The Adventures of the Blind/Low Vision/Visually Impaired (BLOVI) Girl-Volume 40: The Big Weight Gain
In the last three months almost 10 pounds has jumped on my body and about this I am dismayed. The interesting thing is that I am about the same weight now as I was before the accident, but now that weight is too much for me. When you have been able to slide on a size zero, why is it so hard to accept that you are almost a size four? That is the focus of this blog. But first……………
My WTF of the week is the fact that I was recently blamed for all that has happened to me, including the custody battle and ongoing unwillingness of my ex to co-parent in any way and his general unapologetic attitude toward me, on the fact that a week before my accident I had to call the police. I did this because said ex tried to back out of the driveway twice with me half in the car trying to calm down my child. This was the culmination of escalating anger toward me which also led him to chuck a set of keys at my face. All this is part of public record in my affidavit in my custody case, so I have no problem saying it again here. What I do have a problem with is yet another instance of blaming the victim and the tolerance some have for emotional and physical violence---shame on them.
This week I can’t get enough of this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. There is really nothing better on television. The great thing is that I get lots of good one-liners and new terms from the show. I am particularly fond of the Chat and Cut. This is when you are in a line and someone you do not really know comes up to talk to you and then inserts themselves into the line. Not only have I observed this, but I have done it myself. Now I have a name to call the technique. Another favorite is the term “social assassin”. In this episode people keep asking Larry to talk to their loved ones about things that bother them because he has no problem saying exactly what he feels. He tells a man’s wife to stop saying LOL and Susie to stop smacking and saying “aaaah” after she drinks. Everything turns out badly because the women suspect their husbands have put Larry up to this. So he botched the hits. I think I could maybe be a social assassin because I do tell it like it is.
This week I know I am going to annoy some people by talking about my weight gain. After my accident I dropped down to under 130 and at one point was 124 pounds. I was eating normally and not trying to lose weight and was eating what I wanted. I admit at 124 pounds and in a size 0, I looked too thin and many commented that looked emaciated or that my face was too drawn. Around that time I had a conversation with a friend who was also trying to put on some weight and we decided that it is almost verboten to discuss the issue that you are too small and trying to put on weight around other women. You get the glare. So I am probably going to get the “quit ur bitchin” reaction when I complain that I have gained about 10 pounds in the last three months. With no change to my diet and exercising 4 to 5 times a week, my body, who seems to have a mind of its own, decided I was just too darn small and starting holding weight. I was OK with this about 6 pounds ago, but I am no longer OK with it and my weight keeps ticking up.
So, now I am really watching what I eat and stepping up the cardio because my size 2’s will barely fit. But at the same time I am asking myself-what is so bad about being a size 4 again. There was a time in my life, when I was a size 10, that I thought I could never, ever be a size 4 and now it seems too big. Maybe the weight and size thing is all relative and it’s the fact I have gone up almost two sizes and gained weight that is the issue.
I do not want to be a size 2 because someone is pressuring me or I want to look like a Hollywood actress or I think men like smaller women. It is for none of those reasons. It is for practical reasons like I want to fit into the newer clothes I bought last fall and this spring and I just feel good about how my body looks about 6 to 8 pounds ago. The interesting thing is that I am not willing to put tons of effort into the weight loss other than making small changes like not eating after 8pm and eating smaller meals and the increased cardio. I am not going on any diet or giving up chocolate-to me that is just nuts. I need chocolate to function normally and maintain peace in my home.
I think what I have learned is that you have to feel comfortable with your body no matter what you weigh. And what different women feel comfortable with is going to vary. I think now that I have seen my body at a size 2 I realized that is the way I am most comfortable. If I would have never lost the weight I would probably be really happy to be a size 4 or 6. But that is not what happened. So wish me luck or curse my name as I attempt to drop about 6 or 7 pounds.
Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock
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