The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 13
This week I am going to talk about how I began losing my hope and faith in 2011 after a string of negative events derailed all the plans I had talked about in my last blog, and how I managed to get it back through a few encounters. The key, as I will discuss is paying attention and being aware. But first…………
My WTF of the week is why is there a “pox on my house”. After the rash of illness at the end of last year I really thought we were done. Then the day after my daughter’s fifth birthday she starts screaming in the middle of the night that her eye hurts and won’t open. By the next day she has a fever and we are off again to the doctor who gives the diagnosis of pink eye. The next night she runs a fever of 105 and her eye swells more. By the next day both eyes are swollen shut and I can’t get her fever down below 101. So, back to the doctor with a new diagnosis of some horrific uber-virus that causes pink eye and symptoms that feel like the flu and strep. I have never seen my child so sick. She could not sit up or walk and her eyes were closed for 5 days. I was angry at the universe or God or the higher power for allowing this to happen. As a parent you will do anything so that your child does not have to suffer and you wish it could be you taking their place. She is getting better, but every morning her eyes are crusted shut and we begin the uncomfortable process of cleaning them and trying to get them open. It is clear I am being tested in some way, but would like that test to come in a different form.
This week I can’t get enough of compliments given by people drinking. On my last foray out (only the third or fourth in the last six months) I was called a “phenomenon”. But actually I think it was supposed to be a phenomena. Here is why I am a phenomenon, as explained by a person who has had more than a few drinks—I am single, attractive, a professional, and not dating anyone. This puts me into a category much like an endangered species or maybe an anomaly. Whatever the case, I am rare and since I do not go out much sightings of this phenomena are also rare. I was also complimented on my scarf, hair and told I was very attractive and beautimous. At the same time I was also told, by a guy, that I was “way out of his league”. This is not the first time I have heard this and it makes me wonder, did I forget to join some league. When were the tryouts? Obviously if I ever want to have a date again I have to become a member, so must figure it out. Overall I enjoy being around nice people who have been drinking because the compliments (and alcohol) were flowing and I was getting lots of high fives. What a boost to my self esteem. And because I do not drink, I will remember it all.
So last week I said that there was no way that 2011 could be as bad as 2010 and I may have spoken too soon. Thus far in 2011 I have experienced illness, continued and escalating harassment by my ex-husband, e-mail exchanges that should have not happened and brought up past grieving issues and someone getting my debit card number and making large purchases. After this series of stressful events I began to feel like I was losing my hope and faith. I was so hopeful that 2011 would bring better things and had begun to work on what I wanted to accomplish, but was de-railed within a week. It was not the getting off track that upset me, it was my perception of the unfairness of having the negative crap continue. As I got sad and then angry I began questioning how much more I could take, I also began to think about how I could regain my hope and faith , realizing that so much of what happens to me, to us, is completely out of my (our) control. It is not a problem to be fixed. So, in the last days hope and faith have come to me in a few small ways.
When I went out this past Saturday I met some really decent, friendly and real people who invited my friend and I into their home (after knowing us a few hours) and in a way into their lives by disclosing some personal things and it restored my faith in people. I did not tell them I was legally blind until toward the end of the night and they had no clue and when I did tell them we all just went on with our evening. It made me feel normal and accepted (and the compliments did not hurt). But these kind and open people were a sign that there are good people out there and that my disability, to those who did not know me before, means nothing. In addition, everyone in that room had experienced difficult and even traumatic things, and they were all hanging in there.
My hope and faith was also restored after a conversation with a blind author who writes from a Christian and spiritual perspective. The theme of our dialogue was about putting your faith in God and not just in yourself, because we are not in control of what happens to us. We talked about being aware and open to what God, or the universe or the higher power or whatever you choose to believe has to reveal to us. And we talked about the fact that you are never alone if you believe that God has a plan and reveals your path if you are paying attention. After the accident I prayed a lot and I asked God for wisdom and to show me what I was supposed to see now that I had no sight. But lately instead of having that kind of dialogue I have just been pissed off at the universe and going back to some of the “why me” and “please make this stop”. And that does not work. She reminded me I was having the wrong conversation and closing off m awareness to what was being put in front of me. So, my hope and faith was restored when I realized I was not holding up my end of the bargain with the universe.
Daily I move forward, trying to let go of the past and of feelings of anger and loss so that I can be uncluttered and therefore aware of and open to what lies in front of me. And it is challenging, but, in the end, worth it. That is what having hope and faith allow me to do. So, let go of things, and pay attention because there are always small miracles happening.
Keep moving forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
This week I am going to talk about how I began losing my hope and faith in 2011 after a string of negative events derailed all the plans I had talked about in my last blog, and how I managed to get it back through a few encounters. The key, as I will discuss is paying attention and being aware. But first…………
My WTF of the week is why is there a “pox on my house”. After the rash of illness at the end of last year I really thought we were done. Then the day after my daughter’s fifth birthday she starts screaming in the middle of the night that her eye hurts and won’t open. By the next day she has a fever and we are off again to the doctor who gives the diagnosis of pink eye. The next night she runs a fever of 105 and her eye swells more. By the next day both eyes are swollen shut and I can’t get her fever down below 101. So, back to the doctor with a new diagnosis of some horrific uber-virus that causes pink eye and symptoms that feel like the flu and strep. I have never seen my child so sick. She could not sit up or walk and her eyes were closed for 5 days. I was angry at the universe or God or the higher power for allowing this to happen. As a parent you will do anything so that your child does not have to suffer and you wish it could be you taking their place. She is getting better, but every morning her eyes are crusted shut and we begin the uncomfortable process of cleaning them and trying to get them open. It is clear I am being tested in some way, but would like that test to come in a different form.
This week I can’t get enough of compliments given by people drinking. On my last foray out (only the third or fourth in the last six months) I was called a “phenomenon”. But actually I think it was supposed to be a phenomena. Here is why I am a phenomenon, as explained by a person who has had more than a few drinks—I am single, attractive, a professional, and not dating anyone. This puts me into a category much like an endangered species or maybe an anomaly. Whatever the case, I am rare and since I do not go out much sightings of this phenomena are also rare. I was also complimented on my scarf, hair and told I was very attractive and beautimous. At the same time I was also told, by a guy, that I was “way out of his league”. This is not the first time I have heard this and it makes me wonder, did I forget to join some league. When were the tryouts? Obviously if I ever want to have a date again I have to become a member, so must figure it out. Overall I enjoy being around nice people who have been drinking because the compliments (and alcohol) were flowing and I was getting lots of high fives. What a boost to my self esteem. And because I do not drink, I will remember it all.
So last week I said that there was no way that 2011 could be as bad as 2010 and I may have spoken too soon. Thus far in 2011 I have experienced illness, continued and escalating harassment by my ex-husband, e-mail exchanges that should have not happened and brought up past grieving issues and someone getting my debit card number and making large purchases. After this series of stressful events I began to feel like I was losing my hope and faith. I was so hopeful that 2011 would bring better things and had begun to work on what I wanted to accomplish, but was de-railed within a week. It was not the getting off track that upset me, it was my perception of the unfairness of having the negative crap continue. As I got sad and then angry I began questioning how much more I could take, I also began to think about how I could regain my hope and faith , realizing that so much of what happens to me, to us, is completely out of my (our) control. It is not a problem to be fixed. So, in the last days hope and faith have come to me in a few small ways.
When I went out this past Saturday I met some really decent, friendly and real people who invited my friend and I into their home (after knowing us a few hours) and in a way into their lives by disclosing some personal things and it restored my faith in people. I did not tell them I was legally blind until toward the end of the night and they had no clue and when I did tell them we all just went on with our evening. It made me feel normal and accepted (and the compliments did not hurt). But these kind and open people were a sign that there are good people out there and that my disability, to those who did not know me before, means nothing. In addition, everyone in that room had experienced difficult and even traumatic things, and they were all hanging in there.
My hope and faith was also restored after a conversation with a blind author who writes from a Christian and spiritual perspective. The theme of our dialogue was about putting your faith in God and not just in yourself, because we are not in control of what happens to us. We talked about being aware and open to what God, or the universe or the higher power or whatever you choose to believe has to reveal to us. And we talked about the fact that you are never alone if you believe that God has a plan and reveals your path if you are paying attention. After the accident I prayed a lot and I asked God for wisdom and to show me what I was supposed to see now that I had no sight. But lately instead of having that kind of dialogue I have just been pissed off at the universe and going back to some of the “why me” and “please make this stop”. And that does not work. She reminded me I was having the wrong conversation and closing off m awareness to what was being put in front of me. So, my hope and faith was restored when I realized I was not holding up my end of the bargain with the universe.
Daily I move forward, trying to let go of the past and of feelings of anger and loss so that I can be uncluttered and therefore aware of and open to what lies in front of me. And it is challenging, but, in the end, worth it. That is what having hope and faith allow me to do. So, let go of things, and pay attention because there are always small miracles happening.
Keep moving forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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