The BLOVI Girl’s Guide to Faking It- For those who can’t see shit-Volume 1: Faking it in Restaurants

For slightly over three years I have been visually impaired. And in that time I have learned to use tools, tips and tricks to blend in with the sighted world. Most people who don't know I can’t really see shit have no way of telling. I am a master at the art of deception, subterfuge and a little distraction. I decided to change my Blog format from writing about my own shenanigans to helping you people who also can't see so well. And that, from what I have seen is a lot of you. With the baby boomers and their progressively stronger reading glasses and bifocals to those with macular degeneration to the younger generation whose eyes are being stressed by looking at really small screens, we are a nation of people who don’t see so well. I have seen you in restaurants and stores and other places saying things like. “I can’t see that, I forgot my glasses” or “I did not see that curb” or “hell, I didn’t even see that.”


I have a 7.5 going on 20 year old who keeps me in check with how I look smell and act. But unless you want to borrow her (and you can for a while) and also have her tell you she won’t read things to you, you need some other tools to help you get by. So every week I will share my secrets with you. From navigating on dark streets or in dark venues, ordering in restaurants, grooming and styling to organizing your house. I may even share with you how not to accidentally date someone who is not really good looking. My hope is that my tips will be useful or at least humorous.


This week I focus on a common dilemma of not being able to read the menu in a restaurant. Many restaurants are dark, so that you cannot really see what you are eating, or maybe it is ambiance. And the menus are in small font or some fancy font or worse yet, cursive. Cursive is not a friend to those of us with crappy vision. And you probably, again, forgot your reading glasses. Or you are just too damn stubborn and in denial to realize you need more magnification. And you are using the glasses that stopped being able to assist you in reading tiny font in dark places about 6 months ago. So what do you do now?


First, if you know where you will be dining, or even if it is either one place or another, go online before you leave and look at the menu. Many if not most restaurants have their menus online. Then you can study it and pick out what you will eat in advance. And of course you know both Apple and Windows have built in ways to make your display bigger so you can see your computer. I will cover that in a later blog.


If you end up at a place where you did not see the menus and you have either forgotten your glasses or just can’t really see because there isn’t enough light, then you go into cunning ways to have people tell you what is on the menu. Or you can use a pin light. There are those that attach to glasses or those you can hold. I don't use these because one, they don’t fit m my purse, and two, they are really a giveaway I can’t see shit. If you don’t mind looking odd, or blind, then by all means break out that light.


In these situations the wait staff and your tablemates are your allies. One thing I do not do is have anyone read the menu to me, even if it is a close friend. They don’t want to do it and it takes up too much time. It also makes me feel like a preschooler. So, first if there are specials make sure to ask about them and have the wait person describe them to you. Then ask your wait person what are their favorite items on the menu and why, or what do people order the most. Then pretend to be reading the menu and ask others what they are getting. By this time you should have something from which to choose.


Also, let’s say you want something like crab dip, but don’t know if they have it. You can say “I really wish they had some crab dip.” Others who can actually see the menu (and really, you must have at least one normally sighted person at the table) will say, “I saw that-- it is an appetizer.” Then you look at the menu and say, “Oh, I was scanning through it so quickly I did not see that.”


If you are a woman out on a date you can totally get away with not being able to see the menu by telling your date what you like and asking them to make suggestions or order for you. This makes them feel like a man and then they are also more inclined to pay, as they should.


When ordering you can always ask about what are the side items and what types of dressings are available. No one actually pays attention to that ad the wait staff are commonly asked to repeat these. And when it comes to drinks order water or tea or a beer that everyone has. Like Beast Light. Or again, ask the wait staff or bartender what they like best on tap or in a red wine or what are the best porters and scouts, for example. You can also let another person at the table be in charge of the wine list and ordering the wine.


And you can always, always send things back that you do not like. For example, I am a huge fan of the iceberg lettuce wedge salad. But I often forget that many places put bacon on it, which I do not eat. If it comes out with bacon I say, “On no I forgot to ask you to hold the bacon, I am a vegetarian. After I look moderately disgusted, they take it away. I have sent other things back that have ingredients I just do not like, for example cilantro, and said, “Oh no. I am allergic to cilantro. And they take it right back. Or you can just say it was not what you expected or you don’t really like it and every time they should take it away and you can start over. By this time others are eating and most likely someone is eating something that looks good, or you had a second choice on the menu you now will try. You are the customer, so you are always right.


Another sticking point is not being able to see the bill when it comes. I will admit that if I am with a close friend I have them red me the total. I have handed it over to someone else and said, “Does that look right to you?” And most of the time they will say the total. Sometimes you can also do that with wait staff. Say, Is this the correct total?” and have them read it. The tip line is always under the total and then you just calculate the tip and total it by visualizing in your head. The signature line is most always an inch from the bottom of the strip and is longer than any other line on the receipt. And I have found you can sign anywhere near it and be OK.


Prices are a different issue. You can always ask the prices of the specials and that will give you a gage to the overall menus prices. Some menus have things in order from least to most expensive. Once you go to a restaurant you will get a sense of pricing. And once you know a restaurant and what you like you can go back there and order with confidence. When you can’t see shit sometimes it is good to stick with a range of restaurants and menus you know and like. But, hopefully, with thee tips I have shared you will be able to venture into foreign restaurant territory.


Keep Moving Forward,
Beth (BLOVI) Medlock