The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 23
This week I am sharing my experiences when, in what must have been desperation, I decided to try a little Internet dating site called EHarmony (which will be referred to in the rest of this blog as EHellmony). In the past 12 or so days I have learned some things about myself, and also about others who are active on the site. But first………..
My WTF of the week is the fact I have actually decided to put my t-shirt line into production. Like I don’t already have enough other stuff to do. So now your job is to vote on the ones you would like to see available and possibly wear or give as a gift to your single friends and loved ones. Do not post on my Facebook wall; shoot me an e-mail through Facebook or leave a comment on the blog page. List your top three choices. Your choices can be either in the BLOVI line or the casual relationship line. And you can even send me ideas about what colors the shirts should be. Another WTF is that my daughter has taken to watching a Christian channel on Saturday mornings, which is fine with me because the shows talk about bible stories and good things like sharing, forgiveness and mercy. And since I can’t see the TV so well, the obviously low budget production (or puppets) does not even bother me. But the funny part is that about 5 minutes after watching this whole show about forgiving and showing mercy, she snaps at me for bringing her the wrong fruit. To which I say that I am sorry and that she should forgive me for making a mistake. She counters with, “Mom that show is over”. So I guess to my five year old the concepts last about the length of the program.
This week I can’t get enough of my voice lessons and vocal warm-ups. First here are the songs I picked to sing. I was supposed to pick a few that were hard, a few that were slightly hard and a few that were easier. That was a daunting task, given how much music I own and enjoy singing (badly in many cases). So I chose three songs from rock musicals (one from Spring Awakening and two from Hedwig and the Angry Inch), “Wonder” by Natalie Merchant, “Challengers” and “Adventures in Solitude” by The New Pornographers (cause I think I am Neko Case), and “My Favorite Book” by Stars. I really wanted to choose a Cat Power song, but all the ones I like to sing are a downer. Then I let my daughter pick out a song for me to sing. So she comes up with “Let There be Peace on Earth”, a seminal Catholic school song that I could never sing well. It has killer high notes. So I told her there was no way mommy could sing that song and to prove it I sang it as badly as I could to convince her that she did not want to hear me practicing that EVERY DAY. In the end she chose a Laurie Berkner song which is folky and easy to sing. So I am working on the Spring Awakening song and Challengers now, and also doing cool vocal warm-ups where I sing zo, zo, zo and ze, ze, ze and ma, ma, ma. And the coolest thing is if and when I get good, I already have a gig. My videographer said I could sing with his band and by putting that in my blog it means now he totally has to do it.
A short time ago I bit the bullet and signed up for EHarmony (AKA EHellmony). The daunting questionnaires took me two days to complete and asked like 500 close ended questions. These were supposed to be a personality assessment to come up with these dimensions they match you on and then you also answer questions about education, religion, occupation, drinking, smoking, wanting kids and how important your partner matches you in those aspects. I thought they were going to ask for a mouth swab for DNA and a hair sample to test for other things it was so thorough. Plus you had to answer all these open ended questions that go on your profile, like the most influential person in in your life and the last book you read and why you liked it. What they don’t have, and what I recommend, is that you have a place where your ex’s can write you recommendations. I think I could get at least two of them. Here is the gist of what both would say, “Beth is a wonderful woman and was a fantastic partner, I just suddenly decided I did not want to be in a relationship, which had nothing to do with her.” I was confident that, given the detail, I would get some quality matches, even without recommendations.
So the next day I start going through my matches and in a WTF moment I realized two things immediately, most of them are over 50 and most are a flex match, not an exact match, also the majority do not live in Columbia (which is not such a bad thing). And it gets better, there are some who occasionally smoke (which was a no way for me, unless you are Johnny Depp), and many are what I like to call bubba’s with pictures of their trucks, fishing with their camo hat on and even shooting guns. It also has this sidebar section for the match where it says some of the things you have in common to talk about. There were many matches where the things we had in common were we liked cats and football. All those questions and I get men who like cats and football teams that I don’t even like (including NFC South Division rivals). I am sure we can build a relationship on those two things. How in the world did the EHellmony system spit these out? Let’s just say most were a no go.
Another crazy aspect of EHellmony is that you can send these cheesy one sentence icebreakers and everyone sends a set of 5 "guided communication" multiple choice questions. There is a long list from which you can choose your five pre-packaged and sometimes truly bizarre questions instead of just sending an e-mail. It is truly dating or having conversations for dummies or maybe for just really introverted people. Most men send the same questions and I have begun to know what their deal is based on the questions. The guys that send questions about what would be a romantic evening and how affectionate you are in a relationship want to get some. The guys that send questions about how much personal space you need, and how busy you, are and how busy your partner could be are really too busy to have a relationship. The ones that send the questions about what makes you fear marriage and how your past relationships ended, coupled that in the open ended questions they say that they are looking for a partner who is honest probably got dumped or cheated on. The guys that send you questions about what exercise you like and travel and what you think is adventure are probably active and adventurous, so I don’t toss them out.
There is also a trend on EHellmony that guys think it is appealing to women if they show themselves with their kids, if they have them, or with their nieces or nephews or some other borrowed kids. Over 90% of the guys have these types of pictures in their profiles. I am assuming this is meant to signal to women that see I can be around kids and I am having fun with them. But if you put pictures of yourself with your kids on a dating site to get women, then I think you are just exercising poor judgment and your ex would probably be pissed if she knew this.
So here is my overall approach to EHellmony. If I answer the guided multiple choice questions I do not choose any of the choices, Instead I clink the box where you can write in your own answer. Why, because most of the answers are one dimensional and just stupid. On the fifth question I add that I do not like the guided questions and won’t be sending back any because they are limiting and if they are interested in me I prefer an e-mail. This means I have jumped from step 1 to step 4 (the EHellmony e-mail). And the guys can’t handle it. So far about a fourth of the guys have actually e-mailed me. After one or two e-mail exchanges through EHellmony I give them my direct e-mail and in a few cases where they actually looked decent and seemed decent a phone number. Bet you can guess how many have actually directly e-mailed or called-one, uno, 1 (out of a possible 65 matches). This is because I think many of the people on EHellmony are not really serious about dating or they just don’t have the nerve to pull the trigger. As my friend says they have one hand on the keyboard and another on well, an appendage. I have also just proved what they found in data on internet dating in Freakonomics, that women who are attractive educated or make too much money do not fare well on these sites. So I guess you can be too attractive, too educated and hell maybe even too tall. Up to this point I thought I was lucky to be all those. I think the Universe is telling me something because EHellmony kicks me off about every 5 minutes as if to say “no, no, you don’t belong here”.
So what I have learned is that I am an ageist. I was not interested in and could not see myself dating anyone over 50. Even the guys in their late 40’s were borderline. I can date those guys when I am in my 50’s. Most of the guys that interested me were between 38 and 42. I have a pattern of dating younger, so this fits. I also realized I am not a fan of facial hair, especially the mustache. And, I will just admit it, I just can’t do overweight. This horrifies me that even though I am legally blind I can still see enough of the pictures and read the descriptions to almost immediately chuck most of the guys EHellmony was sending. If I say looks don’t matter I am lying. The guys do not have to be super good looking, but they have to have some appeal. I have also learned that I am bombing on EHellmony with people that have no clue I am legally blind. I chose not to put that in my profile and have it come up later with people with whom I begin dialoguing. And that is also an issue for me, at what point do you bring it up or do you at all. Should I go on the first date and announce it when I obviously can’t read the menu, or do I tell my story if we talk on the phone. That is not something I have figured out. But since no one is calling or e-mailing I may never have to deal with this. And if I do, I don’t see it as being a big deal.
I apologize to those who have found love on Internet dating sites and I am not saying that it cannot happen, because obviously it does. I believe all those commercials. And I think it works for some people. I also do not want to offend those who like bubba’s or facial hair. I say “to each their own”. These guys are just not my type, so I will leave them for you. My foray or perhaps folly in internet dating is over. That is, if they will give me back my money. If they don’t I will engage in a social experiment where I change some of the aspects about myself like education level, height and occupation, just for giggles. On to the next adventure!
Keep Moving Forward (and vote on the t-shirts),
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
No comments:
Post a Comment