The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 9
This week I decided to write about the fact that I can no longer see myself and about concepts of beauty in general. But first…
My WTF of the week is the alternate dimension I entered when I took my 4 year old child to the rehearsals for the Nutcracker. My ex got her in the production in a very small role because she does not attend dance school, but her step sister was in the production. All I was told is that she would not have to rehearse much and she told me she really wanted to do it. The only information I was given was what time to show up for rehearsals. When we arrived for her first day I learned we would be there for 4 to 5 hours that day, 7 hours the next day and 4 to 5 hours for the full dress. The rehearsal schedule was crazy so I did not follow it. Even getting this information was not easy. When I tried to get information I was snapped at and they were confused as to why I was not on the mailing list. I gave my e-mail address to at least three people but during the rehearsals and production never received an e-mail. I also needed clarification about what makeup she needed to wear. I was told to put matte makeup, heavy blush, eyeliner, three shades of eye shadow, red lipstick and false eyelashes covered in mascara on my four year old. She was the only female in the production that had short hair that could not be placed into a bun, so I was also told to buy some kind of hair extensions to create a bun. In shock, I then asked if I also needed to spray tan her and whiten her teeth, which did not seem to amuse them (mommy did not follow the makeup instructions either). I have also never had to say legally blind as many times and still have them not get it. For example after I explained my blindness plus lack of information, I was shown a piece of paper up at the front that is posted each day with the schedule to which I replied, I obviously cannot read this. I was also told I could not go into the rehearsal room or be at the side of the stage to have the opportunity to get some glimpse of my child. I was told that it was general admission and I could sit in the front row ore I could volunteer to help backstage with costumes and makeup. So I said you may not want a blind person applying makeup to children and being in the front row does not really help. But the most disturbing thing was the fact that no one seemed happy to be there. I heard the older girls talking about how tired they were and how many times they had to do things over and over again because it had to be perfect. Even worse was the yelling at the kids during the rehearsals. I was outside the room during the scene in which my child participated and both directors just snapped at these kids, and even though they were not doing this to her, she absorbed it. In the car after the rehearsal she began yelling at her grandmother and I and when we told her that was not appropriate she actually said “that is what Miss____ does to get people to listen. I love ballet and the arts in general, but it seems grueling for the younger kids. When the creative arts or any activity for children is not joyous and makes them happy, there is something lost. Every day I gave my child the choice to participate or not. In the end she was in only 2 of the 5 shows, which was right for her. Needless to say we will be attending a very low pressure dance school if that is what my child chooses.
This week I can’t get enough of my new bar code reader. I just received it and have been running around the house reading everything with a bar code. See the picture on Facebook. It gives you tons of information like size, date manufactured, ingredients, instructions, etc... It even has a lanyard so I can wear it on my neck. But the greatest thing ever is that they include bar code labels that you can place on items and recorded the information about that item, which has given me lots of ideas. I am going to make some specific bar codes for labeling to use in public and maybe private situations. If I pat someone on the back you can be assured I am affixing a label, so that later I can zap then and have it read something like, forty something year old male, probably listens to hair bands of the eighties, secretly likes romantic comedies and is hoping to get lucky. Others can just say things like is wearing great shoes that I want, Or the most useful one Talks too much about themselves and is boring, And imagine what I can do with the additional information like package size. Everything that bar code reader voice (this one is just like the one in War Games—very early 80's) says is funny. I am definitely taking it to the store and having it read the description and instructions on items like condoms, tampons and Depends in the middle of the aisles at Target.
This week I want to talk about what it is like not being able to see myself. Because I have no central vision I can see myself much less than I can see other objects or things. What I see when I try and look at myself is a very fuzzy, non defined image. I can put on makeup and do my hair, but I have no concept of what it looks like. The same applies to my body and clothes. I also can’t see how much I weigh so I don’t get on the scale. What I never expected was that I feel more beautiful than I ever have and there is freedom in not focusing on what you look like.
Some past history: I grew up obese in the 70’s when there were not many obese kids. I was ridiculed mercilessly; I actually, to be ironic, picked the Judy Blume book “Blubber” on which to do a book report. Bet you can guess what my nickname was after that. At 13 I went on a starvation diet and by the ninth grade was no longer fat. But for years into my 20’s and even 30’s I saw myself as the fat girl and did not think of myself as very attractive. Because of this I did not rely on my looks to get me anything, anywhere or anyone.
Maybe that is part of the reason that not being able to see myself is not a big deal. But there are other reasons for why I feel beautiful. First, I have to rely on others to tell me if my makeup is even, my hair looks OK, and if I have on matching earrings that match my outfit. I have also relied on other people to tell me what my eyes have looked like during the process of healing from the accident. What I have learned is that most people are honest, but some can’t be honest even when you are relying on them. I have gone places with clothes inside out or backward or covered in cat hair. But most people tell me that I look great, or the same as I always have and that I was attractive or beautiful. Knowing that others perception of me was that I was attractive helped me to be OK with my looks, The biggest change is that I am freed from spending time thinking about what my face looks like and what I weigh, I am blessed in that in my 40;s and 50;s I will not see myself age, The image I have of myself, if I choose to, will be frozen in time as my 42 year old self and moving forward I can choose to ask people about the details of my face and body or not. I also think that I feel my most beautiful because I realize how much good stuff I have on the inside. All the work I have done to be healthy, whole, authentic, and happy, and how I have impacted others is what makes me the person I am. I also feel lucky that I can also no longer see others in detail and only have a rough idea of what they look like. So, now I really get the chance to know people for who they are. Some once told me that the world would be a better place if we were all blind.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
This week I decided to write about the fact that I can no longer see myself and about concepts of beauty in general. But first…
My WTF of the week is the alternate dimension I entered when I took my 4 year old child to the rehearsals for the Nutcracker. My ex got her in the production in a very small role because she does not attend dance school, but her step sister was in the production. All I was told is that she would not have to rehearse much and she told me she really wanted to do it. The only information I was given was what time to show up for rehearsals. When we arrived for her first day I learned we would be there for 4 to 5 hours that day, 7 hours the next day and 4 to 5 hours for the full dress. The rehearsal schedule was crazy so I did not follow it. Even getting this information was not easy. When I tried to get information I was snapped at and they were confused as to why I was not on the mailing list. I gave my e-mail address to at least three people but during the rehearsals and production never received an e-mail. I also needed clarification about what makeup she needed to wear. I was told to put matte makeup, heavy blush, eyeliner, three shades of eye shadow, red lipstick and false eyelashes covered in mascara on my four year old. She was the only female in the production that had short hair that could not be placed into a bun, so I was also told to buy some kind of hair extensions to create a bun. In shock, I then asked if I also needed to spray tan her and whiten her teeth, which did not seem to amuse them (mommy did not follow the makeup instructions either). I have also never had to say legally blind as many times and still have them not get it. For example after I explained my blindness plus lack of information, I was shown a piece of paper up at the front that is posted each day with the schedule to which I replied, I obviously cannot read this. I was also told I could not go into the rehearsal room or be at the side of the stage to have the opportunity to get some glimpse of my child. I was told that it was general admission and I could sit in the front row ore I could volunteer to help backstage with costumes and makeup. So I said you may not want a blind person applying makeup to children and being in the front row does not really help. But the most disturbing thing was the fact that no one seemed happy to be there. I heard the older girls talking about how tired they were and how many times they had to do things over and over again because it had to be perfect. Even worse was the yelling at the kids during the rehearsals. I was outside the room during the scene in which my child participated and both directors just snapped at these kids, and even though they were not doing this to her, she absorbed it. In the car after the rehearsal she began yelling at her grandmother and I and when we told her that was not appropriate she actually said “that is what Miss____ does to get people to listen. I love ballet and the arts in general, but it seems grueling for the younger kids. When the creative arts or any activity for children is not joyous and makes them happy, there is something lost. Every day I gave my child the choice to participate or not. In the end she was in only 2 of the 5 shows, which was right for her. Needless to say we will be attending a very low pressure dance school if that is what my child chooses.
This week I can’t get enough of my new bar code reader. I just received it and have been running around the house reading everything with a bar code. See the picture on Facebook. It gives you tons of information like size, date manufactured, ingredients, instructions, etc... It even has a lanyard so I can wear it on my neck. But the greatest thing ever is that they include bar code labels that you can place on items and recorded the information about that item, which has given me lots of ideas. I am going to make some specific bar codes for labeling to use in public and maybe private situations. If I pat someone on the back you can be assured I am affixing a label, so that later I can zap then and have it read something like, forty something year old male, probably listens to hair bands of the eighties, secretly likes romantic comedies and is hoping to get lucky. Others can just say things like is wearing great shoes that I want, Or the most useful one Talks too much about themselves and is boring, And imagine what I can do with the additional information like package size. Everything that bar code reader voice (this one is just like the one in War Games—very early 80's) says is funny. I am definitely taking it to the store and having it read the description and instructions on items like condoms, tampons and Depends in the middle of the aisles at Target.
This week I want to talk about what it is like not being able to see myself. Because I have no central vision I can see myself much less than I can see other objects or things. What I see when I try and look at myself is a very fuzzy, non defined image. I can put on makeup and do my hair, but I have no concept of what it looks like. The same applies to my body and clothes. I also can’t see how much I weigh so I don’t get on the scale. What I never expected was that I feel more beautiful than I ever have and there is freedom in not focusing on what you look like.
Some past history: I grew up obese in the 70’s when there were not many obese kids. I was ridiculed mercilessly; I actually, to be ironic, picked the Judy Blume book “Blubber” on which to do a book report. Bet you can guess what my nickname was after that. At 13 I went on a starvation diet and by the ninth grade was no longer fat. But for years into my 20’s and even 30’s I saw myself as the fat girl and did not think of myself as very attractive. Because of this I did not rely on my looks to get me anything, anywhere or anyone.
Maybe that is part of the reason that not being able to see myself is not a big deal. But there are other reasons for why I feel beautiful. First, I have to rely on others to tell me if my makeup is even, my hair looks OK, and if I have on matching earrings that match my outfit. I have also relied on other people to tell me what my eyes have looked like during the process of healing from the accident. What I have learned is that most people are honest, but some can’t be honest even when you are relying on them. I have gone places with clothes inside out or backward or covered in cat hair. But most people tell me that I look great, or the same as I always have and that I was attractive or beautiful. Knowing that others perception of me was that I was attractive helped me to be OK with my looks, The biggest change is that I am freed from spending time thinking about what my face looks like and what I weigh, I am blessed in that in my 40;s and 50;s I will not see myself age, The image I have of myself, if I choose to, will be frozen in time as my 42 year old self and moving forward I can choose to ask people about the details of my face and body or not. I also think that I feel my most beautiful because I realize how much good stuff I have on the inside. All the work I have done to be healthy, whole, authentic, and happy, and how I have impacted others is what makes me the person I am. I also feel lucky that I can also no longer see others in detail and only have a rough idea of what they look like. So, now I really get the chance to know people for who they are. Some once told me that the world would be a better place if we were all blind.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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