The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl- Volume 15
This week I am going to talk about the things that energize me and make me feel most like myself. I am also going to talk about my struggle with religion and going back to church, even though things have been put in my path directing me toward a church. But first………..
My WTF of the week is why my long hair failed miserably when I went out. Bottom line—hair was tested out in 5 bars/clubs and no one and I repeat no one approached me. I trusted The Millionaire Matchmaker and those I asked before I went out when they agreed that guys prefer long hair. But there is a possible explanation. Even though I invited several women to go along they all bailed and I ended up going out with a guy friend. I did not think this was a problem because let’s just say we have the same taste in men. But obviously people thought we were a couple. This never happens to the Housewives. So all night we mused on why no one was approaching us because we made an effort to look good. He kept telling me that we were getting looks, but since I can’t see any of that it is not very reinforcing. And of course he mentions that not getting approached NEVER happens to him. So I tried to shift the blame on him for looking too straight. In the end we had a great time because he is one of the coolest people I know and one of my best friends. Next time I rock the long hair I am going out with the girls. And if my experiment fails I will then know I am somehow repellant.
This week I can’t get enough of the success of our women’s event this past Saturday. We had 77 women attend and the crowd was very diverse in age and race. We really strived to have a diverse group because that is something that does not always happen here in South Carolina. The energy was great and I got the chance to meet interesting women. If the preparation was not so intensive I would hold these all the time. It is good to see and feel the sisterhood of women coming together and sharing their stories, knowledge and wisdom. When I meet all sorts of women it confirms to me that women hold up the world with their ability to care and nurture with strength, courage and perseverance.
Last week when I was planning for the women’s event and another talk I realized how much speaking in front of groups is important to me because not only do I like to hear myself talk but it makes me feel completely normal. By that I mean that I can talk in front of groups and no one knows I am visually impaired. I make eye contact, even though it erases all the heads and I feel less inhibited because I cam not really tell how people are responding. Because of this I rely on others to give me feedback, which I did not do before the accident. And I have found that people are much more positive in their feedback than I was when I judged my own performance. I was also really nervous before my talk at the women’s event, the most nervous I had been in many years. I mean sick to my stomach, having to take deep breaths and people asking me if I was OK nervous. I was talking about my accident in public for the first tine and the whole talk was so personal. I think it made me feel vulnerable and maybe a little afraid. But when another presentor shared her personal story right before my talk, I knew I could do the same and I became calm. I realized that this new vulnerability and engaging in dialogue about how I am received has made me more open and in a way softer. Before the accident, as a professional, and even in personal relationships, I closed myself off and presented as a person who was unflappable. But the truth is, I have faults and failures and some days I feel incompetent and unsure of myself. Now, I can be more authentic about that and I think it makes me more real.
The other thing that energizes me and makes me feel normal is being around people that I like and spending time talking about topics that have nothing to do with all the battles I am fighting right now. Sometimes I just want to listen, or to talk about the mundane or Bravo TV or what the heck did Jake Gyllenhall see in Taylor swift. The entire weekend one of my BFF’s was here we did not talk about any of the things going on in my life, we just gossiped about others and talked about art and music and religion and it was awesome. It was me following my own rule to not let my disability or life get in the way of having fun or letting it define me.
Speaking of religion, I think God may be calling me to attend church. Or maybe she is just whispering. I am a lapsed Catholic with 12 years of Catholic school under my belt. As an adult organized religion and I parted ways, even though I sought God and answers all along the way. I have read books on all sorts of religions; eastern and western, traditional and mystic. And I have attended many different types of churches. In what I call my comparative religions study I found more similarities than differences across religions and in that I knew there was a higher power at work in our world. And that was all I needed to know. The rest was that I live my life trying to make the world a better place, speaking the truth, giving of myself and treating people with respect and kindness. But then the universe and life kept kicking my butt and I started to think that I was the perfect example of “when bad things happen to good people”. I know now that I am missing something, I am just not sure what that something is. I vacillate from being really angry at God (I call this the “bring it on” talk), asking her to show me possible paths and begging for forgiveness. And in my path come people that are calling me to attend church. So now I am trying to decide on a church and a faith. Back to my tour of local churches and paying attention to what feels right. The last time I did this, 10 years ago, I ended up back at the Catholic Church, maybe because it felt familiar. I think this time the familiar may not be the answer. I think the answer may be to keep seeking God and that is what I am doing.
Keep moving forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
This week I am going to talk about the things that energize me and make me feel most like myself. I am also going to talk about my struggle with religion and going back to church, even though things have been put in my path directing me toward a church. But first………..
My WTF of the week is why my long hair failed miserably when I went out. Bottom line—hair was tested out in 5 bars/clubs and no one and I repeat no one approached me. I trusted The Millionaire Matchmaker and those I asked before I went out when they agreed that guys prefer long hair. But there is a possible explanation. Even though I invited several women to go along they all bailed and I ended up going out with a guy friend. I did not think this was a problem because let’s just say we have the same taste in men. But obviously people thought we were a couple. This never happens to the Housewives. So all night we mused on why no one was approaching us because we made an effort to look good. He kept telling me that we were getting looks, but since I can’t see any of that it is not very reinforcing. And of course he mentions that not getting approached NEVER happens to him. So I tried to shift the blame on him for looking too straight. In the end we had a great time because he is one of the coolest people I know and one of my best friends. Next time I rock the long hair I am going out with the girls. And if my experiment fails I will then know I am somehow repellant.
This week I can’t get enough of the success of our women’s event this past Saturday. We had 77 women attend and the crowd was very diverse in age and race. We really strived to have a diverse group because that is something that does not always happen here in South Carolina. The energy was great and I got the chance to meet interesting women. If the preparation was not so intensive I would hold these all the time. It is good to see and feel the sisterhood of women coming together and sharing their stories, knowledge and wisdom. When I meet all sorts of women it confirms to me that women hold up the world with their ability to care and nurture with strength, courage and perseverance.
Last week when I was planning for the women’s event and another talk I realized how much speaking in front of groups is important to me because not only do I like to hear myself talk but it makes me feel completely normal. By that I mean that I can talk in front of groups and no one knows I am visually impaired. I make eye contact, even though it erases all the heads and I feel less inhibited because I cam not really tell how people are responding. Because of this I rely on others to give me feedback, which I did not do before the accident. And I have found that people are much more positive in their feedback than I was when I judged my own performance. I was also really nervous before my talk at the women’s event, the most nervous I had been in many years. I mean sick to my stomach, having to take deep breaths and people asking me if I was OK nervous. I was talking about my accident in public for the first tine and the whole talk was so personal. I think it made me feel vulnerable and maybe a little afraid. But when another presentor shared her personal story right before my talk, I knew I could do the same and I became calm. I realized that this new vulnerability and engaging in dialogue about how I am received has made me more open and in a way softer. Before the accident, as a professional, and even in personal relationships, I closed myself off and presented as a person who was unflappable. But the truth is, I have faults and failures and some days I feel incompetent and unsure of myself. Now, I can be more authentic about that and I think it makes me more real.
The other thing that energizes me and makes me feel normal is being around people that I like and spending time talking about topics that have nothing to do with all the battles I am fighting right now. Sometimes I just want to listen, or to talk about the mundane or Bravo TV or what the heck did Jake Gyllenhall see in Taylor swift. The entire weekend one of my BFF’s was here we did not talk about any of the things going on in my life, we just gossiped about others and talked about art and music and religion and it was awesome. It was me following my own rule to not let my disability or life get in the way of having fun or letting it define me.
Speaking of religion, I think God may be calling me to attend church. Or maybe she is just whispering. I am a lapsed Catholic with 12 years of Catholic school under my belt. As an adult organized religion and I parted ways, even though I sought God and answers all along the way. I have read books on all sorts of religions; eastern and western, traditional and mystic. And I have attended many different types of churches. In what I call my comparative religions study I found more similarities than differences across religions and in that I knew there was a higher power at work in our world. And that was all I needed to know. The rest was that I live my life trying to make the world a better place, speaking the truth, giving of myself and treating people with respect and kindness. But then the universe and life kept kicking my butt and I started to think that I was the perfect example of “when bad things happen to good people”. I know now that I am missing something, I am just not sure what that something is. I vacillate from being really angry at God (I call this the “bring it on” talk), asking her to show me possible paths and begging for forgiveness. And in my path come people that are calling me to attend church. So now I am trying to decide on a church and a faith. Back to my tour of local churches and paying attention to what feels right. The last time I did this, 10 years ago, I ended up back at the Catholic Church, maybe because it felt familiar. I think this time the familiar may not be the answer. I think the answer may be to keep seeking God and that is what I am doing.
Keep moving forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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