music during the surgery. I am not sure I can get through that without making a snarky comment.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
This week I have decided to talk about the insights I have about why people are afraid to be around me and how this has continued to affect my friendships. I will also talk about my emerging feelings about not being afraid to die and how this has changed me. But first………………….
My WTF of the week is how my daughter has decided to use what she has learned in her Sunday school class (she goes with Daddy’s family to an Episcopalian church) as justification for why I am not the boss and can’t make any rules in our home. Here is how she does it. According to my child, God is in her heart and tells her what she can do and this means that mommy cannot tell her what to do. God has also told her that she should do what she wants like watch TV, and if I say no I am not doing what God wants her to do. So I tell her that God can help her to make good choices, but parents make the rules in the home and God also says to obey your parents. To this she scoffs, “Mommy that is not what we learned”. The point here is that it is no use to argue with a precocious just turned 5 year old, because you will lose or be talking a long time (and then asking yourself why you are trying to have a philosophical discussion with a five year old). I know what is coming next—the God told me to do it excuse.
This week I can’t get enough of the fact that I have been adopted by the Presbyterians, even though I was not a member of their church. I have done work at Eastminster Presbyterian in their career group, so they knew about me and decided to give me a care team. Every week someone from the care team calls me and asks me what I need for that week, which is always rides. I thank them for being so gracious and caring. Funny thing is that I revealed I was a lapsed Catholic and I did have some problems with Calvin’s doctrine on predetermination or predestiny, which I thought was a cornerstone of the faith. To which they said, “Oh we never talk about that”. So I am going to try out the church and cross my fingers my daughter will not use the Sunday school teachings to rule our home (wishful thinking). I am also thrilled that Bravo finally wised up and did a Housewives of Miami series. I am sure that you can’t throw a rock 10 feet without hitting a potential candidate for the show. I have not paid much attention to the previews, but there has to be some Latinas and I am sure everyone looks fabulous. This also means there will be tons of drama, lots of gesturing and some good fights with everyone speaking as fast as my computer at full speed. Finally, something I can relate to. I am somewhat glad that I cannot see the detail on the TV because I know they will be eating tons of delicious Spanish and Cuban food that will make me long for home, because I can’t get that here in Columbia, SC. Although, I did have a good empanada once.
Lately I have been trying to figure out why I can’t get people to return my phone calls or e-mails when I try to arrange outings or play dates with my child, or just lunch or dinner with friends on the two weekends a month I am alone. I maybe have 4 people who return my calls out of 10 to 12 people I approach. I talked about this with two of my friends who I see the most regularly and they talked about the fact that it is hard for some people to be around me and my situation because it terrifies or is scary to them, because what happened to me could have happened to them. One of my friends said it was difficult for her to be around after the accident because it was so scary, but because she is grounded and stable she was able to be present through that fear. It may be that if you are struggling with your own issues or cannot be present and let fear guide your decisions, you may not make the decision to be around me. At first I think I blamed myself-am I too needy now, is it because my life is so different. I went from being fiercely independent and asking for nothing to now having to ask for things like rides. But my friends helped me to see that I really do not ask for much except for wanting to get together and spend time. So, I have concluded that everyone is busy and has their own lives and for some, I just cannot make it easy enough for them to spend time with me or with us. It is not my job to make things easy for others. And I did not ask for any of the chaos in my life. So if people cannot deal with it, then it is what it is and my work is to accept and forgive them.
As my surgery approaches next week, and once again I was asked if I had a living will, I have been thinking about the end of life and how I feel about it. One thing I know is that I do not want any extraordinary means done to keep me alive, unless it is to harvest my organs. No machines or feeding tubes, and as my dad says, just get the marker and write DNR across my chest. I have also come to the realization that I am not afraid of death. I think this is because of two things, one is that I feel that I have accomplished much in my life and I feel good about what I have done and second it is because I have no clue about what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I will actually get new retinas or if I will lose all of my vision. I do not know if I will have a partner or be able to accomplish some of the things I had thought about before the accident. Right now I live from day to day and don’t think much about the future. Because of this I don’t have a fear of life being cut short or taking me away from some big plans. I am not saying that I would not want to be around to see my daughter grow up and have a career and a family of her own-of course I want to be around for that. What I am saying is that I am not afraid of dying. Maybe there is a darker reason for it. I think there is a third reason and that reason is that I am really tired. But, having the chance to eventually take a vacation and have some alone or down time will remedy that. I think that the weariness we feel sometimes feels like depression. But I am not depressed. I am rationally tired and weary, and sad sometimes, but for good reasons. So, I have given myself the permission to sometimes think about how it would be nice to leave my life for a while and just take a break. And really, don’t we all need that sometimes.
Next week the blog will be on hiatus because I am having cataract surgery on my left eye. The cataract has opaqued very quickly because of the trauma, so my peripheral vision should improve after the surgery. No more snow globe. Hopefully my super thin retina will hold up and they can save my natural lens. I will be back the next week blogging about the surgery and the results. I am just hoping this doctor does not listen to 80’s hair band music during the surgery. I am not sure I can get through that without making a snarky comment.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
No comments:
Post a Comment